How do I help my mom understand me?

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2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Aspergers. I am 15 years old today. Of course me and my parents got information regarding Aspergers.

The problem is, my mom just can't understand me. She is literally the an opposite of me, she enjoys being social, she enjoys doing spontaneous things and she just doesn't understand my social phobia.

For example, my psychologist assigned me a task. The task was to go for a walk 30 minutes a day.
When I go for a walk, I like walking on the same road every day. She always wants to go to new places and walk and doesn't understand why on earth I would prefer walking on the same road every single day.
This causes a lot of conflicts between us...

She likes to invite guests home and whenever we have guests for dinner she always invites me to their conversations and if our guests have children in the same age as me she always says "Why don't you show (insert name of dinner guest teenager) your room?". She knows that I am socially awkward and that social situations gives me anxiety yet she keeps on doing this. You know why? Because "you can't be by yourself all the time, one day you'll learn that being social is way more fun". I enjoy being by myself... I enjoy playing video games by myself... I don't enjoy hearing a boy in my age bragging about girls in his school, his crazy bad-ass friends and how he had sex.

She also gets so angry and frustrated when I can't do small stuff like going to McDonalds because it's too many people.
She lacks self control and will drive the car like a maniac.

How do I get her to understand that social interaction is my biggest fear and that I actually get panic attacks from it?
Social interaction is the easiest thing in the world for her, it's like counting 1+1 for her.
However, roller coasters and heights are some of her biggest fears. Riding a roller coaster is probably one of the things I enjoy the most. And I don't understand how she gets tears and panic and simply can't ride a roller coaster for 7 year olds. I also don't understand how she just couldn't walk up the eiffel tower when we all knew there was nothing dangerous with it. However, I have recently learned to respect that. I learned to respect that stuff that I find easy like maths etc is what others find really hard. And stuff that others find easy like social interaction is what I find really hard.
I still have problems with this and understanding this, but my mom is worse than me at it.

How do I get her to understand? That some social interaction stuff for me is so hard that I just can't do it, no matter how much I want to do it and no matter how much I would get paid to do it, I just can't.
My psychologist taught me that it's the survival instinct. Since social interaction is my biggest fear, my brain tricks my body that it's a life or death situation and my body prepares to fight or to flee when I have these panic anxiety attacks.

It's like some people just can't take suicide, no matter how much they want it, their body just refuses to. So instead they do "suicide by cop" since they WANT to take suicide but their survival instincts just makes them incapable of pulling the trigger, so instead they call the cops and open fire against them so they will be forced to die.

My parents just doesn't seem to understand that though. That social interaction for me is like getting robbed and someone putting a gun to your head for others.

My mom's hardest subject was maths and my easiest is maths.
My mom's easiest thing is social interaction and my hardest is social interaction.

Maybe you can type her a letter saying exactly what you told us here. Sometimes, people just understand things better when it is written out in a letter.

Or, if that does not work, maybe you could ask your psychologist to invite your mother into a session with you and your psychologist can help you have this conversation with her. People often do this when they are having trouble getting people to really hear/ understand what they are saying. She may get how important this is to you this way, and the psychologist can help validate your side, and keep her from interrupting you or discounting your feelings.

It sounds like you really like your mom, and you write really well. Because socializing/ spontaneity is so important to your mom, she probably worries you won't be happy until you are more like her, (because she loves you).

Edited to add: You can also tell her about this forum, and we would be happy to help explain this to her too.

In my opinion, perfect response Fitzi.

I would only add - as someone who has a fear of heights (though a bit differently expressed than your mom's) - if I could wish anything for my son it would be that he doesn't have the paralysing fears - in any area of his life - that I do. It's a perfectly legitimate belief that exposure can help people get over their fears - it may not be the case for you. She doesn't want you to have these anxieties because they are harmful to you and painful. Maybe the path that she's taking isn't effective. I think it must also be sad for her that you don't seem to want to 'get over' your fears. Perhaps if you can offer some compromises as well as a plea for understanding, you'll be able to overcome this difficulty in your relationship.

Yup, last week I had my first meeting with my social phobia group. It was really hard to go there though, because it was the first time since 8 months I actually had to read infront of others and socialize.
My mom got happy and all, but the thing is, she doesn't understand that sometimes it's just too much for me and I just can't do it and get paralyzed. She wants me to return to school and start going to school in a class again and I tried a few months ago but I just couldn't, it was too hard. I need her to understand that I need to take small steps towards the right direction, I can't get overwhelmed because it will be too much for me and it also makes me more depressed than I already am.

Of course pushing the limits and doing what you're scared of doing is good but sometimes it's simply too much..

I don't know if the information your mom gave you included information of Theory of Mind or not, but it might be something that would benefit her to read. It is basically the ability to understand what someone else is thinking. It is one of those things that people on the spectrum struggle with. here is the thing, though, many neurotypicals have this problem with other people who think differently from them. People who are very, very extroverted tend not to understand people who find socialization to be difficult or unpleasant. To them it is only a step or so removed from basic needs like hunger and thirst, so they cannot imagine someone could be wired differently.

Most of us work with our kids on social skills so they can function in the world when we are not there to take care of them. In addition, for those of with kids who don't like it (some aspie's want to be social, but have trouble with it-- some hate it, and there are many in between) there tends to be a hope tha tthe kids may find some pleasure in it, since they will have to do some of it to function. Some also think, if they would only try it, they would like it. This is not always true, but again I think it is hard for people who see socialization as a fundamental human need to imagine some people are not wired this way.

I think your comparison to her aversion to roller coasters and math was very apt. You don't understand why she is afraid, and she does not understand why you like it. If you use this analogy with your mother maybe she will understand. Perhaps ask her if she would not be annoyed if someone constantly told her one day she will love roller coasters and math.

Try explaining that you know you have to try to acquire some social skills to function in school, and later in a job, but you may never enjoy recreational socialization as much as she may love it. People have different likes and dislikes and that is OK. She may still be dismissive. Sometimes parents have a hard time understanding that just b/c a kid has some of his/her DNA, it does not mean that a kid will turn out to like the same stuff. It does not mean, "You will change your mind when you are older" etc. etc.

One thing your mother needs to understand (if she doesn't already) is that regular social anxiety is not the same as the type of social anxiety that arises from ASD. For neurotypical folks, social anxiety is an unfounded fear. The negative social outcomes they worry about will not usually come to pass. Therefore, the treatment for that type of social anxiety is just to get out there and have more social interaction.
This approach does not work for people with ASD, because our social anxiety is not unfounded. Many, if not most, of our social interactions actually do end negatively. Blindly increasing the quantity of social interactions we have will reinforce our anxiety rather than alleviate it.
In other words, throwing you in a room with a kid with whom age and gender are the only things you have in common is counterproductive.

I think can you try listening to your mom? And tell her she is right and ask questions how she means things etc. She may be more able to listen to you then. I think she is right about social interaction but somehow isn't realizing that as already said, just telling you to do it isn't helpful. If you can agree with the part of what she says that makes sense to you, or trust her, maybe you won't chat with peers, but would you listen and participate a bit in her conversations? And could she help include you?

It is going to take effort by someone besides you in the real world to help solve this, and part of that is having someone to talk to who is good enough at talking and wants to help you become more comfortable. If she can't understand what you need maybe your therapist can help her listen. You're approaching adulthood.....I don't think it's too early to be practicing conversation with adults! And I do think try it.....but some help would be important.

It's funny - this discussion just came up in my parents' group. One of the other Moms has developed a fear of going to the grocery store, because the last time she went she had 2 toddlers and a child on the spectrum with her, and it went about as well as one would imagine. Like many of us in the group, she probably has some features of autism. (Many parents do, but some parents are NT and social. Keep in mind your Mom could be either even if she is successfully social: I learned to be social, it just isn't always my preference.)

Your Mom may be pushing you because social skills and flexibility are important life skills: using the word "fun" is her way of trying to take the stress out if it - she probably doesn't realize that is increasing your stress. I think what you need to communicate is that you can't do it all at once. I think the previous posters are on target, your description above would be a great place to start. What I would do after sharing that is outline what you CAN do. Pick a skill and pick a short-term small goal and work on it. Ask her if you can keep the focus on one goal at a time.

Do you have an IEP in school? IEPs are structured in this way: short, achievable goals with periodic benchmarks. It may help you to review the IEP post stickied above even if school is not an issue for you.

For instance, you could explain that being flexible about your walks are a goal - and maybe once a week on a specific day, you will go in a direction she suggests for a specific duration (one block, ten minutes, etc.) Then you will gradually increase the duration on that day until you are comfortable going the way she wants to go...but you still get to do it your way all the other days of the week.

Or, if she prefers you work on a social skill, you can try engaging in conversation at the dinner table, but ask to keep to yourself otherwise. In a typical IEP goal that would read something like "Has X number of back-and-forth conversation in X amount of time." Sometimes it can be "Answers a question and then responds with a related question X numbers of times" (e.g. someone asks "How is school?" and you say "It's fine. How is your family doing?")

Maybe if you present it in a way that everybody knows what is expected, she will ease up on you and you will feel less anxious.

I'd also ask her to join this community; we'd be happy to help from that side as well - plus, there is tons of information stickied at the top that she may find very helpful.

Your mother sounds exactly like I used to be - back in the day, before my son's diagnosis, I was quite the social butterfly (I had my challenges with social cues and such, but I was social)

But boy do I hate high energy / adrenalin intense activities - your roller coasters, for example. My son is the exact opposite - he seems to abhor people in general and crowds in particular, while being an adrenaline junkie who loves roller coasters. Not exactly a match made in heaven but learning to overcome my fear of heights and roller coasters has been key in connecting with him. When we are riding glass elevators to the 39th floor, he and I connect (I don't think I get as much validation of my presence as when we are inside those damn things and when I am almost numb with fear), and that is gold to me.

Granted that my son is only 6, LFA and non verbal.

What I am saying is that you and your mother can seek first to understand and then be understood. Tell her everything you are telling us here. She is probably only worried about you leading the lonely isolated life of a hermit without the ability to participate in society after her time and trying to get you more involved in social situations without realizing how it upsets / affects you. Sometimes, even parents need to learn how things they do offend their children, regardless of how well-intentioned they are.

If you sit down and talk, maybe you will each see the other's perspective and meet halfway ? At least she will learn how she is frustrating / stressing you and you will learn that she means really well and is just trying to help you.

It sounds like she is trying to "cure" your ASD. I believe she is fully aware of the symptoms and ramifications of Asperger's and is trying to get you "cured" by breaking your cycle.

I still remember myself going into hiding in my teenage years, whenever we had guests at our home. I had eye contact issues until into my 30s. Today, I am mostly "normal." When I meet with other people on the spectrum, my reaction is usually: "My goodness, so that is how I was before."

Socialize from your own areas of strength. I couldn't socialize with my parents' friends and their families, simply because our areas of interest just don't overlap. In my PhD years I finally found out that I could socialize, with people with similar interests. I even organized a Thanksgiving dinner, or took my friends to running events.

Looking back at it all, I wouldn't do things differently, with one single exception. Do me a favor and get yourself a voice recorder. Whenever you get into anxiety issues, make a note for yourself. You shouldn't deal with anxiety or embarrassing feelings in your negative moments: it only makes things worse. Instead, you deal with all those issues when you are happy, doing something else. You need to find happy activities for yourself. When and only when you are happy, replay those notes you have taken during your negative moments. And then think, do some findings. And the next time you feel negative again, think on the positive moments when you replayed those notes, and recall the findings you have told yourself. You will realize that, many things are not big deals, after all. Autism is simply lack of connections between different areas of our brain. Once you have enabled your thoughts to flow to other perspectives, anxiety issues can disappear.

I always say that having two children on the spectrum was the best thing that happened to me. My parents could finally see that there is another way of raising children. By looking at how happy their grandchildren are, they have come to understand that, yes, people on the spectrum belong to a different species. Hope your mom one day also come to realize that. It feels great to be understood, after more than 50 years of my life.