Trying too Hard in Relationships

Post Reply New Topic

Do many people in, or who have been in relationships, find that being in a relationship is exhausting. Whether you are living with each other or regularly spend time together, do you ever feel like the process is a bit like a job? I watched a video about female aspies in relationships and i thought this probably applied to me, but i think it could equally apply to guys too. If i came home from work or something, and was involved with an NT, unless there were special circumstance, i think i might feel like i was still at work, as i might be trying to appear attentive, and engaged with them.
Relationships with other aspies may ease the situation as there could be a common ground and understanding. I think i can only really do relationships if i see the person infrequently, or i would feel exhausted. Anyone had any similar experiences?

No, it doesn't feel like a job, but then wife is not NT. If it feels like a job it probably isn't worth it.

If someone ever tells you that relationships are 'hard work' that should be a huge red flag. My Fiancee is as introverted as you can get yet we still visit each other every single day and it never feels like a chore! My ex, on the other hand made me feel like I needed a long nap after every visit. Looking back, I could kick myself for being so stupid: the warning sign was right there. If it feels like a job it is the wrong person plain and simple.

All relationships are hard work at least part of the time. It's when they're hard work all the time that there might be a problem.

I think the spoon analogy applies well. If you're in a relationship with someone with a lot more spoons than you, there could be problems when they always want to do things together that cause you to spend down your spoons. It becomes an exhausting chore. When my wife and I were first together, she felt like a weekend was wasted if we didn't go out and do something social both days. I'd get to each Friday, exhausted from a week of work, and then find myself more exhausted Sunday night. I was also resentful that my own special projects (writing, hiking, scuba diving) had to be dropped to make time for what I saw as an exhausting time-suck. Sometimes you can be alone and find yourself spending spoons because your SO wants to talk and talk and talk about things that you can't really think of new things to say.

We worked things out and came to an understanding, but I know exactly what you mean.

All relationships are full of compromises, but that is not "work". This is especially so in the beginning when you haven't agreed on how to spend time, alone time and maybe not even how often you meet. This shouldn't be exhausting. If it is exhausting, one or both of you are not compromising in a rational way, or you are not compatible enough to find reasonable compromises.

What is a compromise and what is work? What if you compromise to do more work? I think we can get hung up on semantics here.

In general I try not to set hard boundaries between "this you can work on" and "Dump the MF already." (Insert necessary caveats about abusive situations here). The decision to end a relationship is personal, and I'm not going to tell someone "this much compromise/work is acceptable" and "this much isn't." That's up to them.

Also. Some of us get lucky and we manage to fall into a pairing that requires relatively little compromise on things like housework, sex, social activities, etc.

Unfortunately, it's really hard to see when you've been lucky, so it becomes far to easy to make glib comments about ending otherwise workable relationships over things that are either transient, or fixable.

When people constantly want to talk about the relationship, rather than having fun within the relationship, then that's trying too hard.

You shouldn't have more work when in a relationship than when single. If you have, then the compromises are no good. So a good comparison is that you compare how much work you need to put down in a relationship with when you were single. If the difference is negative, then you do too much. Of course, when you get children the work of both parents will increase, so you cannot compare that to when being single.



Of course, but if your work load increases in a relationship (without children), then something IS seriously wrong. Same thing applies that if you spend time with SO, and feel drained afterwards, then something IS seriously wrong. You cannot stay in a relationship that requires more energy than it produces.

If you plan to have children, you also must plan to an energy reserve for that, so if just the relationship by itself drains you, it won't work to get children too.

Any good things you picked up about how to work out a compromise in a situation where your SO is perhaps more sociable/chatty?

I think searching for a partner is just as exhausting and can almost be like a 2nd job, especially going the online route.

The first step is communication. Let him know the things that exhaust you. Make it clear that it's your neurology at work and not his company so he doesn't take it personally. If he needs more social stimulation, then maybe some creative problem solving is in order.

Just as an example, maybe a rotating game night where he and some friends get together. Depending on the number of friends it would only be at your place occasionally, and you can have the understanding that this is HIS time, so you won't be directly involved. You could still have a ancillary involvement, though, even if that's helping him wind down afterward, or prepping something he could take with him. That way you're still a part of it but can contribute in a way that better suits your energies. This is just an example that would work for me. I'm sure you two could come up with something more personally appropriate.

Relationships don't mean you have to be on call to fulfill his every need. That kind of thinking starts to make it feel like a cage. If there is one aspect that is too much for you, then maybe you can find an arrangement where he gets that one thing elsewhere. If anything, showing that flexibility demonstrates your commitment and only strengthens the relationship.

Good Luck.

Interesting point. I'm going to think about that one.

I'm a female Aspie and I think that relationships CAN seem like a chore, because if you are with an NT person or someone else who does not know that you are an Aspie, you are expected to be the ever sociable female and when you withdraw from others they can see you as a debbie downer and want to get away from you.

I am now very careful about who I might enter a relationship with and if they are too different from me personality wise, I will stay away from them even if they are a great person because I know myself very well and what I will be able to cope with on a daily basis.

Moral of the story, I agree with everyone else. If a relationship feels like a chore, it's time to move on.

I am happy to come home to my NT GF after work.

Work takes it's toll on me as it is very demanding not only work wise but dealing with people, being touched (shoulder / back, for most nothing, for me its a struggle not to scream or get upset or run away)

Home... is safe. My GF never denies me space when I need it. Once I am home, we are a team. She greatly improves the quality of my life.

Thats great, you sound very well matched

That really depends on age really, I'll be 22 next month and obviously I am not rushing anywhere, at this age most people don't want to live together, they seek each others' company but not the oh let's be married and live together under the same umbrella.

Plus we both have regular daily occupations.... I couldn't agree more with: "if you're not having fun with her/him well that's bad", oh and every couple has fights, but too many isn't good. A relationship shouldn't be a burden. If it is, well, ... that's sad.