People "complimenting" me

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I seem to be getting this a lot.
I don't tell every person I meet immediately about autism, usually only mentioning it if it comes up in conversation and would be useful in explanation for a certain situation - especially as I've observed people treat you differently if they know this about you. I also do try to fit in and don't make a point of deliberately being different, try to keep my behaviour under control of relative social norms, etc.
So when I do mention autism because it's relevant to the conversation, I get comments like 1) "you don't seem autistic, I would never have guessed!" 2) "but you have good variation in your voice, you don't monotone at all," 3) "yeah I've known other people diagnosed autistic, I'm not sure it's legit either," etc etc etc, you get the idea.
I'm not sure but I assume this is meant to be complimentary (which seems to indicate confirming autistic traits would be an insult) but it's annoying. It seems to me like people don't believe me because I do not display their stereotype of obvious autistic behaviours therefore I can't be autistic. That because I don't display their particular cliche, the parts of autism that affect me nonetheless aren't relevant to my explanation as to why certain things are more difficult for me, or explaining why I may be deviating from the expected norm in a situation. To borrow a catch-phrase, it's "invalidating."
Anyone else apparently "stealth" autistic?

Yes, I'm a stealth autistic, but then again, I've had four decades or so of practice. And even then people tend to eventually give me that "is there something wrong with you?" look at SOME point during a given conversation. But yeah, I have told just a couple of people I'm close with (I don't let a lot of people close, I hate that "whoops, there's something wrong with you" look, it really hurts me and I tend to try to prevent it from happening by not forming close ties except of course with my family), and they've told me they'd "never have guessed."

Doctors are a different story, they tend to "guess"...this has happened more than once.

I always wonder though whether it really is a compliment. Perhaps I'm negative but it always seems that when a person tells me "you don't SEEM autistic" they then support that with "positive NT-like characteristic X" as though it is indeed WONDERFUL to "act" NT and a deficit to "act" ASD. So...is that really a compliment?

Also the pessimistic side of me wonders whether they're just saying that to make me feel "better" even though they don't believe what they're saying, something along the lines of "but you CAN'T be 48, you look SO MUCH younger!" KWIM? Which still boils down to, "What I'm saying you seem like is so much better than what you actually are, so I'm 'complimenting' you on your accomplishment."

To me it's somewhat similar to if I were to tell someone I am Polish descent and the person were to reply in shocked, surprised and complimentary joy, "Really? You don't ACT like a Polack! I'd never have guessed...congratulations!"

But to be less emotional and more fair about it, perhaps when we tell people we're autistic, they just don't know what the right thing is to say. And they're right because there isn't actually a right thing to say. People feel they are being asked to respond in some way so off the cuff, they're trying to come up with something positive rather than negative. It probably puts people in a sort of a position when we tell them we're OTS. I mean there's really no protocol so what are they supposed to do.

Hope this does not come out wrong, but people with autism that is mild enough that no one knows they have autism until they inform people they have it....are going to hear comments like "you don't seem autistic"....and maybe they should be a little grateful for that. I sure won't ever get told that in real life.

Hi Ezra,
I have really missed you buddy.
I just thought I'd look around today for a minute since I actually have a minute. I have not been around lately but every now and then I stop in.

I have people say this to me all the time. I do see your point Ezra and I definitely feel what you are saying. I guess what's hard about it for me when people say that to me is that it is usually loaded with a lot of expectations that are attached to it that those people expect me to be able to meet. If I don't "look" disabled or whatever they assume Autistic should look like, then they expect me to be able to do everything like they do and in the timing that they can do it in. It's very hard for people to understand how debilitated I can sometimes be and how dysfunctional I can often get because to them I just don't look the part.

To give you and example, just a couple of months ago I went through a pretty severe Autistic burnout. As I got help with it we realized that before I was diagnosed, especially when I was in my pre-teens, teens and younger adulthood, I was basically just surviving in a state of perpetual/constant burnout. This was because I looked so NT. I kept trying to keep up with the expectations that people were putting on me not understanding why I could not keep up and it was killing me. And the expectations would just get piled on and people would just complain to me and treat me unfairly because to them there was no reason for me not to be able to meet those expectations because I looked so normal. It got so bad I ended up having to drop out of school.

But recently I suffered another severe burnout that lasted a couple of months and it got so bad that I could not manage to eat. I actually had to have help to literally eat every day. I also got so bad that I remember having to go to the bathroom and getting on the toilet and not knowing what to do next. I honestly could not figure out how to go to the bathroom. I could not do regular basic things and it was very debilitating.

I regularly lose my ability to speak well and do certain things that many people take for granted and sometimes just have to hang in there until I can get through. And these small debilitating events might happen as often as every few days.

So when NT's "compliment" me on saying how non Autistic I am, they have absolutely no idea of what life is like when they are not around. They might only meet me for a moment when I am having a "good day" which will still be tormented by sensory overload and all kinds of other stuff. But for the few minutes that they see me when they are meeting me or for the hour or two that I might be spending with them, I am doing really well. So they have no idea about how the other 22 hours in my day might be going. They also have no idea how the conversation or encounter with them or social interaction that I was a part of when they "complimented" me on how "normal" I am affected me and how long it might take me to recover from it. So they just assume that how they see me when they see me is how I usually function. So they put expectations on me and then get upset when I can't meet them. Then they argue with me about why I should be able to meet their expectations and tell me that I need to justify to them and explain to them why I can't and maybe if I just do this or that or try whatever they suggest I will be able to do what they think I should be able to do.

But someone who is obviously disabled might get a little more compassion if that person says that he can't meet their expectations.

But when people tell me I can't possibly be Autistic, I feel like it invalidates who I am and pretty much my whole existence because to me, Autism affects every part of my life and so I consider it a huge part of my identity as a person.

But I do understand what you are saying Ezra and I do appreciate how you feel about this very much and as much as I feel how I feel, I can also support your understanding wholeheartedly as well.

Well I what I was really trying to do is the 'try the look at the bright side' thing. I see though that big difference between me and you is I have never really had to deal with the mainstream world and lead a pretty sheltered life and will most likely continue to do so. It's very confining of course, but I see it's also a lot safer.

I hope I did not offend you Ezra. I really appreciate you looking on the bright side. I always found you to be so encouraging and I love you for that I always have. I did not understand that that was your intent so forgive me if I may have offended you. I did not mean to. I was just explaining the different perspective. I guess it was just like helping to explain that things may not always be as they seem.

Like I know some of your struggles since you have shared them with us in the past but when I think of you I never think of them. I always just think of your maturity and insightful and intelligent posts and comments that I love to read. So my intent in posting what I posted was just to help show that sometimes that "compliment" might actually be given to someone who might not be as "deserving" of it as the giver of the compliment might think. That's all. But even with the struggles I have, I love being who I am and would not wish to be any other way. I believe we all have struggles, whether Autistic, NT, or whatever, so if I were to become NT I would just trade my struggles for new and different ones. So I just have to live with who I am and enjoy the good parts and get through the tough parts.

But I hope you did not think that I was trying to say anything to offend you or anything like that because that was not my intent at all. So if I did offend you at all, please forgive me.

I try to see it as an opportunity to help people understand the reality of ASD - not just for my own benefit, but for other Aspies they might meet in the future.

I tell them I'm good at pre-rehearsed "hi-how-are-you-I'm-fine-thank-you" sort of exchanges, and I can communicate for necessary business purposes, to get things accomplished, but I fail at personal conversations, have no friends, want no friends, I'm just very solitary and reclusive in my personal life. And then I explain the part of autism that affects me most severely is the sensory overload, that I wear earplugs 24/7, and busy places with people and cars moving around make me feel dizzy, basically like motion sickness.

I find that helps people to understand the reality of autism, not just the stereotype.

Yeah it's pretty amazing. Sometimes I take the time, as you do to try to educate people and help them understand. It's pretty amazing how little people in my area know about Autism, especially HFA. I have met so many people that teach Autistic kids or who have a relative or friend that teaches or works with Autistic kids and and they still know so little about Autism. It's pretty astounding. Even a lot of coaches and volunteers at Special Olympics in my area, I am an athlete, know so little about Autism. Sometimes I end up talking to people for a very long time as if talking about a special interest when I start teaching them about what it's like for me and for some of the people here that I have gotten to know. It usually blows their minds at how it can be so different than the basic stereotypical things they have heard. It's actually pretty scary to me that so many people who teach Autistic kids know so little about them and how they function.

Oh no you did not offend me at all. You gave me a very good perspective from your end of things. I see the situation a lot more clearly now

That has always been my goal too. For me when someone says to me on the forum I have 18,000 posts in, "you don't seem autistic" that is actually what I am trying to get across, that the person people see is a lot more like them than appears. But of course no one expects me to take things any further than that in a discussion forum.

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SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST BUT THIS MESSED UP SYSTEM WOULD NOT LET ME EDIT AND COMBINE POSTS

Oh. great! I am really glad. Sometimes even with written communication as with verbal it can get a little confusing.

In many circumstances, people I meet think that ASDs are fake and nothing more than a government conspiracy. Also, IMO, whenever someone "compliments" me, I feel that such compliments are insults in disguise.

i don't usually reveal that i have autism, but if someone usually finds out, usually the reaction is something like:

"wow, you're autistic yet you're standing here talking to me! what an achievement!"
"i never would have guessed that you were autistic!"
"oh..."

often, their reaction is patronising which, i feel, invalidates my achievements as i believe that autism does not make me any less capable than others, and, in many areas, it provides an advantage.

LOL!! I know! It's so ridiculous. And they say, "You must be so proud of yourself." In my mind I am thinking, "Yeah, I can walk and talk and fart too. You wanna smell it?" Good grief.

People complement you because they don't know what else to say.

Really, most people are too busy worrying about their problems to have a clue as to what Autism is all about.

I wouldn't read too much into what they say--even though it is an Aspie trait to over-analyze. More than likely, if you asked them what they said a week later, they wouldn't remember.

I think you are probably right. Good point. And of course I will probably analyze that to death as well!