ASD - Married and in relationship: advice

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Hi everyone,

Just wondering are there any aspies who are married and in relationship? I am currently working on the communication for myself where I can learn about the other person. As I never been in a relationship before, I am curious of what, how and why the relationship started.

I am focusing on someone in AS-NT and also have hearing loss too. I have both AS and hearing loss, I think this is more challenging because its the NT and/or non deaf person doesn't understand how to communicate with.

I have been working on creating awareness strategies to my friends about how they can communicate with me. I been looking at aggressive, assertive and passive communication types. Thus working on more assertive lately. When being assertive I see many people are passive.

Looking forward to hear from your experiences.

Mathew.

I believe to some women, hearing loss or having AS doesn't matter. You need to be where those kinds of women are likely to be (online and offline) in the first place. I think in your situation relying on only your friends and acquaintances hardly would give you what you want. Widen your horizon!

Too much thinking...not enough "doing," perhaps.

How bad is your hearing loss? Is it in both ears?

Improving your written and spoken English would be the place to start - if you speak the way you write, you are incredibly difficult to understand because your sentences make little sense in English. You write like English is your second language... and it is. I'm assuming auslan doesn't translate directly to English.

Also, awareness strategies? Really? Simply to communicate with people you consider to be your friends ?!?

Umm, my suggestion would be to find friends who "get" you just as you are. Friendship really, really shouldn't be THAT hard.

You want a non-patronizing pragmatic advice? Not like the one offered by MissBear who had never been deaf in her life? (it is a known fact that deaf persons have a hard time to master the spoken languages because they never had a feedback system, even the native one, so telling them to better it is patronizing).
http://deafblindness.blogspot.com/2010/ ... -well.html

Join deaf communities, seek there, a deaf girl will not give a damn about your AS, you wouldn't even have to tell her about this non-scientifically proven and controversial 'syndrome'.

In fact, AS should be your least concern when it comes to dating, deafness would affect negatively your dating life way more, most people don't want to marry someone with a disability , they might not tell you this because it's a harsh truth.

While a deaf girl would relate to your hearing loss struggles more than anyone.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 03 Nov 2015, 9:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

And I think you are adding an unnecessary layer of struggle by focusing on the AS-NT thing in your dating quest.

This is a video of me, speaking about my hearing awareness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp0Za5g0fcU

I have showed this to my friends and that. They kept saying that my speech has improved a lot over time.

Socially more recently, I haven't really come across to someone kept asking for repeat when I speak to them. I actually do remember the days like last year and years before that I am used to clarify my speech more often.

No more replies? Did anyone see the video of myself?

Why can't women ever understand me? I speak English, the international language.

I feel so terrible having both AS and hearing loss. It seems making women very confused as the language or cues is being coexisting.

So no one have advice and stuff who are married or in relationships on here? I thought there is some light at the end of the tunnel?

I am in a relationship with someone who has ASD and I also have ASD, it's been 4 years together.
Our hearing is both fine, but both have AS.
He has trouble with his eyesight and might go blind when he is an old old man but I will still love him.

Find someone who loves you just the way you are, they have to love you and stick around for your flaws and the hard times too, not just the positives and good times.
I don't know how bad your hearing loss is or if you sign, but if you sign it might be easier to be in a relationship with someone who does as well so you can communicate better.

Communication is very important in relationships regardless of hearing, and many couples who have perfect hearing don't communicate effectively and it falls apart and marriages end in divorce.

So communication actually communicating with each other about things is more important that your hearing abilities. And also finding someone who loves you for you is important.

I hope that helps a bit, I don't know what else to say.

Corrected (2nd sentence): My spoken language and/or ability to read social cues makes it difficult for women to understand me.



Corrected: Does no one who is married or in a relationship have any advice for me? I was hoping there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

*****

I'm in a relationship + watched your video. You're trying, bless. Really, really trying.

Your speech is somewhat tricky, but not impossible, to understand from a diction point of view (on par with someone who has quite a thick accent)... but the sentence construction makes you very, very difficult to understand. It's garbled grammatically.

English is an international language but you speak it like the second language that it is for you. If you want to be better understood, I'd suggest improving your English (grammar, sentence construction, etc.) because that's what is holding you back, not your diction.

I have done passed all of my English tests and that. My hearing loss affects on my grammar and language very easily. Over time, my grammar loses track. It like I have to learn English over again, like kindergarten over again. This pushes my career away if I focus on my grammar a lot.

I passed my uni essays and that. Got Distinction and High Distinction in most of them. They didn't have any trouble reading my grammar and punctuation. I did public speaking events and presentations. I had no trouble either.

I don't know what you trying to say on this.

Eh, some people have THINGS about syntax/grammar. My grandmother does. I used to. Then I spent a bunch of time around people who speak and write heavily accented. I got over it.

Boo is right. If you're worried about people having a problem with your various disabilities, date within the disability community. There are a HUGE number of us. Autistic, deaf, ADHD, blind, depressed, various anxiety disorders, medical disabilities...

At this point in time, ALL my friends have some kind of disability. My hubby is ADHD. All of my female friends have at least OCD. One of my male friends is probably schizoid, another one I would bet my soul has pretty severe AS, another one has some kind of degenerative neuromuscular disorder not otherwise specified (and his wife has MDD and probably PTSD too).

I didn't set out to make it that way. It's just that common. And besides, those are the people that have life experiences and a point of view that I can relate to. I don't have much to talk about with someone who has never had to REALLY struggle with something.

Before you go looking for someone to fall in love with, though, develop a friendly relationship with yourself. You're stuck with the disabilities. You can do a lot to overcome (or make peace with) them, but they're still your companions for life. Make friends with YOU before you go looking for someone else. I realize how cliché that sounds, but it really does cut down on the complications enormously.

I married my high school sweetheart soon after i graduated and we have been married for over 15 yrs. It has had ups and downs but very well worth it.

When we got married, we did not realize i had ASD. When our youngest child was diagnosed with it i began learning more about it and about a yr or so ago realized that most of the problems i have had with panic/anxiety and communication are likely due to my own ASD which had never been diagnosed. Hubby would not say he is on the spectrum, but he would describe himself as anti-social and would not deny the possibility that he too could have ASD. But not something we realized all those years ago.

Both of us have been in the "marriage counseling, marriage communication, male-female differences-in-communication type studies," over the years. We finally decided that this stuff is all the same and we had to just listen to each other, be nice to each other, and become each other's best friend. And that is what we did and it has worked beautifully. The biggest thing is to "be nice!" We are both amazed at how our current culture treats marriage and relationships as something that you are supposed to do 50-50 and keep score. It doesn't work well--if you do that you build up unrealistic expectations and throw the thing away when the other person doesn't meet your expectations. No sense of security there. We each try to do our best and give 100% and remind each other that we are each here to stay. Sometimes one person will be drained and exhausted and can't give much. Sometimes it will be the other person. Sometimes we will both be at our 100% and can give our time and energy freely to each other. But above all, be kind to each other.

And understand your own disability. sounds like you already have a good understanding of this. We would have been much better off if we had understood aspergers years ago. So many things we would not have fought over because we would have known it was the aspergers and not a character or laziness issue.

Best wishes to you!

Corrected: I've passed all my English tests. My hearing loss impacts my English grammar and it's easy for me to lose track of it. It's like I'm in kindergarten and I have to learn the same English language skills over and over. It may negatively impact my career prospects.



Corrected (last sentence only): I don't know what you're trying to say about that.

My response: you're hard to understand, mostly due to your syntax. Language fluency Tess sometimes aren't worth the paper they're printed on.

All the foreign TAs had to pass the TOEFL to be admitted to my public US college - you don't want to know how many of my TAs had zip in the way of spoken English.

I'm certified as having advanced reading, writing and speaking skills in Spanish at work (by the same folks that certify foreign service officers)... and can't write worth a damn. Cannot spell for the life of me, but can memorize enough to do well on the written tests.

If it is any encouragement, i think when the right person comes along, the speech difficulties may work themselves out. For example: I have had guests from another country in my home for several days. All were English teachers in their home country, so they were fairly fluent in English but quite accented. Most had never been to the U.S. so though they were fluent in English, their English was different from what i was used to speaking. At first I had difficulty understanding them and had to listen very closely. They seemed to understand me a bit better than i understood them, but they also asked me to repeat things at times. We hosted them for a weekend and by the end of the weekend we had become used to each other's speech and had much less difficulty.

If you are looking for a long-term relationship, it may be difficult at first if you struggle with speech/grammar/etc. But as you get used to each other, you come to understand each other as you become accustomed to each other's speech and other cues. Since you can write to some degree of understandability (i had to read your post a few times, but i think i got the gist of it) obviously you are able to communicate even if it is not as fluently in English as some of us. Maybe it will come down to patience at first that will pay off in the long run. But when you find someone and the interest is mutual, i think you both will find that you have the desire to put the effort into understanding each other. Even those of us without specific speech handicaps have times when it takes effort to learn to communicate with our loved ones in a way that both parties understand.

Think about people without speech? There few TED talks on communication. Not everyone have communication and they still get relationships/romance/marriage.

I have dyslexia, its influences from the hearing loss. Impairs on fully functional writing and speech clarity. Likewise, you don't expect a person's hearing loss will be cued? Thus the case of impaired language writing and speech will stays a same way.

The only difference in observation, just like what you said about the English teachers. You learn to adapt over time of understanding the person. I am afraid that is the only way to get along with people. You can't go wait and expect they improve. That is effortless.

At times I always have to ask people to repeat of what they say. There is a video I posted above mentioning the challenges of a person with hearing loss. That is me in the video and I speak about it.