Contact with parents

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Hi!

I have been a member of wrong planet for many years under the nick name "Tinki", but now I couldn' t remember the password and I must have used a different email address at that time, so I couldn't get a new password. Therefore the new account.

My question to you is do you have contact with your parents? If you don't, for how long have you lived with out contact, and are you happy, or do you feel emotional pain?
The lack of contact, is it your choice, or is it your parents? If it is your choice, do you feel guilt, or have you managed to overcome that?

I guess I ask because I hope to see that there is possible to live with out the parents, AND live a good life.

I did a post that was similar to this topic and to be honest not really. I live over 16,00 kilometers/1,000 miles away along with me not seeing them for many years. While they whine that I never call them and that I "Victimize" myself, they never seem to have time to talk to me when I have called. They can only spare a few minutes because everything else is more important. They say things like "That's nice but I am going to go now. I have to go shopping," or something along those lines. They are also really uppity. For example, if I tell them what I have achieved I often get a dry response like "That's cool" or "That's nice." They also have no problem comparing me to their second child of the family and how they have achieved this or that.

Would you say I am happy? Yes! If I am going to be treated like that.

Yes I can sort of relate to what your saying. Several years back when I had contact with my mother, she used to call me, or I called her. But I felt like she only called to get her own needs satisfied, which was to know that I was ok. But she didn't have any real interest in me as a person. So she also, as you described it, would end the call when I was in the middle of telling her something. Not a good feeling at all.

They are also very patronizing when I have talked to them because they think that I still have very limited interests. My mom also has talked to me with this high and phony voice like she's talking to a kindergartner.

My parents don't really know me at all.

There are many reasons for why I have no contact with my parents. It's very complicated. But the weird part is that now I'm actually starting to look forward to the future. I'm also looking forward to Christmas even though I have decided not to celebrate Christmas since I'm alone. But I'm still looking forward to the "Christmas" Food I'll make. This seems illogical to me, I find it strange that I don't miss my parents.

I can understand and not is they treat you so poorly.

I can really relate to what you two are describing - my mother used to break me off in the middle of things. It might be that we take a long time to get to the point because we often have a lot to say and because we are slow in discovering our own feelings about things. People who want to be close to us need to be patient and sincere.

I had some horrible fights with my mother about this, with the support of my husband. After that, things got a lot better, and she is now more honest with me about what she is feeling, as well as being more respectful. I finally feel that we have a great relationship, but it didn't come cheap.

I do far better emotionally (ie stability & self-confidence) without contact. But I miss them & feel guilty if I ignore them & they can be needy (controlling?). So I've learned to have contact with them on my terms, not theirs. And I've learned to recognize when they are starting to make me emotionally collapse. Still takes a while to recover.

I think you should keep contact with your parents unless they are really horrible parents who abused you growing up and still abuse you in most of your contact with them. If they are just annoying or frustrating or some lesser negative like this, it is really worth working on decent relationship with parents in my opinion. It may seem more relaxing to cut off contact with them, but I wouldn't do it unless situation or bad relationship is eggstreme.

I can so relate to this. My mother is also very needy, but I do not think the controlling is consious, I think it's all unconsious and therefor impossible to talk about or change. I also would have kept some form of contact if I had some emotional protection, but I'm totally skinless around my mother.
So far it seems my only problem is guilt, but as a therapist once told me: " You are not responsible for your parents happiness"

Sometimes the abuse is less obvious from the outside, but it is just as devastating. For example in relationship with highly narcissistic parents the children can actually end up being the parents. Because the narcissistic person has so strong needs themselves for love, nurture and confirmation that they end up "taking" this (unconsious) from there children, instead of giving it to them.

I'm so glad I came across this thread.

To the person treated like they had no interests, does this sound familiar? Parents bombarding you with information about their own interests as though interests are contagious or something. For many years I faked interest in their interests because it seemed rude to tune them out. In hindsight I had many interests, in writing mainly that my parents didn't appreciate until I was much older. I feel the only reason they appreciated anything about me in my 20s and 30s was to keep me from cutting them off, which I did one year ago. To the original poster, if you are having misgivings about reconecting, listen to your feelings! I'm getting the feeling from this discussion there are a few men and women out there who were taught there was something wrong with them therefore wrong with their misgivings. Who is -truly- and -terribly- wrong?

To the original poster, the role of a parent is to nurture your independence. It's not right that you are in a position to choose between having a good life for yourself and keeping your parents in your life. The role of a parent is to support your good life EVEN if it means creating distance from them. People do it without asking by getting married or having a kid, people do it by asking for it directly. Either way, a parent should support their child's transition into adulthood whether their child wants them involved or not. I'm sorry your parents don't support you, as mine didn't.
It's been 6 months since I cut them off and I feel a lot of emotional pain. I feel trapped between anger and guilt. I try to remember the precious desires and feelings for and about myself, my friendships, and my occupations I've discovered since then.

My parents didn't show much interest in my interests. I don't think my mother have any interests on her own that she is really pasionate about. To me she seems to be too dependent on other people, so she is very sosial has a lot of friends, and she is VERY clingy on her boyfriend. It's like she can't exist just on her own. Status is very important to my father, so he has worked a lot in his life, earned a lot of money and bought expensive things. I don't think it has made him happy though. On his spear time he drink's to much. Both my parents abuse alcohol. My father has remarried, and I really don't think he suffers to badly from the lack of contact.
So what I mean is that my parents haven't bombarded me with there interests. BUT I definitely think that sounds like narcisistic behavior from your parents. And yes I think you/we should trust our gutfeelings about this.

I have a good daily contact with my mom. I do think she doubts I can handle life on my own but being as what has happened in the past I suppose it just comes with the mothering territory.

My Dad on the other hand, we really have no contact. He was abusive growing up, and then thankfully left. When I was in my early twenties, I tried to communicate with him and see if we could fix the issues we had and work on it all. But it all seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. He has always treated me differently than my sister.

As time went on, He eventually kicked me out of his life, and his side of the family's life. I wasn't allowed to contact any of them. I always felt like he liked to play games with me, or mess with my head. Example being, last year I received a text stating "Your grandmother passed away, not like you care". That was rather hurtful as I had tried to find out what nursing home she was in, tried to connect with family despite being told not to. I went to that funeral and it was the first time in 8 years that I saw my Dad, or anyone on that side of the family.

After that, he randomly called me on Christmas, but I missed it. I felt guilty for a while for not calling him back but eventually got over that feeling. I then received another call from him, I didn't recognize the number so I answered. He was calling to let me know my Aunt had bone cancer & the drs gave her 6 months to live. I was trying to find out more from him but he was unwilling to give it. That phone call lasted less than 4 minutes. She passed away in September. He never called to tell me, I found out by doing a google search. I haven't heard from him since. That last one angers me the most. I lost time out with family that I love because of him and his games. It's where I decided I was done with him completely.

Yes, I totally agree with you. My mother seems to be trying really hard though. In the last textmessage she sent me, she said that she finally has understood that I am serious about this, and she promised me that she would not contact me again. She also wished me the very best for the future. So I replied "Thank you. Likewise." Time will tell if she keeps her promise.

I'm sorry that you are struggeling with it at the moment. But 6 months isn't a long time in this regard I think. I think you will have to give it much longer time before things might start to feel better. I have used years to reducing the contact. (I didn't have the nerve to cutting it 100 percent right away, and I didn't trust my feelings) The fact that you like writing can be a really good thing. I think a creative interest (I like drawing and painting) can make solitude possible in a good way. It certainly has for me.