My girlfriend told me I am greedy and selfish, am I?

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My girlfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years now. We almost got engaged but some things have happened lately, which made me cautious and she is acting different. Lately she has been inviting me to a lot of friends and family functions. Lots of birthdays mostly. However, I feel that I do not want to pay for dinner anymore, cause it has been too much money spent, and I would like a break. However, she got mad when I told her this and she now says that she and her family will feel rejected if I do not come to her brother's birthday dinner and pay for her as well.

It's just eating out can get quite expensive, especially with some of the restaurants people are choosing. Do I have the right not to come in order to save money, if I have been doing it too much, or is it my responsibility to come to her friend's and family's dinner invitations and pay for both of us, to be a good boyfriend? She says if I don't go to this one, that her family will possibly get a bad impression of me.

Well I suggested that for our anniversary, I cook her dinner myself. That way we will not have to eat out. She said that she thinks for an anniversary we should go out, for such an occasion. I named some places to go to dance after we have dinner. She said she didn't want to go dancing and wanted to go out to an actual place for dinner, and not just dance later on only.

She says it's okay for me not to want to eat out and spend as money. She is fine for me saving up money she says. But she says once in a while such as this one, you should spend some money to showy you love your gf, such as this type of occasion. She says she is supportive of me wanting to save money, but an anniversary is the wrong time to do it.

She says that my surprise of making her dinner is not romantic. She says that since we would be doing it at her place, since she lives alone, she would have to do most of the work cause she knows where everything is and what not. She also said it's not romantic, cause I am doing it to save money, and not out of romance. She said it's not romantic when your girlfriend is only worth 15 dollars in groceries, compared to her friends, who's boyfriends have no problems taking them out cause they consider them worth it.


Me and my girlfriend went to the movies. I felt like perhaps I have been paying for her too much lately, and feel I need to not spend as much money, and perhaps she could contribute some, with all due respect of course .

So I asked her if we could go dutch this time. She said sure no problem, and bought her own ticket. Later when the movie ended, she said she hated it and was a complete of waist of her money, which she could have used for better things, as she put it.

My best friend, about an hour later, texted us, saying he was going to a late showing of a movie, and wanted to know if we could come. I said I just came from a movie and wasn't felling like another one, but she wanted to go anyway, and asked if she could go with him, if he picked her up. I said I guess so, sure.

She told him though, that she could not afford it, now that she thinks about it, and he offered to pay, so she was fine with going then. I wonder if she was implying that I was cheap, just maybe, or perhaps I am reading it wrong, and it's no big deal. It just seemed strange.

What do you think?

i don't think either of you is being selfish. you just have different expectations. what remains to be seen is if your relationship is worth it to both of you to find a compromise.

Let's make the assumption that if you marry this girl she will always need demands like this met, would you still marry her/stay with her?

Your girlfriend looks at the money you spend on her, so that she can feel good comparing herself to her girlfriends, not for the sake of romance or love... right or wrong?

After 2,5 years, it's normal to split bills and tickets. If she wants to go out for dinner, she should also be okay with splitting the bill. You're a couple, you do things together. Should you pay for everything for the rest of your lives? This isn't 1950!

Does your girlfriend have a job? If so, she should be able to set some money aside for dates. If not, you two simply can't afford to go go for dinners and films. Just tell her that you would be happy to go on (paid) dates, but you are a pair, so she should also take some of the responsibility. She can't rely on other people's money forever. Don't tell her, but I think it seems very selfish and immature to expect other people to finance your fun. No money is no money.

I have been together with my bf for a little over two years now, and we also had the 'But I want to go out together sometimes' issue. He is a chef, so we go to restaurants quite often, but we don't swim in money either. A good alternative is a hike (in autumn) or a picknick (in summer). It doesn't cost too much, and it can be even more romantic than a restaurant or the cinema. The key is being spontaneous: don't wait for your gf to ask for a date, she will be much happier if you take the initiative.

I don't think you're the greedy one here. A healthy relationship means give and take in equal measures.

This is a question that is very dependent on gender roles in your culture. I'm not sure how Canadians view it in general, but I'd say that you really need advice from someone who lives in Canada or US on this.

I personally agree with ChemicalVial, but then again the Dutch are sorta famous for being cheap here in Europe No offense meant CV, this is just stuff I heard from people dealing with international business, on the topic of cultural differences.

In my experience, North Americans are more likely to measure respect in money, it's just the way of life. That said, I think you guys need to find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe not sacrifice the anniversary, but something else?

It would be silly to destroy a good relationship over something so superficial. Hope you guys find a long term solution. Maybe point out to her that having a boyfriend who is able to save for a rainy day is not a bad thing to have? Ask her how she is preparing for the future herself?

This is one of the talks you have to have for the relationship to develop into something deeper. Fingers crossed!

Right...

If your the one that asked her out, you should be the one paying the bill...for the first few dates, but after you are together awhile, she should be chipping in equally.

It sounds like she can't afford to keep up with her friends and familiy's lifestyle, but she expects you to be able to. To me, she is the selfish one. I will venture to say that this probably won't change anytime soon, and the longer you are with her, the more broke you're gonna be. Is she worth it?

It sounds to me that her family gatherings involve going out to restaurants so nobody is burdened with having to cook meals for everyone-but you have to be well off enough to be able to pay for it.

Gender roles don't mean S*** unless the culture you live in will kill or imprison you for failing to comply with them. You have a right to the comfort and livelihood you are capable of providing for yourself and ZERO obligation to provide it to someone you are not married to.

This isn't Victorian England and you have nothing to prove to your girlfriends family.

It might be worth asking her if she measures your love entirely by it's value in dollars.

I'm sorry if this sounds angry but I am getting REALLY sick and tired of the way that some women will resort to these tactics to ensure that a long-term relationship (read: MARRIAGE) will guarantee them an acceptable standard of living. If you're not a noble... you're not a noble. They can't place the demands of nobility upon ordinary men. It is neither civil nor just.

What I've been able to glean from this is that you are in a situation in which you are expected to pay for everything all the time? If this is true I think it is a serious problem. If someone really loves and cares for you they want to spend time with you and are unconcerned with how much money you spend. It sounds like her and her family are being cheap by making you pay for everything while they enjoy a free ride. I like to be the nice guy too much as well sometimes and people take advantage after a while. At some point if you are not happy with this you'll have to put your foot down and be firm about it.

As for an anniversary, it should not require money if you don't have it. Money does not = romance. Of course I personally find the whole concept of comparing money and things to others ridiculous but that is me.

Bottom line is you have to decide if you are Ok with this or not. It sounds like you are being taken advantage of and if true I don't think you are greedy or selfish at all. Especially considering how much you have put out over 2.5 years. You'll have to decide if you want to spend your life with someone like that or not. That decision can only be made by you.

Okay thanks for giving me your opinion. She also borrows a lot of money from two of her exes, when she is in need of money, which can be quite a bit of sometimes. She is not very wealthy or well off, because she pays her dads medical bills, and tries to keep his business alive, by staying at the business.

It's not the best paying job, though, and I feel if she can work out some kind of arrangement to get a better paying job, and work out something where she won't have to keep paying her dad's medical bills, to keep him alive, she can have more money instead of living from paycheck to paycheck barely.

But she borrows money from her two exes. One of the exes, she had a business with, before, but after she left him, he ended up getting the business and the house because it was arranged that way, so she didn't have any money after leaving the relationship. Not that I judge her for that at all, I don't. I love her the way she is. I am just explaining the situation.

I offered some money to help her pay her dentist bills and her asthma medication bills, but she says she does not feel comfortable taking money from me. She says that I will end up having a problem with it later, and that I am not the kind of bf she can come to for support, which is why she has to borrow from her two exes when they check up on her monetary needs, and offer. I believe in helping a gf out, but there comes a point where I told her that I am her bf and not her bank.

We almost got married before, but I had second thoughts, because of some of these money situations, and took it slow the past few months. What do you think? Other times I did not help her out with money was with groceries recently. At the grocery store, she had to put leave some items and not buy them cause the bill came out a little high for her. I didn't feel like helping out because this was a few days after one of our disagreements with money and I felt I had to put my foot down on this one.

She said that the cashier was shocked that a bf wouldn't even help out and that she was embarrassed by it. I don't know if that's true, unless she can read the cashier better than me, but I wasn't paying as much attention probably. Am I not being supportive if she is in need?

To be honest, she sounds like bad news. She sounds like an irresponsible, manipulative, greedy, entitled brat.

Was this an accident or did she purposely go over budget assuming you were going to cover the cost? The correct response to this scenario should be self-reflection on her part. She should be ashamed and embarrassed she can't keep to a budget and should be trying minimize her grocery bill. A sane person, given your history, would understand why you did what you did and wouldn't guilt trip you... But she doesn't do any of that! She THINKS the cashier is shocked at you (when in reality, the cashier probably couldn't care less. They never do) and was embarrassed by THAT.

And I'm willing to bet she bought name brand stuff without giving a single care to the price and perhaps things that aren't traditionally cheap.

Ok, very good point. Everybody needs to find out how they personally want to live. I come from a place that has probably the most equal gender roles on the planet, but I sort of acknowledge that most of the world doesn't live the way we do. Gender roles mystify me anyways, and this sort of thing where women live off their men and expect a certain standard is not something that is common here. On the other hand women aren't shunted out of well-paid jobs either.

As for the OP and his gf I am sorry to say that she seems to have a horrible relationship with money, and that he comes off as cheap. It seems opposites do attract.

The borrowing from her exes is just plain bizarre. I agree that she oughtn't borrow off the OP, because it will damage their relationship, but how the heck do her exes know when she is skint anyway? This rings some alarm bells. I get that she's in a difficult position with her dad, his health and his business, kudos to her for caring about other people, but she might just have to get a better-paying job.

Another thing that rings alarm bells is that she is perpetually skint, her dad is skint, and yet they insist on going out to fancy dinners? The rule is, if you can't afford to pay for yourself, you can't go, even if someone else is paying. The only people I'd accept being treated like that by are my parents, and possibly my kids once I become a poor pensioner.

Also, the OP humiliating his girlfriend in the grocery store by not covering the difference.....man. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere. If you have to resort to these tactics to get your point across, you guys are clearly not communicating well. If she's short of money on purpose, I'd drop her like a hot potato, not embarrass myself in the grocery store. If she is just confused, that is something you have to live with. Can you?

Agree that she ought to be embarrassed. However, I'm fairly certain the cashier was shocked. Most people would be, if it was just a small sum. People don't know the history behind it all, so they judge what they see.

Why not tell her that you are saving for a long term investment plan or a house? I never understand why people have the urge to spend money as soon as it is available to them. She wants you to pay the way without understanding the value of capital production.

Her and her family have been living beyond appropriate financial means. That is why that are both out of pocket, appearances mean more to them than substance. You will end up in the same boat if you are not careful

Yes, she sounds very entitled and the fact that she is comparing you to other men and holding you to that standard seems completely selfish.

If she is borrowing money from ex boyfriends and guilting you with it she is either a liar, a ruthless manipulator or both. I'm starting to lean toward both based on everything you're telling us.

Get rid of her, she is a worthless parasite.