Need some help. Family members just don't understand :(

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Hey guys and girls. I was just wondering if anyone could offer any help to a problem I'm having.

My brother is getting married in 3 weeks. He's getting married some 100 odd miles away, I have told him I can not attend. There's multiple reasons. Financially I'm living in real poverty. I can barely afford to eat properly let alone save anything to attend. I can not travel those distances, I can not ride in cars for long distances, and the train is far too long and expensive.

He's annoyed at this. His response is "jump into someones car". Then again, he doesn't understand Aspergers at all and how bad it affects me. He thinks it's all a joke and the problems are all in my head.

Anyway, my mom arranged a little get together for him to play snooker at the local snooker hall. She told me to "make sure I save some money". I never have money to save, how does she expect me to do that? i have 5 pounds, nobody knows, I don't feel comfortable attending anyway, but I have to.

Nobody understands the mess I am in. I have tried to explain it to them, but it sort of just blows over their heads. And then they comment saying "you've lost weight"! Of course I have! I can't afford to eat luxury foods that contain all the nutrients and goods my body needs.

I don't want to let this all stress me out, but it is. I feel if I keep stressing I am going to make myself ill.

If I tell him I can't go, he will think I'm being funny and will be funny with me. He already got funny when I said I can't attend his wedding. But if I go, I won't be able to pay for anything and I'll feel like a right fool.

Sometimes people who have no concept of what you are going through will not be able to understand no matter what you say to them. It's a tough fact but unfortunately it's true. I have had similar situations with my family. And for some reason family seems to be the worst with that. If I were you, I would just tell your brother that you love him, and how much you love him and would really like to be able to be there to celebrate his day and if you actually could you would but you just can't and that's final. Make the that's final part really strong. The more you try to help them understand the more they will come up with ways to try to have you come. Sometimes you just have to be firm and say, "I love you but I just cannot." They will respond however they choose to respond and sometimes the response is very very painful but you can't change who they are. You can only do what is best for you. Hopefully in time they will get over it. It really sucks and I really feel for you. But you have to do what is best and safest for you even if they get upset.

I think you have to attend your brother's wedding. It's not just that your family expect you to attend. You need to attend to maintain your connection to your family, which is a constant going through your life. Problem then becomes how to get there 100 miles away. How much is the rail fare anyway? Surely it wouldn't be more than a few pounds? Borrow the money from your parents if you have to. Then work out with your family if they can put you up near the reception if they are not returning home after the wedding. Otherwise you face a long journey home on the train late at night.

I have two thoughts on this and I don't know if either one will be useful but I'll share anyway just in case.

First thought - make a deal with your parents that you will do all of these things if somehow you have the expenses covered by someone else, but as things stand you simply cannot afford any of it. If they want you to go and want to pay for you to go, you will - that could be the deal. Then it's not on you anymore.

Second thought - this one is an idea for the future - I have several siblings, two of whom live within a few hours of here but neither of whom usually makes it back here for things on the level of weddings/funerals. One of them always says very early after hearing a date for an upcoming event "I'm just telling you now that I will not be able to attend" and then doesn't elaborate or offer any further justification or information. Another one of them always says that he can't come because he doesn't have money and he really doesn't "do" events like this because big crowds are hard for him and he will feel odd about needing time to just be alone, etc etc (all of which I am the same way with and totally understand), and because he gives reasons he can't come, people feel compelled to either argue with the reasons or find work-arounds.

The brother who just says "I won't be able to attend" and sticks to it doesn't get badgered because he offers nothing to work with. Just a thought.

Train fair is something like 130 return. We're talking Somerset to Scotland (UK). My brother lives about 5 miles from me, we remain in contact except his work gets in the way. I can not borrow money from nobody. Last week I didn't eat for 3 days. I told my parents I have no money to eat and all they said was "you need a job". Nobody has any money to borrow me, and my mom is sick of borrowing me money.

Non of my family live in Scotland, we have no connection to the area and I'm still not sure why he decided to get married there. My other brother is getting married in Italy, but thankfully he's totally cool with me not being able to attend because I don't do planes ... and he knows this.

Just be honest and tell your brother you really cannot afford to go at this time, but if he really wants you to show up then he'll have to pay your way.

I wasn't able to go to my brother's wedding because I just started a new job and worked that weekend and knew no one well enough to trade shifts with. I did send a very expensive gift though. It was a little awkward for several years honestly, but is never even mentioned now. It would be strange if I were to get married, but I would prob smooth it over by having my sister-in-law in the wedding.

I would just be honest with your brother. It's very upsetting that you went three days without eating last week. If he's giving you a hard time when you haven't eaten three days last week, I think he's out of line. Have you told him you haven't eaten in three days last week and your problems are that bad? Hopefully that would make him more sympathetic to you.

Is there anyone in your family that can be on your side and maybe talk to the rest of the family for you? See if there's anyone in your family who is more supportive and listens to you more who could maybe talk to the other for you to try and smooth things over.

My family understands that I don't do holiday get-togethers, birthdays, weddings, etc., for all the reasons you listed. You have the right to say no, and be the 'weird' relative who doesn't do those things. My life has been so much saner and happier since I stopped trying to do that stuff.

Hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you don't have the greatest of families. I would totally understand if you didn't attend even if you could afford to go.

During the long term, maybe concentrate on getting a support system, either artificial (ie, people who are paid to care about/for you), natural (people who care about you because they like you), or both. During the short term, maybe lean on us.

If you can't attend for personal reasons - ie it's a matter of your health and sanity, then don't attend & don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

If you can attend & simply have no money, don't worry about that - they don't want money from you; they want you to be present for their big day. So, if you can manage to be there, hitch a ride with a friend/family member etc and don't worry about the lack of finances.

If I were you, I would be FAR more concerned with getting proper/enough food to eat, shelter, clothing, etc. It sounds as if you are in a very dire predicament. When you are starving, what else matters? Are there any food pantries or social aid programs where you live?

I understand.
And my best friend would have understood too ... I lost her to heart disease ... meanwhile, I think she was an Aspie.
And guess what?
Both of us had families similar to what you describe.

The reason why I made it to my father's funeral
was because one of my cousins let me sleep at their house on the couch.

Ask the relatives who want you to go to your brother's wedding
if they will provide transportation and a place for you to sleep.
If they are not willing to help you,
then it's their problem and their loss.
And if they try to make you feel funny about it,
they're the ones who ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Your post subject title says "Need some help."
So I am praying for you
that God will bless you
and help you get enough to eat
and help you be treated with love and respect.

...

the phoenix

...