Not a parent...but..please

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I assume a lot of parents will be here. I just want to warn you. I know you will all be doing the best you can for your child, and try your hardest to meet your needs...just please don't get it wrong like my mum did.

My mum was young
She had postnatal depression.

My earliest memory of her was her pushing me into the doctors surgery and saying "She is broken, if you won't give me something to fix her, then you can have her." And walking out without me. I didn't know what I was allowed to say.

I understand she was having a breakdown at the time, but the message was clear, and it stuck. I am broken. I am not normal and never can be.

she has spent my life comparing me. "Stop acting like a child, act your age," most recent, "I had a baby when I was your age"

She has never actually helped me. Instead she operated by hitting me, and hurting me emotionally, making me absolutely terrified. I am sad to say it did work, to an extent. I learn what I could say, and what I couldn't. The problem is, to this day I am so terrified of offending someone, of bothering someone that I cannot even ask for help.

She was the reason I strangled myself when I was 6, cut my wrists when I was 10 and broke my own hand when I was 15. I wasn't self harming. I was punishing myself because I'd been taught that being myself was bad. To this day, I scratch my skin until I bleed, and I bite myself. I am not good enough. I will never be good enough.

My mum never gave me physical affection. She thought I didn't want it because I flinched when she used to try...But I do want it, and I'm sure many of your autistic children want it too. Don't just try and hug them, and don't expect it. Just be there for them, open your arms and ask them.

Now I am 18, my jobs in the house...well official jobs include washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen and keeping my room clean...

I struggle with those jobs.

I get no privacy. She searches through all my drawers and then tells me that she can because I live under her roof. She makes it so I cannot feel safe anywhere, because she is always there. She cannot trust me because I act like a child.

without any help...I have never been given any help, my entire life. I have 2 friends...not much for an 18 year old but still...I trust one of them...I sort of trust the other. I got myself a job without any help. I am in my third year of college, and I went begging them for extra help because I wasn't coping. I endured years of bullying. I almost got groomed by an online paedophile and I am trusted to babysit and care for other people's children...

have I really turned out that bad? Am I really that much of a screw up?

With your children...don't make them face it all alone...they may close themselves off. but they...we just don't understand. We don't understand that we can trust our parents. so unless they prove that they can be trusted...we don't. We don't try and come out of our worlds...and yes we can teach ourselves a lot. but I see the world as very black and white. I am only allowed to say certain phrases at certain times. I am not allowed to expect anything. I am not allowed say anything that could be viewed as offensive, upsetting or critical. I am not allowed to become a bother to anything. I am not allowed to ask people to take time out of their day for me because I'm not worth it.

This is all I know...and I'm sorry this is really rambling...and may get deleted..but I kind of feel like I am a good example of what not to do. because at 18...I just don't understand what is expected of me...I do want to...I want to be normal, I just don't know how.

The bad news : You will need a lot of counseling and psychotherapy to get over this. But you will recover and become stronger for the experience.

The good news : You are 18. Get out of her home, get a job, and start life afresh. You can do it.

The better news : Not all parents are like your mother's. It's just an unfortunate "luck of the draw" that you got one that just did not know how to parent, and may have had mental health issues.

Your post won't get deleted.

It's an instructive post, in my opinion.

Have you thought about college/university?

You do have to get out of the toxic environment you are in. She's treating you like Cinderella.

Your mom sounds abusive than doing the best she could.

Well, the jobs list doesn't sound horrible.

The rest of it, though, is horrific.

That's not "doing her best with a bad situation." That's ABUSE. If that was her best, then her best sucked.

She SHOULD have left you somewhere where people would take care of you. Not because you're broken. Because her attitude is. I'm not big on tearing family units apart, but when the parent(s) can't/won't parent and it's not going to get better, then someone else needs to do the raising.

Given that garbage to work with, you've done remarkably well for yourself thus far.

GET OUT. And GET HELP.

I have similar struggles with being terrified of saying the wrong thing (and I had supportive family). It is hard work, and long work, but you CAN learn to like yourself in spite of (my therapist says because of) not being normal.

Thank you for caring enough about the young ones to remind the rest of us what NOT to do. Sometimes that's just as important as knowing what TO do (maybe more important).

I agree with the other posters. It is not your fault, you just have had awful parenting.

You said you were in your 3rd year of college? Is your mom paying for any of it? (If I missed you saying, I apologize. I have a cold and my focus is not too great.) If not--see if you can can use financial aid to get out. Maybe your college has a financial aid office or other counseling service that could help.

If she is paying a significant amount, I guess you may have to put up with her until you graduate. So that is like another year and a half. In the meantime make plans unless you can figure out a way to get all your tuition paid. I know they take into account family income even if you get no help, so I don't know how easy it would be to get out from under her before you graduate.

If you are 18 and managing in college, then you are doing something right.

I know it is hard to see when you are 18, but you are still really young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You can choose to have a different life. It may not be easy, but in your post I see a strength that you probably don't recognize you have. You have survived a lot and you are still trying. Your post could be one filled with bitterness and hatred, but it's not. That says a lot about your inner strength. Use that inner strength to help you find people who will appreciate you and learn to appreciate yourself.

Find a way to get yourself into therapy. You will need help undoing the damage your mother did, but it is absolutely possible with help.

Best of luck to you.

you are in college and have a job. remind yourself of these accomplishments often. add others to the list if you can allow yourself to think of them. counselling will help. you are valuable and your two friends would likely tell you that. please keep us posted as to how you are doing, the important thing now is to protect yourself from your mom. i'm not sure of the best strategy for that. once you're independent, it will be important to forgive her, because resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. the best revenge is living well. all evidence points to you having what it takes to live well. take care of yourself is the first and most important rule of life. i learned how to do this in 12-step groups. maybe you could arrange with your mom to pay some minimal rent and be treated as a renter rather than a daughter. renters are entitled to privacy. as are adults. you are an adult.

Your post sounds like you are very resilient. And I can certainly relate to being terrified every thing I did, every word I uttered, was wrong. And would be punished.

Do you use services for students with disabilities? That might be a starting point to look for support. And, colleges usually have a counseling service available. I would suggest speaking to someone there. Beyond that, I am not sure. You wrote you are 18 and in your third year of college, so not the US, if you say your country someone may have more specific advice and resources where you live that could help you.

I was on a plane trip recently. The lady next to me was reading a book that had this sentence on one page:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Richard Feynman (a Nobel Prize physicist) has a book titled "What do you care what other people think?" (No need to read the book, you only need to read the title.)

As to be normal, that is a strange concept. When I was younger, yes, I was constantly lectured that I needed to be normal. But as I grew older, I realized, heck, it was not me who was wrong, it's the other people that were wrong, all along. Trust me, there are plenty of places in the world where abnormal is considered normal. Graduate schools and Ph.D. programs are great examples. Happiness depends only on yourself. Look at me, people say all kinds of nasty things about me in this forum, yet I am the one that is always happy, and my children are always happy. Ha ha. When you have confidence in yourself, what other people say won't affect you, at all. And you can still always be friend of everybody, even with people that have said nasty things about you.

All that being said, do me a favor. Get a digital voice recorder. Get one that is simple enough (not too many buttons). Whenever your feel sad, or mad, record your feelings, thoughts. Don't playback right away. Wait until you have completely passed your sad/mad moments. Playback only when you are happy, doing something else. You need to connect your happy moments to your sad/mad moments. Think about your sad/mad moments only when you are truly happy. And try to think on new perspectives. And then, next time when you are sad/mad, try to remember what you have told yourself when you were happy. This is a good way for you to learn to see and deal with your anxiety issues. It's a bit like eating hot chili pepper. Sure, anxiety/depression might be awful at first, but with enough training, it becomes bland and you will able to handle it much better. What's needed is to connect your happy world into your sad/mad world. That's all. No biggie.

You won't live at home forever. And I tend to believe that since our fish ancestor's days in the ocean, most parents actually do care and love their offspring. They might not be fully skillful, but deep down they do care, it's part of their DNA. When you think that robots are coming, and we are the last of human beings, then we probably should treasure whatever little time we have in this universe together. Look at the positive side. All pain is temporary. What's important is for you to acquire skills and make you confident about yourself. So that when people throw eggs at you (like they do all the time to me, ha ha), you can still come out tall and proud. And not only that, stay friendly, with everybody.

Your mother was abusive. I'm not saying this to judge her, because most abusive parents really are trying their best, but hitting your child and verbally abusing them is not acceptable. And it is not your fault. Her actions were caused by her own problems, not yours.

Have you talked to student counselling at your university?

As someone who grew up (and still lives) in a living environment, I feel really bad for you and your situation; as someone else already said, it is not your fault. You need to seek counseling at your college/university, and try to stand up for yourself in order to get out of this toxic environment.

Forget all the things and try to get a job, and start life afresh. Try to read some inspirational blogs for the self improvement and personality development like Communicate Forever App etc.

Your mother is a jerk. She is not worth having a relationship with. Move out as soon as you can and stop talking to her. Tell her that she is broken and if she can't be fixed you don't want her. I had to do this with my abusive father, who has said and done almost all of the things you mentioned in your OP to me at some point.

I can empathize with your bullying story and having few friends.

Oh my, I am so very sorry you were treated this way...please understand that abuse is NOT about you, but about HER. It says absolutely NOTHING about who you are, it says a lot about who SHE IS.

I can relate to many things, although not all. I can only say that just as everyone else has stated, you MUST get out as soon as you can. Keep your distance and find some people who see you for the awesome human being you are, I promise you there are many out there...I know, I was there about 20 years ago.

A big hug to you!