Not having anything to say?

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Often when I talk to a friend of mine he gets angry and even quite offensive to me because he wants me to initiate conversation more. I never have much to say and run out of things to say very quickly. For the rest of the conversation I just listen to him and respond to what he says and don't say anything of my own. I feel as though my brain has shut it's self off. He demands that I say something of my own so I probe my mind and think very hard. I am so desperate to say something...ANYTHING... that I end up saying things like "My fingernails are too long..." or "I bought some soap and it smells like mangoes". He obviously hates this type of conversation (who wouldn't?) but he pretty much brought it upon himself by forcing me to talk when I am out of conversation material. Is this typical of Asperger's? Does anyone else have this problem? What do people normally do when they have nothing to say?

I am seriously worried that I am going to lose him as a friend and unfortunately he is my only friend. He and I have been friends for 3 and a half years.

Yeah i have the same problem, when i converse with people i tend to just ask heaps of questions that build upon each other based on how the other person responds. When someone else asks me a question i have trouble putting together a very sophisticated response, it is usually a few words followed by another question from me.

I go especially blank in group situations. Im not really sure how you can overcome it, I ask heaps of quesions because it makes it seem as if i am keeping with the conversation but i often become unstuck with that tactic.

My one friend tolerates the fact that I take the passive role in nearly every conversation (except occasionally when the topic is something technical), and doesn't interpret the fact that I virtually never initiate conversations as a sign of disinterest. I'm far more grateful for this than he realizes.

Argh I wrote a long reply and there was an error...

Anyway, I have this problem too. I usually find that I have plenty of thoughts that are fascinating to me but would not be the least bit interesting to an NT (usually about my special interests or random observations about objects around me) so I just keep my mouth shut. It's not that I have nothing to say, it's just if I said what I wanted, they'd wish I had stayed quiet

It doesn't sound right for your friend to be so angry and rude to you about it, though After all, some NTs are naturally quieter than others, too. Not everyone is a chatterbox.

One thing that helps me is to try and remember what my friends find interesting, and ask them about it. It especially helps if you can remember something they've been planning on doing and asking them how that went (if it's passed) or if they're looking forward to it (if it hasn't happened yet). If they're dating someone, ask how that person is (make sure you know they're still together though!), or ask how their job is going.

NTs usually love to talk about themselves, and asking questions makes you seem very interested in the other person, which is what they usually want. Just make sure you ask questions that are open-ended and not "yes or no" questions so they will continue talking. Usually they'll then go off on a tangent, and eventually there will be something else for you to ask about or comment on.


As a side note, my friends have an unfortunate tendency to interpret my silence as meaning I'm very interested in what they're talking about, and will just seem to keep talking forever. At that time I get a taste of how my NT friends probably feel when I start talking about my special interests. But then, this is a reflection of THEIR poor social skills...

Last edited by chairbreak on 13 Apr 2007, 1:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

My sister blows up at me on a regular basis for this.

She gets REALLY REALLY pissed off when I don't talk for long periods of time. She's never accepted that i'm different, and never will.

Also she has a terrible short fuse and temper.

Seconded. If you can keep asking questions, it's possible to keep a conversation stumbling on until it comes to a point where you do have something in common, when hopefully it'll be easier to think of things to say.

I'm playing Devil's Advocate here, please don't be offended, but if it's really hard to talk to this person, and they get offensive because you are the person you are... are they actually a "friend"?

when i talk its always about what interests me and im passionate about pc games, my book (im currently writing) oh and of course football and golf. when i start talking about these things i can't shut up because i have so much to say but when made to talk about something im not interested in i immediately change the subject. my best friend is very tolerant of this especially when i start talking about my boy friend because he's str8 and an NT. im lucky to have friends and people around me that accept me for who i am, if i did not have these people i would go into a shell and not talk at all. i go to an aspie youth club and an LGB one so i have people around me who share much of my troubles and this also helps. i think its the people around us that affect us and what we say, friends should not pressure us to speak for they arn't "real" friends if they do.
my advice though it may sound unsympathetic im sorry if it does i don't mean to sound that way but find some better friends who accept you for who you are. It worked for me and im happier than before. xxx

This is a HUGE problem for me. When I know I am going to have to talk to someone, I spend a few minutes thinking up conversation topics. When someone calls me unexpectedly, I usually avoid picking up the phone, take a little time to think stuff up, and then call them back. (Call display is the best invention EVER.)

I'm always getting myself into trouble because I run out of things to say. It isn't something you'd think would be a problem for anyone; I've never heard anyone else mention it before, but for me it has always been a problem. My friends think I don't want to talk to them, my mother thinks I'm being evasive, and my co-workers think I'm not paying attention in meetings.

It's very embarassing when you're in a conversation and you're well aware that it's your turn to say something, and the other person stares at you, and you just stand there looking at them mutely... panicking... eyes getting wider and wider... until finally you blurt out something completely inane because you're desperate.

The people I work with think I'm stupid because of it. I constantly make a fool of myself when I try to make small talk with someone I don't know too well.

In short, HELL YES I have this problem.


You know how one of the signs of Asperger's Syndrome is supposed to be having trouble being able to tell when it's your turn to say something in a conversation? I think the problem has been misinterpreted. I think THIS is the problem.

Last edited by Esperanza on 13 Apr 2007, 4:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think i've ignored answering the phone at least twice today.

I have this trouble sometimes. Plus I like being in a group when everyone is quiet - this says to me that everyone is content. Why ruin it?

Asking vague questions is the best way I know of keeping a conversation going. "How are you?" or "What have you been up to recently?" will require answers which in turn provide opportunities for further questions. Plus at some stage most people will bounce the questions back, so you get to give your opinions too.

[edit] I must add that I do sometimes use this technique inappropriately and end up asking really stupid questions. Personally I find it's better to take the risk and be embarrassed every so often than it is to be seen as totally antisocial. It can be quite exhausting trying to think of things to say, though.

Thanks for your replies.

Yeah, definately. Sometimes it is a nightmare. I sometimes IM people off forums or they IM me because I want to speak to people and then when I get on IM I just can't think of anything to say so just ask pointless questions or don't say anything. I guess I rely on other people to help out with the conversation.

Sometimes, in RL I find that I just ask incessant questions and this can irritate people. Like if someone initiates conversation at university in the common room, I ask them what their subject is and ask loads of questions (mostly out of genuine interest) but people tend not to want to speak that much about anything specific and often aren't passionate enough about anything to want to have a decent talk about it. A lot of the time, I find myself asking questions that I already know the answer to just for the want of anything else to say.

I have piano lessons and when it gets to the end I always find it excrutiating because the teacher doesn't specifically say it is the end and sometimes it takes me a couple of minutes to realise e.g. he says something like 'right, well you can go and practice that piece for next week' and then starts making general comments about the weather or asking how I am getting on at university etc.
I mean, I enjoy the lessons and the teacher is great and makes you feel quite comfortable (I normally hate playing in front of other people) but just the transition from lesson to conversation always throw me and I end up talking rubbish and realising after a couple of minutes of talking said rubbish that the teacher is trying to politely signify that the lesson is over.

I have this problem, too. I try the 'ask questions' thing, and I've been criticized for not opening up and sharing things about myself. But, I've tried to plan things to tell if I know I'm going to be with people a long time, and I seem to say something at the wrong time, or... I don't know. Very frustrating. So, I just let people call me shy.

boots

I just sit silently quite often. Once I'm comfortable with someone though, it does become a lot easier. BUT, I also do what your friend does, because I am often afraid that the "conversations" that I have turn out to just be monologues (hey - I spelled it right).

LOL; with over 100 posts on average per day you must have something to say

I have the same problem. Mostly I end up asking "so how's school going?" or "how's work?" because sometimes that leads to something better to talk about.