I am on the edge

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There's too much to put here. I'm overloaded. I can't cope anymore. I was screaming this afternoon and breaking my things because my mother and Gary kept trying to talk me into packing my things from my old place and they would not leave me alone. My mother purposely wound me up earlier too and I called her a b!tch and told her I hate her.

I walked out through the alleyway to get a bus to go to the local train station to kill myself. I just stood still in the alleyway.

Do you have anyone you can talk to?

Nobody who would listen to me.

Can you stay at your other place to avoid them for a while?

Oh Smudge,

You have lots of good stuff in your brain. Please don't deprive us of you.

You've said some witty things in the past here on WP. I like reading your posts.

Do you have a person whom you could call. You don't have to talk about your problems. Just talk about nonsense if you so desire.

It's probably better not to be alone at this point.

So sorry to hear that you had a really awful day. :/

Smudge,

I am reasonably familiar with the edge. When the black feelings clear I am always glad that I managed to back away.

You're in the UK, right? Maybe the Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you) or a similar organisation can help you?

Lockheart

so. why did they want you pack your things from your old place, did you move recently? (sorry, i can't know) i assume gary is a relative.

i think you should do anything that will keep you from begin totally alone, now...as these thoughts might consume you. they used to do it to me when i was left completely alone and i needed someone to distract me.

it doesn't have to be about your problems. talk about anything, at least to keep away the thoughts of your hurting yourself.

Thank you, kraftie.

I don't have anyone to call. I'm open to offers. I have a friend I'm seeing on Saturday, but I need to talk to someone now. I don't want to bother him cos he seems to need his own space a lot. I know someone else who I've spoken to on the phone before, but he just patronized me.

My social worker doesn't listen to me either, and she's also in contact with the warden who was very intrusive, she was pressuring me herself, and she's also in contact with my parents (mother and sort of step-dad Gary). I can't confide in anyone.

I found the Samaritans patronizing before too. TBH I just want a friend who listens. And a home again where there are no wardens who can tell me what to do or open all my mail. I never want to go to sheltered housing again, all my nightmares about it came true. It feels like I've lost my home. It isn't mine, it's theirs.

1) The council told me that I had up to a month to move all my stuff from my old flat to the new one without being charged extra rent.

2) The warden ordered me to put down carpet in my flat "within 3 weeks" and would not take no for an answer. He was very pushy. When he left I collapsed on the floor curled into a ball because it was the same day I'd moved in and I was extremely stressed. I was trying so hard not to lose it because I'd just moved from a noisy neighbour situation above and beside me in my previous flat. I felt I was forced to move out because those neighbours had "Right to Buy" and besides them I loved my old flat. There were lots of trees in the garden and birdsong and they calmed me down. Both neighbours shouted at me, my eczema situation started up and I felt suicidal.

3) The neighbour below me in my new flat slammed doors too. I retaliated a few times and the same warden went up to me and insisted to me my neighbour below was quiet and decent and that I was creating all the noise. I slammed the door on him and I exploded. I screamed for a couple of hours so much that I lost my voice. I smashed a mug on the floor and I could not stop hyperventilating and screaming. I kept screaming I wanted to die. I wanted to set the flat alight and kill myself. The warden told my mother not to contact me and leave me alone. I needed her more than anyone. I was left alone for 3-4 hours.

4) My social worker and the warden kept trying to talk themselves into coming into my place. I said I NEEDED them to leave me alone (all of how to treat me was in my files) and they wouldn't leave me alone. Gary happened to have arrived there and when I told them he was there they left me alone.

5) Because of what happened, I came to a standstill and could not move for a couple of weeks. So the rent-free period went over a month and so rent started getting charged.

6) I also found out that the rent-free period didn't even exist.

7) I also found out that the warden had been opening all my mail. I found out because he was lying about the name and address on the parcel when it said my name and address very clearly in two places. I wasn't supposed to see it but saw it in their office. He has opened my other mail and made excuses for that too.

Hugs

that warden is a moron. really. here tampering with other people's mail is against the law and counts as "tampering with federal propriety", not sure what the law is like in the UK but i imagine it is similar. you could report him.
maybe scoop up some evidence of your downstairs neighbor slamming the doors all the same and show it to him...i would try to do that. because oh my god.

carpets can have all sort of nasty crap in them and creepy things living there so if you don't want to put it down "within three weeks" i totally get it!

i value independence. and i'd probably scream my head off if i "lost my home". hugs.

Please, don't kill yourself like that. you will suffer horribly doing that, even if just for a few seconds.

More to the point, don't kill yourself. Wait it out and the pain will ease.

I know it's unbearable, believe me, but the intensity will reduce somewhat.

^ this.

The poor guy was talking about going under a train. if telling it straight stops that, then it needs to be done. Pardon my insensitivity. I tend to be like that....

Sorry about all the bs you are going thru.It really sucks when you get to the point of breaking things.Been there.Its an awful feeling.I couldn't handle the door slamming either,odd sudden noises make me nervous and jumpy.Most people don't understand why we can't tune it out.
Hope things get better for you.