The human experience

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Do you connect with other people?

Well, I can't. I am introverted to the point where I myself say it's ridiculous, but that's okay in itself. I have avoidant personality disorder (which used to be linked to schizoid personality disorder until recently) and this is really a disgusting thing in combination with autism, I must say. But recently I have heard similar sentiments from non-avoidant/schizoid autistic people and I would love to hear about your experiences.

I wonder - Can you be honest and open with someone without regretting it or pushing them away in the process? Do you have friends who care about you? Ever talk to someone and feel you have a connection? Met someone you wanted to get to know closer? Are you not afraid? Ferling that you could fall into the arms of someone, that they would catch you? Well, when I fall... I hit the ground. There is no one to catch me.

[What I am going to describe is also one of the most obvious issues why I have a problem with the "high-low functioning" autism idea. Because that HF label I am given, it is nothing but a taunt.]

In general, it's all been very one-sided. I was interested in people who would never even look at me and people who were interested in me just made me uncomfortable. I never had real friends. And my relationships have been abusive. Every time I opened up, it was shallow. And I felt like I had violated myself. Maybe this is also partially my fault, as I have worn a mask for so long. I had the living crap beaten out of me in kindergarden and school and I learned to adapt, which was a painful and long process. I can pass as neurotypical these days, when I hide my idiosyncrasies and try to act like I don't have sensory issues or a head that weighs a ton. But it's so very draining. All energy used up for this. And, honestly... What a shame. What a shame I feel I have to do this.

At best I feel indifference. When an unavoidable situation occurs (avoidance is my defense mechanism, with gusto) and the overall stress and stimuli have been too much, I get fearful, too. From 0 to 100! In the wrong direction. And when my defense is not available, then my coping mechanism in the form of the "I'm one of you, my blood test proves that" facade is a mighty fortress. I'd do anything to not seem vulnerable. But does one not lose their humanity through this? One day I won't have the energy to guard this facade any longer. And I don't want to know what happens then.

At times I will walk home from a gathering, from work or just from a bad day with nothing spectacularly upsetting. Most of the time I am outside, it's for shopping or a favor for someone I know. Certainly not to myself. Show up here or there quickly, go to a relative's birthday party for twenty minutes, go pick something up, etc. I will walk home and think about all of what I am feeling. Or not feeling. There were times I could not hold back tears because it was too overwhelming. How does one manage to feel lonely in an overcrowded room? And what on earth is missing here?

It reminds me of how all the children were excited for birthday parties. At times, I was invited. Why celebrate? Why invite me? I could not ask those questions, I learned that quickly. I have very bad childhood memories sitting in my mother's car driving to parties. So much anxiety, it still gives me a stomach ache in this moment just thinking about it. Most of the time, I was of course not invited by other children, though. And was I glad! I think it made my mother very sad or maybe even angry to see this. But I cannot figure out whether she was angrier about me being excluded or at me being glad about it.

This is the first time in my life that I have expressed any of this. It's been locked in that head of mine for the longest time. It is a mess, I know. I have been asking myself for so long... The human experience. Where is it?

I am sorry things have never gone for you the way should have. The nature of autism especially is that you typically don't have a strong support system to help cope with the deficits. So you build your own, which cause to to pull even further away, which can end up being a perpetual occurrence and you end up trapped in some draining seemingly ongoing cycle and typically you haveno idea where you are in it or how, once again you ended up there again. At least that is how it has been for me

I have, in turn, learned to be self sufficient in practically every way (still have a couple close friends and my immediate family). Or tried, haven't always succeeded financially. The 'social game' is one best avoided anyways especially if it impairs your overall functioning, as it sounds it does

I recommend A lifestyle where you can work mostly independently and have some support through support groups. Can even meet like minded people, which for us, can be everything for a potential relationship. Truly open minded understanding individuals who arent too caught up in society can be something you yourself can find yourself eventually really enjoying the company of.

However you never may be able to enjoy the company of unique, interesting individuals if you never let yourself get to a nice healthy 'centered' mindset. It can make allllllll the difference, just have to find what it takes for YOU

It's morbid how the very most coping mechanisms turn out to be just as toxic as whatever shock it was that made us utilize them in the first place. I would love to be a hermit, I have no issues lacking social contact. What I have issues with is being forced into it. I was unfortunately not able to find an opportunity to work from home. That is a big issue. But then again, we can argue whethe rit would be really good or really bad to be completely withdrawn.

I was diagnosed at age 20. Many people would say when everything basically was too late already. As a result of this, my grades really suffered from it in school. And work has never been any better. I have no support groups near me. I only ever found one facility, simply called "autism center" near me. They had "help cure autism" posters in the window. So I tried to reach out online to others and it was such a revelation. I spent a lot of months philosophizing whether having been diagnosed early would have been a help or simply torture, considering the inept doctors and psychologists I had to see in my life and how I was only ever their experiment. Nevermind, doesn't help me now, does it...

The thing is, I came to think that aspies' lack of connectivity is actually one-sided to begin with, i.e. others do connect with us, but we fail to notice.
I have learned to see some people as close friends, even if it all feels alien to me, by applying the usual criteria for close friendship and see if they fit.
I wasn't aware that my brother and me are considered close, until I was told that we are.
However, I'm not really feeling it. Or anything, for that matter.

Which is all the more frightening, as it implies that I have abandoned a number of friends without even realizing it.

I wish somebody cared enough about me to be my friend.

Well said, I also need to look more carefully at those around me.

My impression is that some people have seen me as a bit of a challenge and thought they could make me normal, or more normal, by encouraging me to hang out with them, but only for the purpose of making them feel better about themselves, to re-establish their absolute unwavering sense of self and purpose having had that concept brought into question by what they had perceived in me.

Mind. Blown.

This is very... Interesting. It never even occured to me. It's a little scary to think this, to be honest. I am sitting here genuinely baffled, wondering if anybody ever felt this way about me. I always asumed that since most people around me bullied me, or at least attempted to, that even those who were nice to me were just being polite.

It reminds me of this story of how I now know I went to class with an autistic boy. We even sat next to each other! Both of us bullied mercilessly, but with very different coping strategies. We had pretty similar sensory issues, but I was so occupied with surviving and trying to shove everything (and everyone) out of my way that I never made this step in my head until five years later. Our interests and overall characters were so different that I it blinded me. I did not know I was autistic back in then, but still. Very dumbfounded about this.

Part of the reason I wrote my post was because once I started to reach out to other autistic people, I was shocked (and happy for them) how many have close friends and functioning romantic relationships. Or just good family ties. To be fair, I experience soul crushing anhedonia and schizoidism and while those are comorbidities, they must not automatically be commonalities. So at times I feel a little lonely about that. And trust me, that's the only thing I feel lonely about in the autistic community!