Why is dating so hard?
RetroGamer87
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Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,082
Location: Adelaide, Australia
My last thread turned into a 28 page disaster. Honestly I don't want to create a battle between the sexes. It is becoming increasingly apparent that dating is difficult for both sexes but the question is why?
I know that girls and guys both want to pair up. So if both groups want the same thing, why is it so hard to get it? Is it because both sides are too demanding? Both sides expect the perfect partner? Are both sides too shy? Is it because we try to ask indirectly, ask without asking?
Why is dating so hard?
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The days are long, but the years are short
Last edited by RetroGamer87 on 28 Dec 2015, 4:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
1. Because even though 99% of aspies here male and female want things to be easier, we are the minority, and love and dating is controlled by N.T's that specifically want 'the game' to continue.
Most N.T's don't even want it either.
It is just a minority. A small minority of physically attractive N.T's, amle or female, hold the cards and are the ones demanding control over the way love and dating works socially.
There are actually some men and women who intentionally actually choose to play 'the game' and follow traditional dating rules.
Some men actually advise their male friends to always pay, even if she wants to split the bill. Some women purposefully choose to play hard to get, both sexes may follow the 'don't text too early/too late rule', the 'don't ask out this way' 'ask them out that way' rules.
It's nearly impossible to actually recognize who follows and upholds these rules but the majority of people seem to complain about the rules of love and dating and don't like it however there are invisible people in society treating us like puppets in their little childish games.
2. It gets harder and harder to meet people.
3. The world doesn't cater to enough interests, those with obscure or interests slightly out of the norm for their location have nowhere to use their interest to meet others.
4. Because of 1, there are many many situations where you can't try for a relationship with a potential partner. 'Cold approaching' (approaching and introducting yourself to random strangers) is considered 'creepy' by modern society standards and in many situations is considered inappropriate. You can't try and pick-up women on a plane, train, at a church, wedding, funeral, on a bus, at your workplace, can you?
It severely limits the already limited number of places and opportunities available to you.
Indecision is a human condition. It's that which lets us build what we must before settling down with someone we can actually communicate with.
Also I almost got picked up by a girl in a window seat on a plane. Seriously. I wish I were kidding, we waited thirty seconds at the end of a moving walkway & mutually decided we were both crazy, but that was a great conversation. These days I may be in the dark but I know a girl who not only kept me sane during some extremely tough times but also treats me better than most other guys, so I feel privileged to even know her name. It's difficult yes but without the impulse to better myself I gained from this, no way would I be here to write about it.
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It's tough because most people aren't compatible to sustain a long term intimate relationship, but you don't know who you're going to be compatible with beforehand so you have to try different people on until you find one that fits. There are bound to be lots of mismatches in the meanwhile. Add in social defects due to autism and that just complicates things and makes compatibility that much more of an issue. It's not that hard to understand why finding relationships that work takes time and effort and means that unless you're very lucky and find the right person on the first try there are going to be mismatches. It's like that for everyone, but compatibility over the long term becomes even more of an issue when you're talking about people with social defects like us.
RetroGamer87
Veteran
Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,082
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Life is hard but you can learn how to do all the things you want to do if you put your mind to it. I would certainly say it's worth putting yourself out there so you can experience a meaningful relationship.
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I'm Alex Plank, the founder of Wrong Planet. Follow me (Alex Plank) on Blue Sky: https://bsky.app/profile/alexplank.bsky.social
Relationships are not push-button operations. You can't expect to do A, B, and then C, and expect to make anyone happy every time. Most relationships seem to be based on what two people find mutually enjoyable, while the participants ignore those things they don't enjoy ... at least, until the next argument ...
Everyone wants something when they go into dating. Weather it's just sex, long term sex, a relationship, a wife, their ego stroked - but they all play it off cool. And naturally, they distrust the other's intentions, they assume they're out to get them regardless of their own intentions. And they're micro-judging each other for small, irrelevant BS to who they are as a person. Basically, everyone is cynical with ulterior motives, and if they aren't, they assume the other is.
So yep, that's dating in a nutshell.
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If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing.
Dating is hard because the majority of NTs have too many potential partners, and so need to take down their pool of partners to something manageable. This is done with lists of requirements and dating. This is especially so for online dating, where the numbers are even greater. Also contributing is the idea of an ideal partner.
However, for NDs, there typically isn't a huge pool of potential partners that needs to be made manageable by putting up a large number of requirements, and if we copy NTs, then we end up with a potential pool of partners that is zero, or close to zero.
Thus, what NDs needs to understand is that they cannot copy NTs in this regard, rather needs to put together something that works.
However, for NDs, there typically isn't a huge pool of potential partners that needs to be made manageable by putting up a large number of requirements, and if we copy NTs, then we end up with a potential pool of partners that is zero, or close to zero.
Thus, what NDs needs to understand is that they cannot copy NTs in this regard, rather needs to put together something that works.
Call me cynical, but it sounds like you're saying that NDs just get the scraps and leftovers that the NTs didn't want. Nice to know one's place in the world.
If we play their game, chances are we won't even get the scraps, rather we will end up with nothing because we are too picky and play games with people that are too picky.
But if we set our own rules, and play by our natural instincts instead, then we won't get the scraps because then we are not participating in the game they invented.
If we play their game, chances are we won't even get the scraps, rather we will end up with nothing because we are too picky and play games with people that are too picky.
But if we set our own rules, and play by our natural instincts instead, then we won't get the scraps as we don't participate in the game they invented.
They have a whole game for this crap? Ugh, I think I'll stick to video, board and card games.
Most N.T's don't even want it either.
It is just a minority. A small minority of physically attractive N.T's, amle or female, hold the cards and are the ones demanding control over the way love and dating works socially.
There are actually some men and women who intentionally actually choose to play 'the game' and follow traditional dating rules.
Some men actually advise their male friends to always pay, even if she wants to split the bill. Some women purposefully choose to play hard to get, both sexes may follow the 'don't text too early/too late rule', the 'don't ask out this way' 'ask them out that way' rules.
It's nearly impossible to actually recognize who follows and upholds these rules but the majority of people seem to complain about the rules of love and dating and don't like it however there are invisible people in society treating us like puppets in their little childish games.
2. It gets harder and harder to meet people.
3. The world doesn't cater to enough interests, those with obscure or interests slightly out of the norm for their location have nowhere to use their interest to meet others.
4. Because of 1, there are many many situations where you can't try for a relationship with a potential partner. 'Cold approaching' (approaching and introducting yourself to random strangers) is considered 'creepy' by modern society standards and in many situations is considered inappropriate. You can't try and pick-up women on a plane, train, at a church, wedding, funeral, on a bus, at your workplace, can you?
It severely limits the already limited number of places and opportunities available to you.
1. Plenty of NTs don't play games. If you're not into game playing, don't play games. Easy-peasy.
Eg I promptly return calls from guys I'm interested in and assume the guys who don't call/email aren't interested.
2. The fact that people get together at all, even NTs, is pretty miraculous.
3. That's what the internet, your local orchid/bird watching/roller hockey league/etc is for.
4. It's not "cold approaching" if you chat up the girl you see weekly at bible study (church), the girl you're seated next to at a mutual friend's wedding (wedding) or asking a friend/rellie to set you up on a blind date. Picking up or even trying to pick up at a funeral is just bad form.
You can also try to meet people via Internet dating (tons of free sites) or speed dating (was $5 cover at my local pub, last time I checked).
However, for NDs, there typically isn't a huge pool of potential partners that needs to be made manageable by putting up a large number of requirements, and if we copy NTs, then we end up with a potential pool of partners that is zero, or close to zero.
Thus, what NDs needs to understand is that they cannot copy NTs in this regard, rather needs to put together something that works.
We are not the scraps of the world....and don't ever believe that we are.
We are just Alternative Gems. We might not be Diamonds---but we are certainly Amethyst!
Dating is hard--period! For everybody!
I've never used an online dating service. I had to do it the old-fashioned way. And I used to shake when I asked girls out.
Like the others stated, it's about having common interests, and ignoring all the little irritations which inevitably come our way which pertains to people other than yourself.
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