Does it help to 'accept' being alone forever?

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After banging my head against the wall trying to make social connections and failing, I wonder if it is better to

A). Try continually to fight the astronomical odds against my finding a friend or partner - the rationale being that some studies have shown that having meaningful human connections is correlated with better health and a higher sense of well-being. (The worry implicit in all of this, is that I'm taking a significant risk and gamble on my long-term health by facing all of life's stressors alone... ) (I'm already prone to severe depression, which is tied very closely to my lack of relationships )

B). Do the opposite and give up trying to make connections - the rationale being that I will only get more increasingly frustrated in the long run.

C). Other ?


Please share your comments on which route you think is best, whether for yourself or others on the spectrum.... Thanks ! !

It would help in answering your question to know why you are bombing out so badly. Are you approaching the wrong sort of people, approaching them in an improper manner, etc.

I don't think anyone needs to accept being alone forever.

If you're looking for a marriage partner imminently, this could definitely put some people off.

What have you done to identify your missteps and correct them for next time?

If this is too hard to answer in view of your depression, I'm not going to be upset.

I believe the best way to go about meeting people is not feeling that you must make friends RIGHT NOW.

Fortunately, we have the Internet--so you could make friends and perhaps find a relationship online. Talk to the person online at first, then gradually try to take steps to get together with that person.

I don't think you should give up trying to make friends completely. Just don't force it--let it happen naturally.

I think expectations come into play here. We can learn and improve, changing our odds of success and the ways we can approach things, but everyone is not built the same. Trying to force yourself into a very specific mold is exhausting and no one is at their best when they're exhausted, frustrated, and frazzled.

I don't have a lot of practical advice, as it's something I've struggled with, too. I spent a lot of my life restlessly chasing after social connection and relationships, but I think I might never be as intimate with anyone else as I am with my own pain at this point. That was a really hard realization to come to terms with, as I always told myself someday I'd be mature enough, smart enough, social enough to finally stop feeling lonely and disconnected.

I think people can get caught up in a cycle of distracting themselves and trying to collect accomplishments, friends, dates, etc. One of the few friends I do have said I talked like he wasn't even there at one point and asked me what I'd need to be satisfied, which was a wake up call. Even with someone there who was exactly what I said I wanted to find, I still felt like I needed to focus elsewhere and was failing to find enough. I'm not sure anything would satisfy me, really, as to date nothing has.

He's NT, but has struggled with a lot of the same problems over the years. As he puts it, if you have even one true friend you're not doing so bad.

Don't think so much. Just take action with trying to be more social. When you mess up, put it behind you are start again. That will help you improve.
You should know what your trying to achieve and make a proper plan how to do it but don't beat yourself up too much because that's unproductive. Accept your situation now and just do. That's all this attitude works for many situations.

<--- Usually alone. Okay with him, though.

Don't give up.

I think strategy is needed here.
I have had some success (as someone who has been alone for years) recently taking up with some groups of people whose interests or problems match mine. I think the human mind in a social sense (neurotypically) is more comfortable associating with people who are like them. People who have the same interests, field of work, problems/struggles or differences. Approaching these groups or individuals can often make them already predisposed to be more accepting of you than in general. I find it also helpful as an autistic to have a focus, something that takes all the stress off just being social, hence groups are even better - you're there to study a subject, or perform a practice, or seeking a solution to a problem via connection with others who understand. The socialising is secondary and therefore, less stressful. If you meet people casually in these sorts of settings, then friendships or relationships can evolve from there without being forced.
That's the strategy I'm working from at the moment, anyway.

Thanks for sharing that, C2V. I hope it works for you, and I hope your experience works for others.

I have given up trying to connect with people, especially the opposite sex. Look at some of the older threads about how I and my date got treated whenever I brought her home to meet my parents.

If it gives you peace then yes

I'll never accept not having enough friends. By doing so, you're giving up on yourself in a way, unless you want things that way or have people telling you off on a daily basis. Think about what your goals are and work toward them. And be patient!

Even for NTs, the gender role gap is still quite confounding. I don't get along with other men too well and women don't get me most of the time.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong really... I will initiate, or the other person will initiate, and the person and I will talk on the phone. Then, nothing. The person doesn't call, or I call the person and they won't return my phone call. Then I give up.

I get no indication that the other person wants nothing further to do with me. It just evaporates. No explanation.

I'm not sure what my missteps are. I could possibly be coming across creepy or too forward, by virtue of simply returning my interest (I'm female btw).

I think a therapy group or depression or Asperger's support group might help you identify what is going wrong. It's going to be hard for us to figure out here, especially since your own insight is pretty limited.

Such a group might also help you feel less desperately lonely.

Is there anything like that where you live? Do you have a branch of NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) chapter nearby?

There are Asperger/autism groups nearby, but they are mostly for kids. There is a branch of NAMI locally (which I attended). Very few people showed up, and it was mostly about sharing how you are coping with your illness. I was hoping for a bigger turnout, and perhaps some focus on doing fun activities together... but when the sole focus is how to cope with your mental illness, it makes it hard to say Hey i just need a friend. I also suffer from mental illness however so not knocking the group... In this day and age, it is a miracle to get together with anyone in real life...