Relationship Issues :(

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I'm a gay 19 year old male and before now I've only been in one relationship; we met when we were 12 and I fell in love with him at age 13, we were in a relationship briefly but it didn't really work out because he was unsure about his sexuality. I thought about him daily until I met someone else (4 months ago).

The person I met is great, he also has autism and we're extremely alike. We live in other countries, but it wouldn't take long to travel to each other. We currently consider ourselves to be 'together' but because of our autism and our quirky traits it's not like a traditional relationship especially due to the fact that it's only online for now.

Anyway, here's the issue: He's 13. He is extremely mature (physically and mentally) and intelligent, but the law says it's wrong regardless. We're following the law carefully so we don't get into trouble and his parents are aware of our relationship.

It makes me really frustrated because we're perfect for each other and are actually at the same level of maturity. It doesn't seem wrong from a logical point of view, but it's still considered wrong. As I said, we're sticking to the law and we're basically just talking as 2 normal friends would, but we say "I love you". He has sensory issues so even if we were in the same room, there would be very little physical contact anyway.

The second issue is the fact that his parents are aware of the online stuff, but they wouldn't approve of anything in person. I guess they think it's just a phase for him and we'll break up soon, but neither of us want that at all. I just want to protect him and make him happy; I've never wanted that for someone else before.

Why does everyone think it's wrong? It doesn't make sense.

I don't disagree with it.

I understand how age differences feel. I'm a straight male but have a preference for slightly older females, and would date up to age 20 if I could. Once I turn 18, even more than that.

But most women simply aren't attracted to a younger male, even once I do turn 18. My first girlfriend was 19 when I was still 16, so it's not like I haven't dated older before.

So long as you don't have sex with him, it's not technically illegal. I'm not sure what the laws would be for your area/country but in most places an 18+ having sex with an under 18 is considered statutory rape.

But it already sounds like he doesn't like the idea of affection/sex too much yet.

Anyway, my advice is unfortunately for now you'll just have to be patient. Continue talking to him and if this relationship lasts, that's great.

Once he's 18, you can both do whatever you want - as long as you have your parent's permission if you're both still living at home with them.

It's a fair bit of time though, I know.

My best friend is going through a similar issue. He's met this great girl online and while they're not technically dating yet, they're good friends and only live about an hour away from each other, and are planning to meet up in the future. He's hoping things will work out with her and they could try for a relationship. He's 17, she's about 14 or 15.

You clearly seem distressed about it even now then. Well, I'm sorry, I wish I knew what else to say other than have patience and wait and see if this thing lasts or not.

I'm not saying it won't, just suggesting to give it time.

How long have you guy's been talking + technically been in a relationship for?

Leave him be. A 13 yo is a child and you're a legal adult. Children cannot consent to sex with grownups. CANNOT.

Leave the boy alone, delete his contact information, do not ever contact him again. You'll move on. You'll be doing the right thing by moving on.

There are billions of people on the planet, half of whom are male. You will surely find one with whom you click. (And even if you don't, hey, by staying away from the 13 yo you will 1) not have sexually assaulted an underage child / groomed for sexual assault an underage child and 2) avoided potentially landing yourself on a sex offender list for having sexually assaulted a child).

Thanks for your comments.

We've been talking for 4 and a half months and have been in a relationship for 3.

In case the point didn't get through on the first post, neither of us have an intention of doing anything sexual with each other: His sensory problems would make it unpleasant for him, he's too young, and I don't even want to have sex with him (I'm not a particularly sexual person).

While ceasing to talk to him may seem like good advice, we're not actually doing anything wrong. We're just talking and his parents are OK with it. We just have normal conversations like two friends would, that's basically the extent of the relationship. We both know the law and are sticking to it, I don't understand why it's a problem that we continue, but I do understand it's considered morally incorrect to be friends with a 'child' (even though our maturity levels and intelligence are the same)

It's a bad situation, but for the first time I've actually had real feelings for someone. Without hesitation I'd make sacrifices to ensure he was happy, I've never even considered that kind of thing for other people. I just want to protect him and make him realise his full potential and to let him know he's loved. I don't see the harm in that.

I agree that you should stop the contact with the boy and never get into romance again with people so young. Also if you keep being attracted to people that young I am not sure, but perhaps it would be good to see a doctor about it.

I don't understand what the problem is though

Anyway, I'm usually attracted to my age and above, but with him there doesn't feel like an age gap because of his maturity and intelligence.

There IS an age gap. That is THE problem. The fact that you BOTH know the law and are sticking to it suggests you've had convos about being more than friends -- and that ALONE could be a crime, i.e. "Grooming" a child.

The time you spend chatting with this underage child you are clearly attracted to is time you could be spending doing something, anything else. Like finding a partner your own age or learning to knit or, well, just about anything else that is less likely to land you in legal hot water.

He's skid, you're a grownup attracted to him. The only sane thing to do is cut off all contact. The contact also hurts HIM.

Because yelling at OP is going to help his case at all.

OP, you really should be careful. Even with autism, you should know the dangers that can come with someone who can never consent to anything. The moment you or he decides that you want to take it to the next level means it's already too late.

Child porn, or speaking to a minor in a sexual context can land you 2-30 years in prison depending on which state or statutes your potential crime would fall under.

Also having that title of an SO doesn't seem so appealing, and then you're basically screwed out of having a future or anything because you're in love with someone that you shouldn't even be taking the risk of speaking too.

One important measure to take is that if you do continue speaking to him, you will be prone to seeking more younger people with the same qualities you find attractive in your current relationship. And that's not good.

Break that bond, before you end up paying for it later. Trust me on this. You do not want to live the rest of your life with that specific issue. A sex offender is one thing, but a sex offender that is attracted to children is a whole other can of worms not worth opening.

Please. Get help before its too late.

Yeah the fact that you don't see the problem might be a big part of it.

His age matters though, not maturity or anything. Also in your signature you say that you feel like 14, so maybe more than him being mature it's you who are a little immature (no offense meant, really), this would also explain why you don't see the problem.
Are his parents really ok with him having a 19 years old boyfriend or they think you two are friends? And if so are you sure that they know? Even if they did know it'd be better to find someone of your age I think.

Last edited by Peacesells on 10 Jan 2016, 9:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The age of consent in the UK is 16, and it's almost a sure bet that sometime in the next 3 years, you and he will give in to temptation. You're swimming in shark infested waters. Move on. Someone your own age will come along

Thanks for the comments everyone.

We love each other and I don't want to lose him though. Any advice?

How did the two of you first make contact?

On a forum for Bronies.

I was online friends with a 15year-old girl when I was 20. She had some issues with drugs & i encouraged her to quit. When she 1st told me she liked me, I was against the idea of a relationship cuz I didn't want her to get hurt. I thought about it some & realized she was happier with me in her life & her life was going better. We were an online couple for about 6 months before things fell apart between us. I had some issues & I ended up hurting her emotionally. Shortly after we broke up, she was bragging on a forum about how she drank so much she had to get her stomach pumped. I kind of wondered if our breakup contributed to that but it probably didn't sense she got drunk with friends. I still feel like I should of done a better job of protecting & helping her.

I'm not completely against the idea of you being in an online relationship with him Joseph, especially sense his parents know. But you need to be extremely careful that you don't hurt him. An online relationship can be really tough after awhile, especially when you know you have to wait years before you can really be together offline.

This actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Would I be correct in inferring that you have not contacted your first boyfriend since you broke up?

You say that you think about the boyfriend you had when you were 13 every single day. Is it possible that these obsessive thoughts have caused you to be interested in this 13 year-old because it somehow reminds you of/replaces the first boyfriend you had? It's interesting that both your first boyfriend (whom you thought about heavily for 6 years) and your current boyfriend are the same age.

I very much doubt this kid is physically or mentally as mature as you are, and even if he was on par with you mentally, that wouldn't say much, as you yourself claim to adopt the mentality of a 14 year-old. Moreover, it's easy to make these claims without providing any quantifiable evidence to support them.



You can't be perfect for each other when he's at the beginning of his teenage years, and you're at the end of yours. How has this guy shown maturity? What has he done that makes you think he's beyond his peers in this area? Come on, man, you're hardly going to say that you're dating a 13 year-old who isn't mature for their age. And on what planet is it logical for an adult to be romantically involved with a 13 year-old kid?

What age gap do you think is inappropriate then? 20 and 13? 21? 25?



Does this really surprise you?

Take yourself out of the situation and put yourself in his parents' shoes. How eager would you be to let your child go hang out with an adult who's romantically interested in them. That would be extremely negligent parenting.



What doesn't make sense is how you could think it's right. Look back on yourself and your maturity level from 6 years ago. If you don't think you've gone through dramatic change during that 6 year period, you're lying to yourself. Now the kid you want to date is probably similar to where you were 6 years ago mentally. Whether you recognise it or not, he has a lot more development ahead of him than you do. If you're so intent on being with this guy, wait for him to turn 18.

I suppose there's a chance it's related, but I don't think so. When I met him I didn't know how young he was, he didn't have much personal information online and we'd been talking for a while about our common interests and things before I started getting to know any information about him. He looks, sounds, and acts much older than he is and could easily get away with pretending to be 16 or perhaps even 18. My ex was very immature, although we were both 13 when we were in a relationship, he was still very much like a child (physically and mentally).



He's mature for his age and I'm immature for my age, he often comes across as more mature than me. He's a lot better at life skills and coping than I am, too. Although I am acutely aware of the age issue, I often feel like he's older than me.



The fact that he's able to make rational and informed decisions while thinking about the future. A lot of younger people rush to decisions based on what they want now, whereas he will make decisions which are of long-term benefit. He's also highly intelligent and has therefore been moved ahead in school so he's with older pupils and he fits right in with them and sometimes comes across as one of the older people in the class.

While generally an adult and a child shouldn't really be involved in such a way, he really shouldn't be considered a child as such due to his advanced development. His parents recognise that and that's why they haven't made a big deal out of us being together. He finds other 13 year olds immature and annoying because they're all 'children' to him. I'm not just saying he's mature; he really is.

Not sure what age gaps are/aren't appropriate; it depends on the situation. I think that each relationship should be evaluated to know if it is/isn't appropriate, there's a lot of factors and physical age doesn't always equate to mental age and maturity.

A hypothetical and (kind of) philosophical question for you: Is a 20 year old with development problems (so they have the reasoning and the mind of a 13 year old) able to have relationships with NT 20 year olds? Just curious about your thoughts to that. If an NT 13 year old can't be in a relationship with an adult, does that mean an adult with the brainpower of a 13 year can't be in a relationship with an NT adult?

I know the legal answer to that is "it's perfectly acceptable", but I want your answer based on what you feel is morally acceptable and unacceptable.



No surprise at all. I was just providing detail for the post and clarifying that there wasn't any physical/illegal activity taking place. It's all online talk at the moment and his parents do read what we talk about on occasion and don't have a problem with it. They know and trust him enough to know that a relationship with an older person isn't 100% bad, but they're understandably not overjoyed with the idea.



I have indeed. When I was 13, I could probably pass for an 8 year old. I didn't develop at an average pace and started quite late. Whereas 'this guy' started developing very early and has been developing rapidly. I do understand that he still has a long way to go, but he truly is significantly more mature and developed than an average 13 year old.

He likes rules which means we've discussed the boundaries, the laws, and all the relevant stuff. We both know what is/isn't appropriate and neither of us would want to cross the line, even if we did, his parents would undoubtedly find out and make sure we never speak again. We're essentially just friends at the moment but we're very close and help eachother out with our problems. He has to stick to the rules otherwise he becomes very distressed and I definitely don't want to break any laws as far as this whole situation is concerned because it would ruin my future.

Another hypothetical question: Would you consider a normal friendship between us inappropriate? Keeping in mind his parents recognise he is ahead of his peers and is more comfortable with older people and therefore don't have issues with it.
As I've mentioned a few times, this is almost a normal friendship but we both recognise there's love involved and want to take things further when we are older, but for now we both know it's not appropriate so for the time being we just say "I love you" and that's about as intimate as things get. We're both happy to wait until he's an appropriate age, in fact, getting more intimate now would distress him due to the fact that he compulsively follows rules.




Absolutely. For the first time, I've been putting my feelings aside to make sure he's happy. It's a really strong bond and I've never experienced anything quite like it before. If I hurt him, it would probably hurt me more and it's the last thing I would want to do. His happiness and wellbeing is extremely important to me.



We've talked about it quite in-depth. We're both happy that our relationship isn't 'wrong', albeit most people would disagree. We're very aware of the laws and boundaries and as I mentioned above in this post, he compulsively follows rules and laws and I'm also very law abiding when it comes to things like this.

I know any kind of sexual interaction with him is wrong, he also knows it. Even if I wanted to (I don't), I wouldn't be able to make it sexual because he'd immediately say "that's illegal" and stop talking. In addition, his parents check the conversations occasionally so I'd definitely be in a lot of trouble. Besides, I'm not actually sexually interested in him at the moment, partly due to his age and partly due to the fact that I'm just not a particularly sexual person in general.



I do understand where you're coming from with this, but I'm not sure it applies here. He physically looks at least 16 and speaks/acts even older. I'm not attracted to the fact that he's younger but acts older, I'd rather he was the age he acts because then it wouldn't be inappropriate. I definitely think there's no risk of me developing an attraction to younger people in future due to this relationship.



How? We already have a really strong bond and I make him happy. Breaking the bond would just cause him immense sadness and put him back to where he was a few months ago. Once we got close he told me that he was surprised that I loved him for who he is because the NTs he'd been with in the past didn't understand him at all and kept getting angry at his quirky behaviour and "lack of affection" - he struggles with physical contact and didn't hug/kiss his previous partners and would push them away accidentally.
If I ended things, he would think it was his fault because all the relationships he's had were ended "because of him" (his ex's words). I could tell him it's purely about the age difference, but then he wouldn't understand why I ended things now; the age difference has always been there.

I really need some advice on this. I can't just end it because that would really hurt him and that's the last thing I want to do. Also, he's my only real friend and I'm truly happy when I'm talking to him, he's very special to me and ending this would leave a giant hole for me.