I don't get it anymore!

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Hi

I have had the experience that I say something in a friendly manner to people and they go all crazy at me as if I had said something bad (which I did not).

I want to clarify that all these people are NT. I am the only one with the possible AS diagnosis (still waiting for it).

For example:

1. I was with a friend and we were supposed to have lunch. I went to see what was for lunch and saw several things like soup, yogurt and fruit salad. So, I mentioned there are these three things and one can choose what one prefers or have a little bit of all three (in separate bowls obviously). My friend went all crazy and started shouting at me that we should have only soup. I was really shocked because I have never said anything bad to them or spoken in a rude way.

2. Same friend was leading myself and some other people in a song and dance routine. At the time we were seated just singing. I saw someone from the group come into the room and got up to ask them to come and join us in the song (and later the dance as well). My friend stopped singing and shouted at me to sit down and not invite the person into our song and also to not interrupt the event ( I was very quiet and had only gotten up and waved at the other person very quietly and mouthed come here and sing with me). Everybody stared and I sat down feeling really sad.

3. I helped a friend of a friend and then asked my friend if the other person had gotten to where they were going OK. In my view this is perfectly normal. If you help somebody and then you don't know the outcome, it is OK to ask about them and see how things were going. The friend of a friend was going to my friend's house and I showed them the way and walked with them a part of the way and then dropped them off so they could walk the other part by themselves. I did not stay to see whether they had gotten to my friend's house OK or not, but the next day I happened to run into my friend and asked them if the other person had gotten there OK. They had, which was nice.

However, when I told somebody that I had asked about that person's safe arrival at the friend's house, I was told that was a stupid thing to do and that I should not do that.

I am now getting to the point where I have no idea what to do anymore because what I do is wrong, but what I don't do is also wrong, Basically, I am never right no matter how hard I try.

Has anybody else had this experience?

Does your friend have a more severe aspergers/autism diagnosis?

If this is so, it sounds as if they have a very specific way of doing things. Perhaps they want only soup at lunch and never anything else. I am only hypothesizing, though. If it is the case that they are on the spectrum, you may not need to take it too personally.

And checking with someone that they are safely home is perfectly reasonable, as long as you don't check more than twice successfully. If they have answered that they are ok, you have been reasonable and considerate.

If the person who criticized you is NT, this sounds like unpleasant behavior. Maybe they have had a difficult week, or something personal is wrong. To be fair, that can also be true in the above situation.

Hello and thanks for your message!

Friend 1 and 2 are the same person, and that person is completely NT.

Friend of a friend is NT as is the person who they were going to see. I actually only asked once, since there is no need to ask more than one time (I have only ever helped that person once and if I helped them again I would guess they have made it OK from the first time, so I would not ask again).

I decided to edit the post to add the fact that they are NT, so that there is more clarity Thank you for reading and responding xx

Yeah, your friend doesn't seem too "normal" themselves. Very rigid.

Those three examples all seemed normal to me. They are wrong, not you. I mean, asking for a "sampler" of the three soup options isn't a typical ordering request in most places and would be a pain in the ass for your server most likely, but even that is a personal preference thing. I never ask for special things when I'm out. I hate when I go through the drive thru with someone who wants something that isn't on the menu or some atypical substitution requests. Some people think nothing of it at all. But I know it's me being picky.

It's possible your friend may be ASD. I seem similar to yourself in that I didn't start to investigate a possible Aspergers for myself until my mid 30s. As I'm uncovering things, I'm realizing most of the people I've been close to by choice (friends, spouse, etc) seem to show signs too. It possible that;s why I got along with these people in the first place. Maybe this is your friend.

You're the blind leading the blind

Your friend should not be shouting at you, even if you somehow made some minor faux pas. I don't see anything wrong with your behavior in any of the situations, but even if you've accidentally left out some relevant details that you weren't aware of or didn't perceive as relevant, your friend's reaction is quite off.

Let's say you think you casually mentioned the lunch choices, but in the past, you've smushed them all together into one bowl and friend was disgusted and unable to eat due to the unappetizing nature of your meal. That's still no reason to shout rather than saying "please don't combine your foods like that, it bothers me."

Or maybe your friend was planning to pay for the meal, as they had invited you out specifically for soup, and now thought you were trying to order extra things which friend would have to pay for. Rudely shouting would still be completely out of line.

Possibly in the second scenario you were louder than you think, so she was irritated about the interruption. Also, possibly the friend you invited over was someone your friend did not want joining in. Shouting still only made the matter worse, but maybe they think they have already made the issue clear to you and are frustrated that you are doing "it" again, while you remain oblivious. How did others react to the situation? Did they seem surprised by the friend's outburst?

The third situation at least did not involve anyone yelling at you, but I don't see how you could have done anything "stupid" by asking if someone had gotten to someone else's house okay. Maybe no one was supposed to know about the meeting and now you are blabbing around about it? Like maybe you don't know the two friends are having an illicit affair of some kind, so asking if one got to the other's house okay is like pointing out that you know about it, and is thus seen as a veiled threat that you'll tell people.

Probably none of these potential explanations are correct, but it seems likely that something is going on that you don't know about and your friend who yells is not as "normal" as you think.

Thank you so much everybody for your responses, I am so happy to have found this page to talk to other people who are similar to me! yay!

I just want to clarify, I never mix foods I had the three different foods in a row on the counter, and asked the person to feel free to eat either of the three or all of them in separate bowls. In this case we are not paying for the food because the food was provided for us.

I hate it when people order things that are not included in the menu, and I never do that myself! IF I ever do it I will do it after I finish the first meal, for example go and get a dessert from the menu after I finished the meal, or an extra drink of whatever. But, I will not start to make special requests, and I actually hate when people do it, but never say anything about it.

Thanks to all for your responses!