Passive Aggression

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Are AS and passive aggression mutually exclusive?

I do not understand how can an "aggression" be "passive"?
Do you mean "indirect" or "behind the back" or "hidden"?

Passive aggression is basically behavior that is showing anger in an indirect way. A passive-aggressive person will tend to either not like confrontation or feel unable to directly state his or her feelings for whatever reason.

So passive-aggressive behavior can be showing hostility or anger indirectly for a perceived slight, such as deliberately forgetting to do something, procrastinating, or having a negative attitude but refusing to acknowledge it.

Aspies tend to be very direct and some may not even have the capacity to be passive-aggressive, however I wouldn't rule it out.

I find passive-aggressive behavior to be very confusing because I don't tend to pick up on indirect communication so well.

I view "passive agression" as the opposite of assertiveness, in which case I would be very passive-agressive. My group counselor once told me I was most likely the least assertive person to ever walk through his door.

For my part, if someone repeatedly doesn't do things or procrastinates, i think i would have no base to judge that it is "deliberate".
=> then i would say "this person is unreliable or not willing to cooperate or encounters difficulties in doing it".
Nobody is ever "obliged" to do what you want, but there are consequences in not doing them.

I think that judging this as an "aggression" would be assuming an intention. This would be subjective and wouldn't change anything to the fact: if this happens often, you can’t rely on the cooperation of this person and you should find a solution.

Last edited by LaetiBlabla on 27 Jan 2016, 4:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Passive-aggression is not the opposite of assertiveness. Passive-aggressive people usually have difficulties with being assertive, but they find other indirect means to show anger or hostility.

The opposite of assertiveness would be non-assertiveness or passiveness. Unless you are showing anger or hostility though indirectly hostile behaviors, you would not be considered to be passive-aggressive.

That's not really the point. The point is that there are people who do these things deliberately as forms of aggression. Only a psychologist or other professional (besides the person doing the behavior) can really tell for sure.

Here's a link about passive-aggressive behavior in relationships.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201508/10-signs-passive-aggressive-relationship

Most people with AS are often pretty honest characters but I don't think it's common but rather a choice.

Most individuals who engage in passive aggressive acts are those who are too scared to tell you the truth because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

Examples-

1. When someone makes a comment about how your dress is ugly and you call them out. They say "I was just kidding."
2. When you call someone on the phone and they don't want to say that they aren't really interested in maintaining contact with you but don't want to come right out and say it. Rather it's "Can you call me back later? I have xzy."
3.If someone doesn't care for you and doesn't want you to sit next to them like on a bus or train. So they tell you that they have a cold or whatever. Yet everyone else can sit there.

That's not passive-aggressive behavior either. Those are white lies.

passive–aggressive
adjective

Definition of passive–aggressive: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/passive%E2%80%93aggressive

Thanks for the link, now I have a better view. For my part, among what i have read on the link:

For points 1 to 2, I would consider repeated gossip and repeated hostile humor as an "active aggression" IF repeated and generalized attitude, and probably “with intention” (unless the person has low logic or social intelligence). This is not “passive” to my opinion (even if so-called in the article).

To my opinion, the other points 3 to 5 is assuming intentions (not necessarily true). It is not long-term harmful because lying, fake excuses, blaming... I would say that it is a "“active" victimization” , not "passive-aggression" to my opinion. It is childish to my opinion because the liar has a short-term self-defense based on lie and long-term self-discrediting (once the truth appears here and there). You can simply give the truth in response, nothing to worry about to my opinion, truth always comes up one day or another, just a matter of time (or patience) and vigilance with this kind of person.

And for points 6 to 10, if you look at facts: in the work context, making a failure "on purpose" or not, has the same result: clear inefficiency in providing a work.
The person doing this (/not doing) has an "auto-destructive" (not "aggressive") attitude to my opinion because this person will have to take the responsibility of acts or failures to act. (The intention of the person having in this case no impact to my opinion.). I think this kind of attitude would not last long in most companies... In the case of a couple Relationship, you can choose to stay with a lazy liar, but i personally wouldn't.

With this kind of people, maybe better to organize things in written...

Well passive-aggression is really just a psychological term. It is used to describe a person who cannot directly express his or hostility for whatever reason. Such a person is still angry on the inside, and finds ways to express the hostility without coming out and saying "I'm angry" or by confronting the person.

Usually these ways of expressing anger are not productive and cause all kinds of problems for both the passive-aggressive person and others he or she deals with on a regular basis.

Whether the term "passive-aggressive" is actually accurate in describing the behaviors is not really relevant. It's just a term some psychologist came up with to describe a set of behaviors and the type of personality that tends to behave in this manner.

When i am angry, i say it directly and i say why. I always stay very factual and always provide solutions. But the first reaction of people is that they feel aggressed because they feel my anger (i can't hide it as it is there). It requires some courage to bring the problem. But long-term it is very efficient, people know where is the problem, solutions are found, it encourages others to tell you their problems as well and find solutions together.

That is why i say things directly, not because i can't lie, but because from my experience i know that truth is long-term very constructive.

From my experience, i saw that some people, do not express their frustration :

- some of them just transfer it on another person as a revenge.
This doesn't stop their frustration and it lowers their real self-esteem (although publicly apparently opposite).

- some other people decide to do as few as possible or destroy others' energy in order to transfer their frustration into laziness and destruction as a revenge.
This doesn't stop their frustration neither and it lowers their self-esteem as well.

From my experience i saw that lying is always long-term very destructive for self and others. The reasons of not expressing frustration is often :
- fear of emotional reactions,
- closely linked with not wanting to see or show one's own responsibility in the situation, own weaknesses,
- this attitude is well-encouraged by the wide-spread unrealistic idea that "you should be perfect" (and appear perfect)
- previous unexpressed frustrations which led to laziness (which needs to be hidden).

Last edited by LaetiBlabla on 27 Jan 2016, 7:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Passive aggressive tend to be subordinate, they cannot assert themselves directly.

As others said people on spectrum tend to be more direct, even if they don't know it is appropriate. However the degree that this is the case varies.

I don't think there is any direct correlation with ASD

I think on a minor level we are all capable of it at time.

I found some great videos on passive aggressive behavior

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5O0byrA2HZk

2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Cr1ztMqdro

I know that the words " I was just kidding" would fall under the passive aggressive umbrella because that's a way to cover up an offense.

I like to spend time alone and concentrate on my activities,
i do not like to chat all day long, i have objectives every day which i want to achieve,
i am not the slave of others' abusive requests. When i want something i do not ask others to do it at my place, so i do not expect others to do so. When i need something, i just do it myself, it goes quicker than trying to get it from others if i can do it well.
However i am always willing to help when the other person asks me something for which i have better knowledge or ability, and reverse, because it is a matter of efficiency for both sides.

Would you judge me "aggressive"??

If you feel hurt by this kind of attitude, i guess that you are not looking for efficiency. You are looking for attention, contacts, you need to have someone on your side, supporting you, depend on others for every thing you need, ask them to do things at your place, etc. I hope you are happy like that (i wouldn't be, it must be exhausting). I think that in that case, it is better you live with people who have plenty of time to take care of you, nothing else to do (not someone like me ).

If you are an independent adult, able to handle your life and achieve your goals yourself and not by constantly using others, then i would be of great help to let you work in calm and i would be happy to help when you have a problem that you can't solve, if i can, and reverse.

I personally live alone, i know that i have no time to take care of someone dependent.
At work, my attitude reveals efficient, i avoid energy-consuming-people because they would just prevent me from concentrating on my work efficiently (i happened to work with someone like this). I also do some small chats to satisfy their need to talk, to know their specific skills and show them i am there if i can help in my specific fields.

That's the kind of excuse i accept once or twice, not more...