Have you ever felt....

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Have you ever been so STRESSED OUT to do point where it's up there in the sky-high-level and to the point where to the outside world you seem perfectly calm and laid back?

Like you on the inside it's like, sirens-blaring, hair-tearing, head-banging-on the wall, stressed out. But on the outside and to your friends you seem pretty relaxed and not at all, in anyway, look like you're stressed.

All the time. Actually in that very moment right now. I look so chill. Even weirdly feel apathetic to it all. Numb in fact. Reality is that I am so stressed I cannot feel anything any more. It's like the level of stress met it's all time high and then suddenly.....just nothing. I still have problems that aren't fixed, but I am at this point where I am in blah state of miserable. That miserable almost defines happiness even though I am not happy.

Oh definitely. Last year, my group of friends(about 8 people) decided they hate me. I was so stressed out it felt like I was dying, but no-one seemed to notice I was upset.

After being in a hospital for one week after attempting suicide, and all the patients and nurses/workers all said they couldn't believe I was there because I looked 'so together.' Does that count?

That's the part of my mask that has been crumbling for a while now.

Yes. It seems like there's an inverse relationship to my stress level and how stressed I appear to other people. Sometimes I actually come across as cheerful and people will comment on how happy I look. It's weird when I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, having very desperate thoughts, but people think I'm in a good mood.

Vice versa if I'm feeling okay or in a good mood someone will probably say "cheer up."

Something that is interesting is that I used to make these drawings of people I thought were serene faces. My mom always asked me why I drew such sad people.

And when I would draw, my face would take on whatever contortion I was drawing. Apparently my face has a mind of it's own. I can't stand to play guitar around people because everybody says my face contorts all kinds of tortured ways. I have only played around about 5-10 people in my whole life.

I get so stressed out at times I become like a zombie.
I look calm on the outside but nothing really computes anymore.
It's like my brain takes a holiday in my own head.
I become very passive but I can snap on occasion if people continue to put pressure on me.
It's not good when I snap.
I will most likely self-harm.

Most of my panic is on the inside. I always figured that flapping doesn't solve the underlying problem, but maybe it's better to display one's true mood, so that people don't run away with the idea that there's nothing wrong. Trouble is, if I displayed every anxiety I had, it would overload people with it, and I don't usually know which of my anxieties are the really important ones.