Do you have times when you feel more, or less, autistic?

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I know this sounds like a really weird question - either you have autism or you don't but it's the only way I have found of describing the difference in how I am inside sometimes.

I have a diagnosis of AS but have learnt to usually manage quite well. I have a job in childcare/SEN, and recently got married (although my romantic life was sadly non-existent before I met my husband about 3 years ago). I do have issues day to day with little things annoying me (eg. people moving my stuff, washing up wrong, hanging the washing up wrong etc etc etc), social problems (eg. not knowing what is required in different situations, not knowing what to say etc), some sensory problems but not massive (eg. distracted by the smell of the horrible work washing up liquid on my hands, I hate buttons so having to do children's clothes can be a problem).

But then there are times every now and then, sometimes lots of days in a row or lots of instances close together, sometimes with quite a gap of functioning OK in between, where I can only describe it as feeling "extra autistic." Like every little things bothers me more, or like I can't deal with people, they just annoy me or overwhelm me. I'm much more likely to have my version of a shutdown in one of these periods and can sometimes almost feel it coming on. And then I will feel like this for a while (usually a few days) after my shutdown.

A shutdown for me is not a completely severe one - I am usually still aware or vaguely aware of what is going on and sometimes that my reaction has been inappropriate, but it's like my body takes over and I feel all sorts of things I can't even explain, often crying a lot, and won't be able to look at anyone for a good while afterwards. My emotions seem to have a very direct physiological effect on me ratehr than a mental one if that makes any sense.

So really, I was just wondering whether anyone else experiences this and whether people think AS/autism is a constant thing or that it's usual to have this feeling of being affected a different amount at different times.

I'd say so. There are times when I manage to interact with a group and feel like I fit in, and these are the times where I feel less autistic. But then there are times when I completely bomb social interaction and have a meltdown or display anxiety, and these are the times when I feel more autistic.

I am 64 and have been working on myslf for around 30 something years so and have found many ways to maintain myself in an NT appearence pretty well but I go from one side to the other and I call "aspie or human mode"

If you are tired or stressed you will feel and present as "more autistic".

Yeah, I was going to say that when I am overwhelmed, I just go into a much different place. It's a much more enhanced version of my difficulties.

Reading becomes difficult (I've actually inverted the meanings of sentences in my head, thus dropping comprehension), dropping words, agitation, hearing goes a bit wonkier, ability to only follow basic procedures on things I've done either all my life or put a lot into learning how to do them. I have to plan more...sometimes down to the minutes of when and where to be, what to have done.....Can't stand to feel like people are not listening to what I am saying. I just go into complete anal mode on everything. And, worse, I can only accept or give information in the way it comes out. I lose that control there. This is exactly what it feels like:


And, with the things I am learning about myself, I can start to understand why people may not be listening...it just may not be coming out right.

If I'm angry or stressed out I tend to act up more. I talk to myself, pace up and down and do weird hand movements. My mother, if I'm with her at the time, will get in my personal space and touch my arm to stop me which makes me worse and I end up snapping at her. Then of course I'm a bad guy.

I have this too and it makes me feel like a fraud because I can do so well. Usually it follows a pattern: one or two really good days where I get a lot done and do people well, followed by one to two days to two weeks of being very off where I can't seem to get up and do anything and can't handle going out to do the things I want to do with other people.

I don't have a diagnosis though. Just OCD, Depression, anxiety, and two practioners have said I am ADHD. I have not been evaluated for ASD.

Thanks everyone, it looks like I'm not completely off my rocker on this one then! Is that the way everyone else would describe it to someone else or has anyone found a different understandable way to convey how they are to important people?

I think I show more autistic traits when I'm particularly tired/ stressed/ excited - basically when I'm over-stimulated. I guess telling people that your autistic traits will be stronger at certain times is a perfectly fine way of describing it. That's how I'd describe it anyway!

This describes me perfectly.

Yep always. On the more autistic days I'm a lot more prone to shutdowns and or meltdowns needless to say.

Most definitely. When I'm stressed out, tired, or there has simply been too many things going on in my life that used up my resources to cope and "be NT," I just lose the strength to muster more coping skills. I shut down, can't be social anymore, my ability to have good executive functioning goes to hell in terms of running my life, usually something I can seem NT-ish with. Sometimes if it's a social overload I can hide away, other times it's been public and caused disruption to the people I was with if I couldn't get away.

I feel more autistic when I stim. Lately I've begun to vocal stim more. I didn't used to much as a kid, I used to rock back and forth more then. Now I only rock at home when no one is looking. In either case, it happens most often when I am dwelling on something that makes me anxious, or when I'm thinking about something that I felt I didn't handle well. There I am thinking about it, then out of my mouth flies some nonsensical word, and I know people in the lab are looking at me. It's like "CHA!" ...."Oh, I was just excited about my histology, no worries!" That makes me feel more autistic than I think I come off normally.

As for times when I feel less autistic, well, I like to throw the occasional big party, and invite all of my friends together in one place. I think it freaks my roommates out to have that many people around, but I was raised in a VERY large family, so I have grown to like the chaos of it. Even though I truly enjoy alone time, bouncing around from table to table and chatting with everyone at those big parties makes me happy. This, I think, is my more NT side.