Mostly "letting out" some life stuff that's all bottled up

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I want to firstly say that some of the things discussed below are frankly embarrassing and I left out some stuff because I'm too awkward to say it. I should say that this isn't going to be only about my Asperger's, it's about lots of things. But I wanted to talk about it all because I don't have any friends so it's hard keeping stuff inside. It's somewhat difficult to find a place to start. I guess I should start by saying that for the past eight or so months I've been looking for a good psychologist to diagnose me with some problems I face. These issues are both mental health related and developmental. When I was initially searching for a good psych, I only had moderate depression and anxiety and a few people had suggested the possibility that I might have a autism spectrum disorder. But at this time I never saw how these issues affected every aspect of my life. At the time my best friend was Katie. And I thought she was the best most caring person in the world. But recently I have realised that she is just as wrong and cruel as everyone else. I've recently realised that it's her that made me have the mind set that allowed me to become addicted to weed, alcohol and cigarettes. Since around the time of my first doctors appointment in regards to my mental health, I have struggled within my friendship group, which made me more of an addict and made my mental health worse, causing me to develop more severe conditions. Though friendship issues are by far not the sole cause of my issues. For eight years of my life I was molested by my father. Also some of my odd obsessive traits caused by my autism include I am excessively obsession with the periodic table and can recite it in order and I wish I knew everything about it. My biggest social issue is having difficulty purveying empathy towards my peers. These "quirks" which I personally don't see as a bad thing, caused me to have no friends and to be constantly bullied in primary school. Anyways over the Christmas holidays Katie (my best friend and at the time obsession) stopped talking to me and began to hang out excessively with grace brayne (I hate her so much, that her name doesn't deserve capitals) (she's a manipulative overall bad person who hurt me physically and emotionally) which rapidly affected her personality. But I denied that she had changed and believed that she still cared. She left me because I made a comment which I meant no harm by, and relates to my empathy issues. She knew that I was autistic yet she ignored that fact and immediately treated me like dirt. Since I began seeking treatment for my developmental issues and mental health problems my depression has evolved into something resembling bipolar disorder (not entirely diagnosed yet) and I have finally been receiving proper medication for that. Also my anxiety has gotten way worse but literally nothing helps that. From about October-November my usage of alcohol and weed evolved into a daily addiction that I relied to escape my mood swings, violent outbursts, bullying at school, how much I hated myself and my more recent loss of my only friend (these addictions (primarily psychological not physical, naturally) practically ceased at the end of February). My addiction to cigarettes formed long before that, and was a old habit I picked up again in year 9. I first started smoking when I was eleven because it was a way to escape the thoughts about my father's sexual abuse. I didn't get truly addicted to cigarettes until year 11, when it began being a constant thing to rely upon. It is my only addiction that I still struggle with, and it is one I see no reason in removing from my life as I see no purpose to my existence anyways and it is a short term form of relief. I think I loved Katie, more than I have ever loved anyone, but not in a romantic or sexual manner. Until this day, my parents are complete addicts to those three things and it really impacts upon your childhood when your parents are too busy getting high and buying weed to feed you and buy you new clothes. I'm getting better, and hopefully once my neurotransmitters even out, this medication might begin to help me. Also, I have a minor form of dyslexia which causes me to find whiteout essential and I have already went through four of the whiteout tape thingies this year it caused me to reverse my letters and numerals heaps when I was younger, and still makes copying notes really difficult. I think it is also possible that I might have ADD from my mother smoking/etc whilst I was in utero. In recent weeks I have began to see how my mental illnesses and developmental conditions hurt those around me.
Also my mother is abit better nowadays that she isn't with my father, like she still gets high and drunk and angry daily but I'm used to it and in the past year I've learnt to love her and she has been making my life a fair bit easier, and is really supportive with me getting help with my issues etc. And for clarification, I'm still processing diagnoses with my awesome new psych who is actually helping me with my problems, some of which if my primary school teachers weren't lazy idiots, would already be diagnosed and assisted properly. Also I was a complete idiot intelligence wise until like year 8, when social and home stuff started becoming slightly easier.

My biggest problem currently is that I'm tired of living with my mother because if she's sober she doesn't understand me at all. Like she yells at me for talking about and being obsessed with things. And she can't understand my sensual issues and social deficits yet she acts as if she understands autisim. I really just can't deal with living with people that make me feel like s**t all of the time. I want to move out but I struggle to find a job because I act like a lunatic in interviews and stuff and I really want to go to uni and do chemistry but I couldn't afford it without a job. And I really don't want to become an addict like my parents or go back to self harming all of the time. Also my mums boyfriend always yells at me for not being at school enough but I'm doing a special learning thing to help look after myself so I do my last year of school over two years and don't have to be at school that much but he doesn't listen. Also my mum is getting really sick of taking me to appointments and stuff and once I run out of free ones no one will pay for me to see my psych. Sorry to waste your time, I just needed a way to rant.

It's not a waste of anyone's time at all to let your voice be heard and ask for help from anyone out there.

I'm sorry in that, in your current situation, I don't know too much advice to give.

You are in a situation many others may be in, in which you're living a life you currently cannot control, and feel your destiny is set in stone.

This isn't true at all but an illusion, but a deadly one that can make us feel depressed, hopeless and lost when others seem to have the power to dictate how we live, our own friends or family nonetheless.

Your mother's boyfriend just wouldn't understand, and you've already realized no matter how much you explain it to him, he just won't budge.

He's probably a bit old-fashioned and just doesn't understand millenials in general - that we usually live at home into young adulthood because of the economy and such, that we love technology more than any previous generation, etc.

With your mother, maybe you could ask her for help with actually job-seeking and possible tips or advice for interviews. That might not be the best course of action though as she sounds very non-understanding and, as frustrating as my family and I find psychologist and GP appointments and such, they have to be done and the fact she might not help you anymore is ludicrous.

Have you thought about trying to go for your countries disability pension? It sounds like your difficulties are enough to prevent you from getting a job.

In Australia, a disabled person is usually a dependent and they usually have a carer, a parent or hired help, until a certain age, where the carer status is lost and the disabled person has to fend for their own and look for work, or go through all the hoops to get onto the disability pension.

For now, my overall advice is to Have hope, and stick it through.

Try to spend your time dealing with it, but also seek help. Seek the school gudiance officer, counsellors, anyone and everyone who can help if you have depression/anxiety/other problems and really just need people to talk to to help you.

Wrongplanet and other such websites are always open and available as well. I suggest The Haven for an issue such as this.

Also, just how much about chemistry do you know? Just the actual periodic table, or do you actually know more about chemistry? I suggest following your passion and learning as much as you posibly can, to see if you'd still be interested enough to try it in university.

You seem to be in a dark place now but the good news is it gets better.

As someone who's been there regarding a few things (lower middle class background, family high in substance abuse, physical abuse, criminals, unemployment, high school dropouts, disabled people, father was abusive to mother, alcoholic father, psychopathic redneck step-dad, bullied and used throughout all of primary and high school, sexually assaulted at least once, Autistic/ADHD little brother and a very hyperactive little sister who can be terribly behaved at times and cause great stress and frustration for my mother and me, companies always being incompetent and bullsh*tting us such as Social Security, Cell Phone services, mail/postal, Real estate, the law and police, the hospital and paramedics/doctors, I suffer myself from Aspergers, co-morbid with General Anxiety disorder and agoraphobia, etc.) I'd be happy to help with anything. The good news is I've mostly got my life in order now and feeling much better than I used to.