Less than a year...

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...if the possibility , as I've outlined , of me dying in less than a year exists I guess it's faiir to posit that , if that happens , I will not reach my Heinz birthday .
Let's talk about things I guess I'll never do , then ...........Many might be things I'd internalized were unlikely already , but ...

No Sir.

You'll live beyond the Heinz date.

...I suppose , then , I'll never go to university/college/uni , have " the college experience " - Remember , I came to San Francisco to , " virtuously " , go to CCSF and go , from there , to uni .
Maybe neither will happen .
I'll never travel particularly , even within the US , let alone abroad . I did want to see some of the nice scenery in the US , like the Big Sky Country , or White Sands (where my parents honeymooned) .
I don't know that I'll ever even see my brother , or my parents' gravesite , ever again !
Overseas I'm apparently barred from Canada and (oh the irony) Australia with my past Santa Cruz legalities ~ I wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef , and I sort of wanted to see the rather depressing crappy towns where the Aboriginies tend to live , which is sort of perverse , I know , besides I could see American Indians' likewise areas here in America ~
I might not literally be banned from the European Union , apparently , I don't see where I'd ever be able to go , though ? England/Wales/the UK ? France ?(I'll admit...This movie with Fred Astaire and Audrey Hepburn , " FUNNY FACE " , which kind up played up the whole Americans-In-Paris thing , + similar ones sort of got me interested thatways) I have a Internet friend in Denmark , again maybe perversely , I maybe wanted to glimpse at this " old squatters/hippies/punkers/et al " noncommercial place that barely remains in Copenhagen , Christiana...
There's a whole lot of movies I've never seen and wanted to , going back to pre-video days when old Hollywood movies showed up on local TV and there were more revival houses , I never quite caught up:-(...
I've rarely even had a VCR or a DVD player...

At least as far as seeing your brother is concerned, it could be viable at this moment.

Do you keep in touch via email? Is he in a custodial-type place rather than a group-home type place?

All the other stuff. Continue to dream of the possibilities. You could always take a bus into Montana in the summer. You'll see Big Sky Country then.

Do you have a bucket list?

...You know , to get around/make contact , I would need passing ability at a smartphone/tech ~ I DO NOT HAVE THAT PASSING ABILITY ! THIS IS THE POILT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE ALL AONG !
All these years that I have posted on the Internet , posting is about all I can do , my verbal-ness covers this up .
I want to be better at getting icons up , getting photos , videos , up , stuff like that ~ I NEED HELP ! in getting better at it !
Not " take a class " , ESPECIALLY when I am still , essentially , BARELY ABLE TO WALK with the congestive heart failure/renal problems ?
Please , won't somebody help me ?

...Well, thank you for commenting , anyway .
Couldn't someone with a little more funds/independence/closeness to the San Francisco Bay Area (Which has 7.1 million people ~ Doesn't ANYONE here read this ?) meet me ~ Or delegate someone they know to ?

It would REALLY help me , SO MUCH , to improve my phones , etc. ability ~ I would be able to accomplish things for myself more !

ASS-P wrote:

...You know , to get around/make contact , I would need passing ability at a smartphone/tech ~ I DO NOT HAVE THAT PASSING ABILITY ! THIS IS THE POILT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO MAKE ALL AONG !
All these years that I have posted on the Internet , posting is about all I can do , my verbal-ness covers this up .
I want to be better at getting icons up , getting photos , videos , up , stuff like that ~ I NEED HELP ! in getting better at it !
Not " take a class " , ESPECIALLY when I am still , essentially , BARELY ABLE TO WALK with the congestive heart failure/renal problems ?
Please , won't somebody help me ?

I am very sorry you are going through this.

but i am a 19 year old high school drop out and this is heavy.

this is beyond what i am capable of helping people.

Your situation seems like something that I could relate to. I'm only 17 years of age, but there are a lot of things I have never done in my life despite wanting to. I keep losing parts of my sanity, coherence and the simplest things I need in order to survive. In the future I can see myself having to live in an open institution or end it all. Not anything literal, but I can see myself fading further into the abyss with every waking day and I'm afraid my lack of life experience is someday going to leave me in bed with an illness in which I wouldn't be able to save myself.

I am not sure what it would be like to live your life, but if this helps to bring comfort in knowing that there are other struggling the same as you (which is something I often have less luck finding - someone to relate to). There are tiny moments in my life where I can do things for a while, but then everything piles on top of me and leaves me paralysed (something that you might even call a "meltdown"). I often have myself to blame, for not finding help and refusing to do anything to make life more satiable, but if you add my increasing lack of energy and physical function (the ability to move, walk and do ordinary things) to the equation then you would realise that it is a metaphorical "double-edged saw" (which means regardless of whatever I do there it would not get me any where in the long-run).

There are many things I cannot even achieve that most people would have learnt years ago. I apologise that I cannot supply you with proper help, but at least that are others who I guarantee will not hesitate to support you.

...I missed the standard's shelter last night , as I , briefly , got , kind of , caught in the rain/caught by my (semi-) crippledness .
I had been have-asleep for so long , it got past the time I could hope to get to the library and have any particular computer time .
To get out of the the murky damp air , and get some sun and outdoor air , I decided to go to the Yerba Buena Gardens/Mtreo via bus , I thought I could get a Sunday paper (which I did) and read in the sun ~ It was too rainy to read in the sun .
I went to the Starbucks at the Metreon , I wanted to see if I could maybe use their Wi-Fi . However , my tablet was totally powerless and there seemed to be no charger . I bought a snadwich and a donut .
After this , I wanted to circle back to go back to the Howard Street shelter , I decided I really couldn't walk , I thought the big street behind , which had a big bus stop , would surely have a bus stop - Nope .
Eventuually , I got a Metereon clean-up person to call the Fire Departemnt for me , who called a hot Team van , who took me back to the shelter , well past the time dinner had stopped being served .
Maybe I'm going to die here .
Another day in paradise .

...The thing is , at the bus stop ~ and I thought that , at 5:30/6:00 or so , surely there'd be a bus ! ~ Well , there WASN'T .
And , based on my earlier taking 50-70 minutes to walk uphill from the shelter to the library , I did decide to call for a ride .
I thought I might could "justify " my being out late that way , too , though that didn't turn out to be an issue .
Considering the fairly considerable length from the Metreon buss stop to the shelter I think my doinng this was justified .
My life amounts to little selse but eating overly salty food and more junk food than I should at the shelter , eventually sleeping , though with some I-can't-get-to-sleep time , then , morningtime " getting-semi-sleep " time " which prevents me from going out as soon as I could _ with a MEGA-ULTRA-LIMITED list of places to go to !

I understand your frustration, It's not being able to do something, I've experienced this to. Probably, most of the Autistic community has to. It's. part of being Autistic, you always have to have some sort of Block from doing something. Simply rather it is Language disorders/Learning disabilities, Like Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Executive Functioning skills, or a Anxiety issues. There is always something to stop you. Then simple things like, Increased risk for things like your talking about are a likely possibility. Though, I'm interested in If you and your brother have a good relationship, It sounds like you care for him alot. I realize it is hard to be positive when it seems like the world is against you.

Sadly, I Can't help you with that, but I can suggest a good editing program, there is a good free PC one called Paint.net. Since I live across the country, I can't help you. I have quite a knack for editing photos. Though I can't draw. My Profile Picture Was Shinyified using that application from a Picture. But other than that I can't help you.. It's pretty cool
Pre

...So , I was described as " terminally ill " .

...There is something described as " Homeward Bound " gift bus tickets this and other towns provide homeless people (That is the official phrase , IIRC , so you can look it up .) ~ " Get Out Of Town , You Bum " tickets .
Bus tickets to go away , to a specific other town .
Since they're " nice " , they make the recipient show s/he has a relative/friend to go to , who will take them in , " so they're not just pushing people out of town " . You see , EVERY homeless person has a loveable Grannie waiting for him in a cozy New England village somewhere !
I have no adult family who cares about me ~ This certainly contributes to my being HL . Therefore I am ineligible , should I want to try and take advantage and go somewhere . (At this time , anyhow , I do not want to do so . Not at this time .)
If I wanted to , I would , bluntly , have to get someone to lie for me ~ Say they were my relative/friend , so I could go .
I would not ask , if such a case happened , the person who said that to take me in , only to get me the ticket .