Losing faith

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I feel I'm losing my faith in God (Christianity at least) and it's throwing me into emotional anguish because I've held onto certain beliefs so long and now I see most of them with suspicion and resentment in the context of understanding modern culture and my own psychological health. I don't know what, if any, of the bible to believe or take seriously anymore. I have a very prominent conscience but a lot of the biblical.description of God's character and commands makes no sense to me.

At times, when I've actually been able to let go of the weight of my dogmatized past, I feel happier than I've ever been. Instinctively, I feel like life has meaning and there's good in the world on unseen levels, even that some things seem to "happen for a reason". I don't feel like my indoctrination was that healthy for my brain and emotional wellbeing. I never thought I'd lose my faith but I don't even know what I believe in now. I believe love for one another is beautiful and important. I believe a lot of my prayers have been answered. I don't know if I believe this is the work of a biblical Judeo-christian God though. Could it be an off target attempt to depict a real bur different God?

Getting faith back is (IMHO)
harder than getting it the first time.

Go at your pace.

A couple of books that I found to be powerfully thought-provoking when I had a lot of questions regarding what was at the base of Christianity:

Meditations on the Tarot: A Journey Into Christian Hermeticism - Unknown Author (ie. Valentin Tomberg) translated by Robert Powell.

Secret Teachings of All Ages - Manly P Hall

While I'm not sure I'd recommend believing everything in them necessarily I do feel like they do a great job at opening the philosophic can of worms that both the Catholic and Protestant schools of faith do a lot to keep behind closed doors, that is all the philosophic connections between Christianity, paganism in the broader context, oriental spirituality, western esotericism and magic, etc. etc.. Valentin in MOTT actually does this from a decidely pro-Catholic perspective, talking at length about everyone from Aquinas, Bonaventure, Theresa of Avila, and John of the Cross to Martinez de Pasqually (founder of Elus Cohen), Eliphas Levi, and Papus.

If all of that sounds a bit too weird feel free to pass on it. I figured I should at least make you aware of these as they served quite well in my own transition of faith.

If the religion you were taught is not working out for you seek another. There are lots of options. My wife and I (both AS) practice Paganism and it works well for us. Explore whats around you and find something that meets your needs. Good luck.

Welcome to reality, god isn't real, I felt the same way ealier age but feel relieved an invisible control freak does not exist, giving he does exist he sure seems to take joy in the suffering of others. Gives man free will but expects man to obey and believe in him when hes nowhere to be found, its all a myth, a ploy to control people.