I am my worst enemy

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Hi all. I have a huge problem. Im 30 years old now and Im being abused and used. My life story really. The thing is with me I cant do harm to others, no matter how badly they´ve treated me. Now with harm I do not mean physical harm obviously. But im affraid of hurting others. This has lead me to a point in my life where Im not happy. Im in serious trouble now but Im not secure enough to talk about it here on this forum. I just want to know where the hell this comes from. Why do I always feel Im doing something wrong by getting what I want? Why do I have to put myself in other ppls shoes that do not deserve sympathy. Am I affraid they will get angry with me? And why do I even care?

This is soooo important for me to do tho, standing up to this 1 person thats making my life a living hell.
help help heeelp!!

Are you talking about verbal abuse?

Yes, sexual, verbal, mental. Wish i could explain better but id have to do that in like private. Cuz im paranoid. And my OCD dont help in that department

Realize that you're worth more than this, and you deserve better. That's what I had to do, and it was hard.

Yes I know and thank you . Im getting help now with my issue. Im affraid of conflict. Thats my main problem. I wish I could tell my whole story so it would make sense. But maybe that will come at a later time.

Hang in there, Drekka.

Sounds like you are starting to take control. Keep getting help. Talk in more detail to us as you feel like it.

Good for you for taking positive steps!

DD

I'm not a counselor. I don't know what to say to you. I wish I could help. I think you should read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

I know how you feel about avoiding conflict. If you're really being abused, maybe you can get the cops involved.

Maybe your lack of ability to hurt others comes from the knowledge of what hurting people does (from people hurting you). I dont think you have to hurt someone to be happy yourself. You definately deserve to be happy and live a pleasent life. I think you have the right to a happy life. Standing up may be the most deathy fear of your life at the moment, but what other choice do you really have? I think by reaching out, even as much as you have so far, you want another way of life. And by standing up you can make your choice public to the people you know (either to those who love you or to those who are currently abusing you). No one has the right to hurt you and you have the right not to take any of it. Sexual abuse is physical abuse (unless you mean someone forcing you to watch porn or just showing your sexual things).

I think everyone deserves a little understanding but know when to not give in to excusing this person from their responsibilites in all their capabilites of being a kind and caring person. You do not have to put yourself in other peoples shoes that do not deserve sympathy. Maybe you feel you do, but you really dont.

I hope you live in some place where you have good neighbors or some place safe or neutral to run to close by if needed. Sometimes you just need to get out of the environment to see how functional people are and break the cycle. I would not be afraid to ask for help if a moment of crisis arises, even to a stranger. I would think that most people would be willing to help you, but I have no idea if that is the kind of place you live in or what not. There have been some moments of my life where I needed to physically run and sometimes I was stoped by the abusive person and one time I got away and I hid in a bathroom and ladies came in and were really sympathetic and asked if they can help in anyway and I found friends and got help. Even if you dont feel it is "that bad" sometimes, bad is bad and any bad moment is a good time to get away and get help.

I hate making waves or being a bother to any one. I am an Au Pair right now living with a family (which is an extended family really, the father in the family is my godmothers cousin) and they are so nice and caring. But I dont feel I can ask for anything. Ever. Even sometimes at home in my own house I cant talk to people (even my mom who I tell most everythign) about something important. Here, I cant ask for a bar of soap or if I can go out on the weekends (which is toally my time and I have no obligations to the family). I know the problem is me for whatever reason and it isnt them not being open. I talked to my mom in depth about it and other connected problems. But something that stuck with me is "you deserve a bar of soap. you are worth a bar of soap. you are worth a million bars of soap."

I hope you know (or come to realize soon) that you are worth every great feeling in the world and you deserve to be happy and shame on the person who abuses you and thinks that they have right to take your happyness and your right to happyness away. I think hell is one of life's lessons some times but it doesn't seem right that some people have to go through so much of it in one life time.

Thank you whit3rabbit Ive done just that and ii feel great today. I confronted the problem and Im well on my way to getting my life back. Thank you all again for your support. You´ve helped me alot

Drekka,

The one thing that would be good for you to understand is that when you do nothing in these situations, you actually are doing something. You are saying it's okay for this to continue by your non-action. That is not only bad for you, it's a continuation of a feeling you've developed that you somehow deserve this and only you can break that. What is more, you are hurting the other person when you stay because they are also in this cycle where they abuse because they themselves feel worthless. As long as two remain in this situation, it will go on until one is gone...one way or the other. So please do not let your mind trick you into thinking you are not hurting yourself or this other person when you are hurting both of you and so is the other person. Focus on breaking the cycle you are both in instead of on how this will hurt the other person. If you had localized cancer and needed an operation, yes it would hurt, but it would be necessary. Right now you are both in that situation. I'm glad you are getting help and standing up. If at all possible, please walk away. Remember what I said, this hurts both of you in the end.

Good thoughts to you. Continue to be strong.

Zanne