a whole bunch of things

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When I first posted something on this forum, I was pretty sure that I was so "high functioning" that I could, perhaps, just barely pass as on the spectrum.

I did not try to get diagnosed in the mean-time, but I did do a lot of reading and research, and the more of it I do, the more I'm realizing how 'damaged' I am. Just curious whether or not I'm alone in this, and if not, how many of you have to live with these problems.

Let's give this a go then:
1. Understanding your own feelings - even just a few months back, I would have been pretty adamant that I do _NOT_ have any feelings whatsoever. What I did realize is that I do have them, I just cannot put them into words or exactly link them to something. I would best describe it with the scenes from Scooby Doo where Velma loses her glasses and plays touch and go trying to find them.
2. The brain isn't communicating with the rest of the body - I haven't really heard anyone talk about this, ever. Pretty much all of the bodily needs just go under the radar and I consciously have to force myself to get up and do it. I drink water when I "think" I have to. You get the gist.
3. Shot inner clock - if I set the alarm to wake me up at 8 AM, I'm probably going to wake up between 7 and 8 by myself. That's cool. What isn't cool is that when it comes to reviewing events from the past or thinking about certain situations, I just have no sense of passing of time. My whole life feels like a single second. I live in the moment. This is also pretty bad when it comes to social relationships, where even if we've been the best of friends for years, that last thing you do could make me interpret the whole relationship as that one mistake. I have ended numerous close friendships because of single 'incidents'. In the grand scheme of things, they are usually so irrelevant that people often tell me that they're shocked at how strict (or childish) I am. It's a black and white world.
4. Little to no self-preservation - if I didn't have someone literally shoving food down my throat every day, I think I'd probably starve to death.
5. Depression - this one is pretty common. The not so common part is me not remembering the last time I've not been depressed. Surely it has been more than half my life by this point.

This is just what's bothering me the most at the moment. I'm not looking for comfort or a shoulder to cry on. Sort of just hoping to stop thinking of myself as insane.

It sounds more like you're suffering more from chronic depression/low mood than ASD solely based off of what you've written here.

1 and 2 for me
Number 2; I have a problem initiating anything. It part of executive dysfuction common amoung autistics.

3 is not uncommon on the spectrum

I didn't mean to infer that you don't have ASD, sorry, I worded that first response poorly--it's early here and I'm still waking up.

I meant that it sounds like you're struggling currently with chronic depression and low mood that doesn't necessarily have to have a direct relation to your ASD.

When I get depressed, I hardly eat or drink anything either, and my anxiety kicks up to the point of having disassociation etc.. , which is obviously common in everyone with depression/anxiety issues.

I'm not sure whether or not I would be diagnosed as on the spectrum, to tell you the truth. There's really no way to get diagnosed where I live, so it really is just down to me to do the research and try to work things out.

Don't sweat it though, I don't take anything personally. Just wanted to have this topic pointed in a specific direction and to get the opinions/experiences of the people in the community. We good

Just to clear things up, it's not just about food (regarding self-preservation). If it came down to going to a doctor or just kicking the bucket, high likelihood that I'd choose the latter.

Cheers for the responses

Yes... 1,2,4, and 5. The eating/drinking thing is a major issue right now. Stress makes it worse.

I'm 40 and about to start the diagnostic process, I have a 13 year old daughter also about to start the process, and our 10 year old son was diagnosed as Asperger's when he was 5 or 6. So I'll try and respond covering our varying viewpoints

1. Both of our kids have a very hard time expressing/understanding their feelings. Our daughter in particular over the past six months or so has had massive problems with anxiety, and she does a lot of what I've always done: bottle them up until she explodes. This may be an age thing, too. The younger you are, the smaller your vocabulary, so of course it's going to be harder for kids to express this stuff than adults. Speaking from an adult perspective, I try quite often these days to describe what's going on in my head to my husband. Sometimes I'll think I'm getting through to him, but his behaviour or words after various conversations will then show that either he's stupid and doesn't understand English, or I'm just not communicating things clear enough. The jury's still out on that one. My parents seem to get what I'm saying, though. Not sure if that means they're smarter than hubby, or if they're both on the spectrum somewhere, too.

2. Our son has a huge issue with this, too. Just a couple of weeks ago he wet himself on the couch because he was so engrossed in his game (he's hooked on Terraria at the moment) that going to the toilet never occurred to him. This is an ongoing problem with him. Every time he goes to the toilet, he has to run because his bladder is about to burst. I can't get from him whether he's just holding on until he HAS to go because he'd rather play, or if he is literally unaware of his bladder until it's fit to burst. I have a sneaking suspicion it's actually the latter. As a consequence, he often smells of urine to some degree, because by the time he's running to the loo he's starting to leak. Food is also a big issue for him. It doesn't seem to occur to him to eat without a lot of prompting from us. Even when there's food in front of him we have to continually prompt him to eat it, because he seems to just forget it's there. The only time he eats with any gusto is when he's extremely hungry or it's something he absolutely loves, both rare. He's a bit better with drinking, but not much. Quite a few times, also, I've had to pull his blankets off him in bed because I can see he's sweating but it doesn't occur to him that taking off his blankets would cool him down. There really does seem to be a disconnect. Our daughter seems okay with this kind of thing, most of the time. I'm somewhere between them, I think. If the kids are at school and hubby is at work, I usually don't eat. I can often be heard to say, "I forgot to eat." I don't know if it's because I'm lazy, or it doesn't occur to me to eat, or what. Until I started typing the paragraph I hadn't even made the connection between our son's eating habits (or lack thereof) and mine

3. My inner clock is weird. During the day when the kids are at school, I can accurately guess the approximate time before looking at the clock, unless I've been very much engrossed in something. I have an internal alarm clock and can pretty much wake up at whatever time I need to. But, if someone asks me when I last saw somebody or last did something or how long I've been taking a medication or whatever, I have no idea. Things I think happened last week or last month actually happened a year or two ago. I keep telling people I have no concept of time. I don't think they believe me.

4. I think I pretty much answered this in point two. I'm not very good at looking after myself, and our son is way worse than me, which is one of the main things that worries me about him growing up and moving out (if he ever does!). I often picture him being like one of those people you hear about over in Asia somewhere, those people who get so caught up in playing a video game that they don't eat or sleep or drink for three days and end up dying of a heart attack at the age of 24. That is a very real concern for me.

5. Depression and anxiety are very common co-morbidities for people on the spectrum, and why wouldn't they be? We live in an almost constant state of overload. We are consistently misunderstood. We get bullied. We don't understand ourselves or the world around us, or both, much of the time. I don't know about you, but EVERYTHING for me is an effort. Just the fact that I have children tires me out. They don't have to be home for it to stress me out, just knowing that these two young people rely on me to take care of them is exhausting. I have a husband who doesn't understand me, no matter how much I try to explain myself to him. I have two people I'd call friends: one I haven't seen since December last year, the other since May last year. The way I am at the moment makes socialising just impossible. All the visits to doctors and interacting with staff at the kids' schools, PLUS having a hubby and kids living with me, are more than I can handle already, and I have nothing left in me to be able to see my friends. I could go on about mental health issues for hours, so I'll shut up now. But yeah, it's a thing, but at least it's a thing that can be helped somewhat by taking medication and getting counselling (if you have the energy to see a counsellor!!).

I have no idea if any of this is helpful, but I hope it was

I'll go on ahead and give myself a pat on the back because, apparently, the things I described really are a 'thing'. I can chill down on the insanity bit, at least for a short while haha.
Cheers for the replies, especially mummy, very detailed

Embrace the insanity, sweetheart