Being emotionally unavailable

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I'm putting this in the women's section because I don't think they guys really understand this from a woman's perspective.

It seems to me that I have a way of masking how I feel. It's not deliberate, but I think that I am more blank than other women and I'm not seen to be as warm or affectionate.

People say that I'm lovely and also that I'm quiet. I don't have brusque demeanour. It's not like people don't like me, but I feel like I lack something I'm expected to have.

I never feel close to people. I know people like me. But I'm not sending out the right signals.

It's a bank holiday Monday in the UK this week. And I'm on my own. I don't have anyone to spend time with. I'll bet the people I know don't know I'm lonely and just assume I'm happy on my own or that because I'm nice that I do have friends.

It's worse when I meet a man I'm attracted to and he seems to like me back I think a regular woman would show how she feels more openly, but I feel like I can't come over as available. Like I have an invisible wall. I didn't mean to build the wall, I just don't know any other way to be. My signals are all wrong, like a cat that purrs when it's angry or hisses when it's happy.

I think I've hurt someone recently and I actually do care about him. I just don't show it like other people do. I look fine. But I've got all these emotions going on inside me that I don't know what to do about.

And I think I'm just going to keep on losing people I care about because I can't express myself clearly.

In reality I feel overly emotional and get too overwhelmed, so I freeze up. Like when you've opened too many windows on an old laptop.

It takes a lot of energy to be emotionally available, I dont always recognise what I am feeling, like a time delay until the emotion becomes clearer, but by then the moment has passed and so has the opportunity.
Sometimes negative emotions come out physically as anxiety, or through nightmares and I have to put life on hold to figure out the cause of the nervous energy because I need to know is it a big or a small issue that has led to me feeling this way.

HurtLoam,

I can connect!

I get what you are saying about feeling lonely because you believe you wear a mask that people can't connect with. People say things to me like I'm hard to read or I'm withdrawn, including people trained in mental health. It's true and I am trying the best I can to deal with it. It's not like I ever chose the mask or to be emotionally unavailable. People who say things like this have no idea what a lonely and painful existence it is to be unable to connect.

I'd like to know more about what it's like to freeze. It happens to me about 20 times a day. I could be walking down a bike path and somebody rides their bike too close to me and I freeze because I'm angry but they didn't hit me so I wonder if I should be angry and by the time I'm done debating myself they are 5 feet away and I figure it's not worth it anymore.

I do think I know what you mean... people have always seemed to like me as well. I have had lots of acquaintances over the years, but I am just not capable of making real, actual friends. I can't give up enough of myself.

I find it hard to make friends with either gender, because they both expect women to be much sweeter and warmer than I am. People look at me and tend to assume I am sweet because of how my face looks (I look just like my mom who, coincidentally, is sweet and warm to people. She's a social butterfly.), and then are taken aback when they actually speak to me.

It's especially bad for me with NT women. Men will usually either go away because I scare them a bit or if they are the more outgoing type they will suss out what I'm like and roll with it. Women usually think that I hate them and hate me back right away, because I don't know how to do... whatever it is I'm supposed to do to bond with other women.

And I freeze people out sometimes. Sometimes I just can't help it, I just lock up. I can't handle any more talking, or they're talking to me "wrong" (this was how I described it as a kid, but I really don't know exactly what it is. Sometimes people talk to me in certain ways that rub me wrong and I can't continue) and I just don't connect at all.

I have also always sort of projected the image that I'm okay on my own. I had some crummy friends in elementary and middle school, who treated me badly without me realizing for far too long. So after that I never wanted to be seen as weak. I don't really talk to anyone casually anymore, not even on the internet. I'm working on that... This forum is the most I have spoken about myself in a very long time, and this is post number... 5? Heh. It's also hard for me to figure out how much to write in a post because I tend to over-explain things... then I just delete them so that I don't look like I'm talking to much for a new person.

I think I am in very much the same place you are. But I can certainly relate to how you're feeling and knowing that a few others are dealing with this is comforting... I do find that writing my thoughts down helps me organize them, especially if they are emotional in nature. I have a lot of trouble expressing emotions or talking out my feelings to people without just crying hysterically, even if they aren't "that big of a deal," so writing things down helps me figure myself out when I don't know why I'm locked up.

Shutting down is me being non verbal. I feel trapped inside of myself.

It's so hard when people misunderstand you because of this - especially when people who you love and care about think that you don't.

Yup. Also I will remove myself from the situation if at all possible. So currently I know that I care about a certain person, but the stress shuts me down, especially if I find him looking at me. I won't go and talk to him, even though I want to. I feel like there's nothing I can do, so I go home where I am comfortable. Except I go home and think, oh I should have done this or that and sometimes end up feeling worse because I beat myself up over what I should have done.

I understand that foglike state of severe stress and I can understand why you'd want to run and hide as fast as you can from that sort of stress. It's not possible to think rationally in that state at all. I don't care what any therapist says

This is so familiar. I hate myself when I do this. There are some people that just scare me, and I would just like to not look at them or not have anything to do with them, and then sometimes I have to force myself to do it anyway and talk and act bizarre.

What do you do when you've had a bad day and somebody wants to tell you about the good day they just had?

I can become quite irritable when people want to talk to me, but I cant muster the energy to be conversational. Sometimes I can push past that, but its a bit like detaching from myself and all I am doing is listening with nods and affirmative words. I think most people are happy and not insulted if you make them feel heard.

i feel the same....i dont know why, maybe it's true that i have a frozen heart.cause i really cannot connect, be it with someone i consider a friend or a loved one.and not even to my family...

I'm hearing ya, hurtloam...

Something I've always failed to articulate & you've summed it up perfectly

for someone who doesn't like talking casually to people, or talking about herself, this is a very deep post, so you are brave for writing it. I really respect you for stepping out of your comfort zone.

I can relate to what you say about not gaining mutual understanding with most women. Ironically, it's some men, and hardly any women, who tell me that I'm sweet/warm/kind as they get to know me.

Also, I tend to meet more men who are direct like me. Some of my male friends and I express our deepest feelings well to each other, but not to everyone we meet. People are sometimes surprised as I start expressing my feelings in context as we move beyond the pleasantries. They tell me things like, "Really? I never realized you felt that way." "You seem so confident," or a very surprised "Thank you!" when I give them a heartfelt compliment.

I appreciate your insight into people who seem emotionally unavailable but aren't. It's too easy to confuse them with people who don't want to be emotionally available, leading to misunderstanding. I will remember your struggle the next time I meet or talk to them. Are there things you wish those of us who are more outgoing/open would do to connect with you?

What do you think would happen if you told people that you are better at expressing emotions in writing than in person? Is that something you tried? Have you tried expressing your emotions to people in writing, and seeing how they react?

From what you say about your demeanor, I bet they would be surprised and give you a second look. If I met you, I would absolutely give you that second look and apologize for misunderstanding you. Goodness knows I've been misunderstood often enough!

Ah yes, I understand perfectly what you mean.

I, too, am an emotionally compromised woman. My husband on the other hand is extremely emotional and I often have trouble gauging what he means a lot of the time. Thinking about what others want, being considerate. It's hard, especially because I don't naturally understand what that means. It's not because I'm a bad person who want to hurt others, I simply usually see things as logically rather than having an emotional response. For instance, he becomes jealous. I don't understand jealousy unless I was cheating or kissing another guy. No, he gets mad that I am friends with other men. Eventually I've curved this behavior of his, but he still exhibits jealous tendencies that I could never fully understand and frankly I don't want to.

It's a struggle, is all I'm saying. Also a struggle that my mom sometimes doesn't even understand where I'm coming from, who is extremely emotional as well.

I'm bipolar. The things I feel are not necessarily right when it comes to my head. I have learned to bottle things up and I become very 'stone-like'. People don't know what I'm thinking and often times I come across as stoic and uncaring.

I hate smiling, it hurts my mouth. I don't see the point in doing it when meeting with strangers especially. NT people are confusing and exhausting.