I wish I was a girl!

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So I guess I'm coming out, coming out as exactly what, I'm not exactly sure. I've always kinda wanted to be a girl, like even since I was young child my roleplaying character was always female (so no, I never fit into the lack of imaginative play thing either), for example the very first characters we had back when I was like 3 and he was like four, he had Supergecko, who is male, and I had Roboiguana, who is female (she's also actually not an iguana, I always imagined her as looking something more like this). Then there is countless others after that throughout the years. What it really goes down to is I just like girls better than boys. Then in many years of my life, most my friends were girls and I always preferred hanging out with them, but many years most my friends were boys due to social pressure, or I just had no friends other than my brother as I didn't relate with any of the boys and didn't want to do sports with them, but I couldn't be with the girls either. I've also always liked growing my hair out, because it looks more feminine, and Later in childhood I learned about transsexuals, and the idea fascinated me, could changing sex really be possible? But in practice, I've found it to be a disappoint, more cosmetic than anything, not actually changing sex in a way I find meaningful to me. I'd like to actually be able to get pregnant and whatnot. Only I don't like about that idea is having people watch me give birth and all the tests that would require being nude from the waist down, but I figure I could just skip the tests, and get a cesarean section. Regardless, I'd take being able to procreate over having my genitals mutilated.

Another things that needs to be made clear, is I'm not gay. I often wish I was gay, because than things would be less complicated and I'd probably have more sympathy. However, I don't think I'm exactly heterosexual either. Like, heterosexual men describe what turns them on, and it does nothing for me. For example, breasts are nothing to me but organs for giving milk to babies, and truth is both male and female genitalia arouse me, but I prefer looking at vulva than penis because truth is, I kinda dislike getting sexually aroused and I wish I didn't have those feelings (I dislike the physical symptoms of arousal, and it's distracting, I'd rather think about other things), and the cleft of venus is much less bold than even a flaccid penis (one reason I'd rather be physically female, I could live without the ability to pee standing up). Also, the other reason is not exactly sexual, but I'm more interested in vulvas because they are unlike my own genitalia, and there is just so much more variation in them than in a mans with the shape of the labia. Than there is a quasi-abusive element to it, don't really want to get into detail on that as I'd rather not think about it. I definitely find woman more physically attractive than men, but it's not really a sexual thing, I dislike when women are in sexual poses, I like girls "modestly" dressed just not doing anything sexual and then just for everything to stay nonsexual, but when it does transfer to something sexual, I'm turned on most by girls who just feel nonsexual being forced into being naked and I kinda hate it, I don't want to be abusive. Really the thing that turns me on the most is the thought of myself getting abused, and I absolutely hate it.

So, this gets to a kinda existentialist crisis for me, do I really prefer woman because I relate more with them, or is it just because of biological attraction? I can't really say if I relate more to girls than boys or not. I really don't relate much with most boys, but there are somethings about girls I just don't understand either. One thing I've always preferred about girls is they've always just been more welcoming to me, the question is exactly why. Well, I'm sure some other people would disagree, but I've always considered myself I fairly empathetic person, and I don't really like many men because they aren't, and it disgusts me. I really can't stand the thought of anyone suffering, and try to figure out how people see things from their angle, though it's hard. I'm the kid who was always super disturbed when sad things happened in books, but I kept at them anyway. When I see someone injured, the same place in my body tingles eerily. I believe in a co-operation, not competition, because I'd like to see everyone win. I like conflict for the sake of driving things for what and making things interesting, but I can't emotionally handle it. I feel physically ill when I realize I hurt someone, either physically or emotionally. When I love animals, though I also love meat, and I've always been conflicted over that. And I've always felt kinda feminine because that.

Than we get to autism. I was not an easy child, and I got diagnosed at 8. While the actual diagnosis process was somewhat traumatic for reasons I don't want to talk about, I wasn't bothered by the diagnosis because first, I didn't exactly understand it was a diagnosis, and it was kinda explained to me as being that I'm very intelligent (which I liked), but bad at socializing (which I also kinda liked, because my understanding of socializing was skewed; I knew of sociazling from whevenever the lunch aides were like "quit socializing" when they were talking rather than listening, and I was trying to be obediant to please the people so I didn't do any of that, plus I didn't talk with the other kids because I just didn't relate, I was on a much higher level than them intellectually, and I didn't know anything about pop culture or whatever so there was just a gap which couldn't be bridged, than there were also racial tensions as I was the only white kid in the class, everyone else was black). Then later I was reading a book for the gifted reading class, and in the book a character was described by another character as having a brain between micro and mini by the narrator, and she speculates he has aspergers. Needless to say, I did NOT like that description, and I did a bit to figure out about more about the condition, found the immediate link with autism (which at the time I associated solely with severely ret*d children), and stuff describing aspergers as being like a computer and unimaginative and that crap, and I did not like that at all, nor did it describe me. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm actually very imaginative, and very creative. I also still fail to see how it's an autistic trait: in elementary school there was this one more severely autistic kid named Lamari. He would pace around and talk to himself. Well, I had enough empathy to know that at the time he was just lost in his imagination like I often was, and I listened enough to what he actually said when he was talking to himself to know he was pretending to be a secret agent, at least some of the times. Well, I had no problem with Lamari, but I was often quite mean to the ret*d kids to distance from them, and I tried to do all I could to prove I wasn't stupid. In my mind I wasn't autistic at all. Thing was, I was actually VERY sensitive to social pressure, despite all the lies I said otherwise, I just couldn't properly intuit out what people actually wanted. But I associated autism with freak, and tried to prove I'm normal, not a freak, and I didn't have to do the stupid social skills thing. Part of that was pretending to be as masculine as possible without actually doing the sports thing, and I knew talking about my feelings was not a masculine things, so I resisted all the attempts at therapy so much aside from what I had to do in attempt to prove I didn't need it. I also didn't sing for that reason, saw it as something feminine, but truth is, I ADORE singing, and I no longer hide it. Then there was also all this talking about empathy in those social skills things, which I didn't understand at all, as I didn't see it as a trait I lacked. Also talk on idioms and stuff, which I found to be a fun exercise, drawing the things out literally and figuratively, but again, not anything I actually had any problems with.

Well anyway, eventually I got out of the social skills classes in because I convinced them I no longer needed them, and I wanted to just leave all of that behind. Not long after that I moved to Virginia. For the first time in my life, I understood why people got upset over leaving their friends behind, because for the first time in a long I had emotional attachments (in kindergarten and 1st grade I had a couple friends, and they all moved away, and that hurt for awhile, than I forgot about that I got progressively stranger ideas as I was left a loner) to people outside my family, even though none of those people were really close friends, as I was too shy to initiate anything (which was exacerbated by empathy, not a lack of it, I figured I was annoying and thus didn't want to annoy people) and then I just didn't know how to do the thing is. The other thing is, I'm actually a pretty social person in that I crave social interaction, though I'm still kind of an introvert and can only take so much of it for so long. I just did most my socializing on online forums during those years. Well, I tried not to get emotionally attached to anyone in Virginia because I was just going to be there for less than a year, than off to Brazil. In Brazil, I tried to start anew. It's a good thing my class in Brazil was just the best, as despite what I told myself, I really had very little social skills, mainly due to the lack of practice. Well, I made friends with one of the students there, and while I was working on a game concept with him, my uncles from the United States were visiting us. At the time, I was also getting over a crush who moved away, and with that experience I realized I wasn't actually that socially skilled. Well, while I was working on the game concept, my uncles were showing my siblings My Little Pony. During that time I was still pretending to be masculine, so I pretended I wasn't interested. However, there was just something about it I liked, and I was interested. Another thing I'll admit is I actually always kinda liked the Barbie movies my sisters kept watching, and My Little Pony kinda reminded me of those, but higher quality (I've really always liked fiction with emotional drama, I just didn't realize I liked it for awhile because my brother didn't, and I was kinda alexithymic so I looked up to my brother to judge what was good and what was bad). So I did some research it on it, and on tv tropes I noticed some fan theorizing that some of the characters had aspergers, and I had to investigate that. The first thing that spoke to me was seeing the clip of the first encounter with Fluttershy, she reminded me a lot of myself, with those selective mutism qualities, and I quite liked her. Thing is, previously all the autistic people I've met I found annoying and ugly. Next I actually watched the first episode of the show, and there I learned about the whole thing about Twilight having to learn social skills and stuff, which reminded me of my own experience, but she was likeable. Maybe that meant I might be likable. Also, I saw enough parallels between the ponies theorized to be autistic and myself to start considering the possibility that I am autistic.

So, back to researching autism again. This is also when I started using the forums, because this is the first time I actually wanted anything to do with anyone one the spectrum, prior I just hated them. Sorry, I was ignorant. Well, I kinda came to the initial conclusion that if I were to diagnosis myself, I would NOT diagnosis myself as autistic (when I finally got my own medical information about the diagnosis, I noticed somethings on there which were blatantly wrong in order to force me to fit the aspergers diagnosis, like misconstruing this one pretend game I played as being about facts, as well as other things which bring back bad memories...), but rather with ADHD first, than with OCD, than with SAD, but then I realized that was absurd, and further investigation led me to believe that I am in fact autistic, I just had to get past the clinical descriptions filled with the same tropes to the actual people and look at more human descriptions. In particular, I found I related more with the women on the spectrum than the men in most aspects, the only autism checklist that I found to actually describe me was that one specifically for teenage girls on the spectrum. So I guess it's not that I really see myself as being female in general, but being a very specific type of female, but still something distinctly female.

As long as I associated aspergers with myself, I've always seen it as kinda a feminine trait. Mainly because I associate it with girly boys, people have thought I'm gay all throughout school. But I've also always seen the autistic woman as kind of an ideal woman, at least for my idea of what autism is, as there are some many different ontologies for it, and the only one I care for is "like me". Thing is I see roughly as many women as I do men who are "like me", it's just the men are usually diagnosed as autistic, while the women aren't. Than I stumbled across the Extreme Male Brain Theory of Autism, and OH HO, I think you could guess by now why that does not set will with me AT ALL. It kinda makes sense on an intellectual level after doing some research, but intuitively it doesn't make any sense to me AT ALL, and even on the intellectual level it still has many gaps. One of my greatest worries is those gaps will all be filled. Well, maybe EMB is an autism, but it's not "like me". At least, I hope it isn't. All those ftm autistic kinda of bother to me, as if they are like me, than it's fighting against everything I know, but generally they are usually in the autistic group I don't relate with much at all, I've met enough autistic to know there I'm many I'm like, and many I'm like the polar opposite of. In terms of the traditional autistic traits that the E/S theory looks for, I've noticed I'm actually EXTREMELY mild, but I'm still obviously pretty autistic based on harder to describe autistic traits. Then I wonder, if I'm really effeminate or not. Regardless, I want to be MORE feminine, as long as that doesn't entail finding reptiles repulsive as I like reptiles, they're adorable and pretty.

Physically, I'm getting some mixed results. I've got fairly broad shoulders, but my voice is pretty high for a guy. My ring fingers are definitely longer than my index fingers, but only by a little bit, and the only other people I tested on it where an autistic man who is less behaviorally effeminate than I am (his index fingers are much longer than his ring fingers) and a sociopath who is extremely masculine (his index fingers are roughly equal length to his ring fingers, interesting to note he has twin sister, who he says she thinks like an autistic person, but is much to manipulative to actually be autistic, though she's manipulative in a pro-social way, she's also very pretty, and a lesbian so I don't know what to make of that), so I don't think the index/ring finger test means quite as much as it's made out to mean. Finally I'm not sure how masculine my face is, it's kind of handsome, but kinda in a pretty boy way. It looks rounded from the front, but angles up to the cheekbones from the side. I also have really pretty eyes (when I don't have too much dark eye), and a complex that makes people jealous, and many of my friends from Brazil say I have girl hair, relating to it's texture. My interests are superficially very masculine, but on closer examination they are kinda effeminate. For example, I'm a big fan of heavy metal, but it's mainly the bands the metalheads I dislike consider to be for poseur girls, like lots of alternative metal with seductive falsettos. Also I'm into math, but it's pure math, EVERYONE I know whose into pure math aside from me is a woman, the guys are all engineers so they are into applied math. Finally a like video games, but I prefer the artsy indie games. I really dislike many of the trends in mainstream video games with all this hyper realistic crap in a monochrome dirt pallet, graphically I like lots of pretty colors and heavily stylized stuff. I also don't like violent video games, like anything more violent than Zelda or Metroids (which is already pushing it as I really don't want to genocide the aliens, I just want to beat the bosses), unless it's so ridiculously violent that it can't be taken seriously as I have a very dark sense of humor.

The last six months, I've been on an LDS mission at the Family Church and History Headquarters Mission. Place is fine if you're a senior, but the way the it's currently run it's horrible for the young missionaries, I refuse to say young elders. As the place is, it could easily just be exploitation of autistic people for free labor, and if I don't see major changes happening soon, I swear god willing I will destroy that place as I cannot stand to see people abused. Still it didn't shake my faith as as much as I hate that place, I've witnessed things here I cannot deny. Anyway, aside from the borderline abusive way the place ended up functioning, I had one major problem with the place, and that's that there used to be young sisters serving there as well as young elders, and now there isn't. Also the young elders are kinda treated like sex-robots, which makes absolutely no sense. All the attitudes towards autism and gender at that place really didn't set well with me, especially in combination. One thing that particularly annoyed me was the mission president's wife saying I'd be working for a company with work like that in the future, NOT IF I CAN HELP IT! Really, I'd like to be a stay at home parent, raising the children, maybe working on projects for additional income. That's the main problem I have with the church, I just don't believe in gender as it's laid out by the proclamation to world about the family, I don't believe in non-fluid binary gender, and I especially don't believe it's a more defining characteristic of a person than autism is (another huge problem I have with the EMB, it's trying to encapsulate the different that autism is as just a gender different when there is so much more to it). My grandmother is a famous Mormon feminist whose not down with all that either, and now I'm living with her, so that's much better for my mental health.

So anyway, I guess that about sums it up. Still looking for answers, I need to know if I'm really at all transgender or if it's just wishful thinking for other reasons that's skewing my perception of things.

Sorry for the long rant, just read this article: http://time.com/transgender-men-sexism/?xid=fbshare

It further confirms that I'd rather be a woman. I also really don't autism is at all gendered, actual autistic traits don't seem to at all line up with confirmed gendered traits. I think it's just the way autistic people of different sexes are perceived which biases the diagnosis.

Hugs and support for you.

Do you experience any dysphoria, like discomfort in your male body or with being perceived as a male?

Yes. I can take it though. While I have problems with both the physical and perception part, I have more a problem with the perception part. They're probably be new problems if I actually were a girl, but I can only see things from where I am. I could be fine with being male if I wasn't being shoehorned into some gender role box as dedicated by the binary gender approach, though there would still be some dysphoria. One problem I have is the culture I'm in isn't mean, but it absolutely sucks in this regard, and it isn't even that masculine. It's just rigidly binary, with way to too much emphasis on gender. If I were to come out even to this degree, I wouldn't get much support from my peers. And while my actual family would probably be supportive, it would also just be too much of a shock. Also, I want to procreate naturally, and trans stuff might get in the way of that.

Thank you.

Your story is a hard one, I am in a similar boat as you, I have been searching for the answer for a long time now. Every step I take makes me think I am going forward. I have had a gender/ sexuality problem and the worst part is I have no answers only a question that burns with the ferocity of over 9000. The question being why does everyone else get a easy answer but for me I am left in the dark.

The only thing I know is that if you want the answer you are going to go down the habit hole and if/ when you make it back I hope you find what you were looking for.

^Not everyone gets an easy answer. I mean, my anima is more pronounced than my animus, but when it comes right down to it, I'm simply me, and gender doesn't matter to me. [Nice avatar, by the way!]

Well, at least we're not alone.

Good luck to you. Best of wishes for you to find happiness. All those with identity questions, I truly wish the best of luck. Having been down the road of, "Am I this or am I that..." it's not easy.

I'll leave the hugs and such to the more emotionally inclined than myself. But, I do understand and I wanted you to know that someone else hopes the best for you and others who posted about their difficult journeys as well.

Your experiences with the church is one of the reasons why I left that faith. It's a shame that there is so much sexism behind those walls, because that faith has many great family values at its core. But their treatment of both men and women are often terrifying.

Good luck to you on your inward search. It took me several years to understand myself. For a long time I wished to be transgendered because I feel much closer to the male gender than female. However, I grew to love myself with the body I was given by fate. Lots of people will say labels and such are not important, but they are definitely a great way to advance your self-identification. I hope you find the answers you seek. ^-^

But, can't you be transgendered and still retain the body you were born with?

There is a couple in South America. They are both transgendered, but never went through the physical changes. Just hormone treatments.

They recently had a natural born child just by stopping the hormone treatments. I know it is rare, but I am asking if the body makes that much of a difference? Doesn't it all come down to the mind?

I know that sound stupid, but I am trying to understand.

Edit: Went to find article:
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/d ... th-america

^It makes sense to me. My best friend is male to female transgender.

OK...but is your friend worried about the physical transition?

I get that some people would not want their bodies to be different from their identity. But for those who do not see it that way, are they being discriminated against by those who see the physical as the embodiment of their identity?

I see a lot of comments on transgender articles that confuse transvestism with transgender. Some guys just want to be pretty, but are still very masculine and not identified with being female.

^She is definitely transgender, but I haven't asked her lately about whether she wants to transition.

From what I understand, it is a touchy situation. Each person is different. I just look at it as a mechanical issue.

For me, people are organic machines. As one person put it, meatbags.

It's cold sounding, but it is how I view things. But, it's also why I have no issues with race or sexuality.