Recently discovered I have AS, it is something I suspected for a few years but had no concept of for the first 30 odd. It meant that I had extreme difficulties early on with learning, dating and expressing emotion. The real issues started as I got older though and became more successful at work and wanted to go deeper in a relationship. Looking back after reading this I rarely made eye contact with acquaintances or strangers and even in a romantic relationship it was often fleeting.
While I had trouble relating to people I learnt to adapt and mimic qualities like empathy. This lead to tricking myself
into feeling good by creating relationships with women. I do not believe I was lying to anyone but myself as I would feel very interested early but this would fade suddenly often.
After I turned 30 I started to make sense of some of these things and work on myself. I stopped wanting shallow relationships and focused myself on understanding me and in turn who could be right for me.
This was tough as it lead to much less dating and physical contact. There were times when I reverted to a shallower connection but again it always ended as it was not real to me and I could never fake interest.
Recently I started to come to peace with the idea that I would possibly not achieve that deeper level. It was a challenge but with my close friends and their families I had built quite a happy and fulfilling life. It seemed to be possible I could have all of this and some romantic interests as more mutual caring, fun but ultimately not deep encounters. Sometimes ending badly but also possibly ending as good friends where they often thought I had helped them learn about themselves. That was a nice feeling, perhaps enough?
Very recently a few things conspired into a very challenging couple of days. There was drama and emotion in many friends. Never centred on my actions but I was there with them and unable to affect change as it was not my life and often I could not understand why they were behaving the way they were.
Very late at night after spending more than 36 hours awake with people listening, supporting and trying to distract them I was at a very low point. It had taken a lot as they were my closest people so I had turned on used all of my learned skill and effort to try to be there for them. It truly exhausted me and left me feeling Empty. I resorted to my normal behaviour of shutting out the world for a while and resting my mind. It wasn't enough, I had learnt that I did crave intimacy over recent years and not at the shallower end.
The result was a not planned or thought through visit to a local massage parlour, or brothel, I was not certain. It was a high end establishment but certainly a strange experience for me. I managed to appear outwardly confident but was quite uncomfortable.
I knew that I would not want to sleep with the woman or any sexually focused closeness. I was so much in need of simple human touch which was not ruined by my previous show of being so happy to lucky. In hindsight this was actually quite silly as how could I expect that in this situation.
A woman I met and chatted to seemed to make me start to feel easier and begin to relax so I decided to spend some time with her. For hours we discussed many topics and I became to feel very relaxed. We started to come closer physically but never naked. It wouldn't feel right to me anyway but it was even less desirable in my mind as she seemed to be seen differently by me. The human touch and honesty between us was almost feeling intoxicatingly.
That's when I sat up and we caught each other's eyes, only a hands length away from each other. It seemed correct in some way, we were stopped there for who knows how long, maybe a minute, maybe two, maybe more. It affected me and I wondered did it her? The problem was then that I am not silly and I was possibly being made to feel this before I realised how silly that was. I am extremely head strong and very aware of my thoughts but at the same time I could not read her emotions or intelligence. Suddenly I was immensely self conscious and uncertain. Almost shy. This was out of character as the version of me I had learned to present to the world and especially women was always confident. I think maybe she picked this up and somehow managed to pull me back to her without making me run for the hills. In the silence that followed I found a peace it seemed, calmed down and slipped back towards that feeling of connection we had.
A few times after that at key points in conversation we met eyes again and it began to feel very important. As I prepared to leave I was actually starting to feel nervous. I knew how much this time had affected me and it was not physically based or because I wanted anything, even that feeling of making her feel better. It had shown me a glimpse it seemed of that thing I knew I had missed previously, that void I had thought I could accept that would not be filled.
I actually started to feel terrified, if I had got this wrong and likely I had them potential for real damage to myself was high. I could not just leave though. So I awkwardly tried to explain myself somehow. Stumbled around it and said some silly things. Essentially how could that have happened in this situation and how could I blindly place my trust in her. I asked anyway... could I please take her on a date.
She looked straight back at me and holding my eyes fiercely it seemed told me that would be really lovely.
Swapping numbers and real full names we have been chatting since and it seems to be genuine.
The eye contact is literally the only reason I asked and this could be wonderful. We literally met under the most difficult situation I could ever find myself in. I still have moments of worry about being manipulated but I squash them as I would never offer anything other than time to spend together and know each other. Somehow it I feel I know we are both genuine because of that eye contact. Each of us have somehow suspended our normal fears and defences for the other person.
I do not know how it ends but I do know that for the first time possibly in the least likely of situations I may be truly attempting to find that intimacy. It may end badly, probably likely given her disbelief that I don't care how we met and want to know the real person. Plus my truly sceptical understanding of many relationships at first plus the true feeling of terror if it ends badly.
I will not walk away from the chance though that maybe we beat those things and someone like me who never understood empathy and often feels like I am so different in thought and emotion no one could cope, maybe I could find out what that true intimacy is. Feeling loved even in the absence of of personal perspective and understanding.
It seems all of this is being driven by looking into each other's eyes deeply. First time for me. For her I have no clue and no idea if I will find out. Blind trust inspired by eyes. It would certainly be the least likely scenario I could have ever imagined.
15 May 2016, 1:38 pm
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