Being nice

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Are any other women here just nice/civil nearly 90% of the time?

I work with women and I find them to be bitchy and passive aggressive, it doesn't mater what their orientation is either (or background etc), the handful of men in work also become bitchy and passive aggressive, its necessary.

I think the arguing between women in this section reminds me of how much I would like to fit in, but don't. I can argue when needs be but I would really rather not have to, why are women predisposed to being snippy? I put my foot in my mouth umpteen times each week and have to backtrack and apologise, is this me being snippy? Why are comments always taken in the worst possible way? Where is the balance?

The short answer is: women are socially conditioned to be "snippy" or "catty" with each other. Boys hit, but it's not ladylike to hit (or be overtly verbally aggressive) so girls attack each other with words.

I feel the same way, hence my signature. I do think, that in terms of the spectrum, men are no different than women. Nitpicking seems to be an Autism trait, as is not knowing when to let things go. I like the quote "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to."

I won't engage in conflict unless something is really important to me. I guess that comes from living with my mother.

I never understood all the drama that goes on between girls.

^I'm the same. It's like I'm from another planet when I'm at school.

I'm just a little kitty who loves everyone.

I guess im feeling browned off about some of my recent interactions, and am probably a bit cynical about it at the moment. To be fair Ive known plenty of decent women, there just aren't too many of them in my life right now.
Its tiring walking on eggshells and trying to preempt the inevitable backstabbing, by taking the correct action to avoid/minimise the consequences.

I feel like posting the navy seal copypasta in response to this, but I shan't.

It's the Internet and on the Internet people are jerks 99.99999% of the time. It's easy to be a jerk when you are hiding behind a keyboard because the social circumstances of doing so aren't as costly as it is among people in your community.

As for day to day interactions, well I personally don't know a lot of bitchy women. I don't participate in any girly drama nor do I find myself getting caught in other people's drama. Maybe it is because of the people I associate with and being fortunate enough to not be dragged into a toxic environment. I don't mind some conflict, but people that just try to start drama for it's own sake are boring and aren't worth my time.

As for being nice or mean, I do try to be nice whenever I can but that doesn't mean I will be pushed around. I come from a major city so I know how important having an aura of meanness is to getting by. Being a jerk can be a virtue.

People sometimes say I'm too nice. I don't argue or say rude things; I just smile and nod and go along with whatever other people want. People often use me for venting about their interpersonal conflicts.

I just don't see the point in being overdramatic all the time; it's too stressful.

I don't think it is about social conditioning, not all nor even most women seem to choose that contentious mode. There are a lot of women who are not "catty" (most of the women I know) and what is catty anyway? Some men engage in 'catty' behaviour too - backbiting, gossiping, sniping and sneering. My best guess is that these behaviours have more to do with power, power relations (and perhaps a sense of powerlessness). Resentments are perhaps there as a driving force too..

Power eh, its nearly always power! Yeah I am jaded with it all and as such am not balanced in my views atm, I have an abundance of women that I interact with, but very few I choose to interact with, if I could choose I would interact with almost none of them, its impacting on my perception of women.

The ones that I had a genuine friendship with are gone, but that was my own doing, such is life. I need more free time in the evenings to go out and meet people that I choose to interact with. My work has taken over my life, with no room for the things I need to be well.

~~~~~~~~~~~

If the cattiness is related to power and resentment, what are the healthy ways of dealing with it?

I think it is the work environment rather than the gender of the co-workers that is at play. I have yet to be in one that didn't encourage power struggles and the ensuing resentfulness and spiteful behaviour.

How do you deal with those situations in work?

Amity, re your positive response question:

presumably these aggressive behaviours are intended to meet the aggressor's needs at the expense of yours, and the way they seek to hook in targets tend to follow predictable patterns. They attack, you defend, so they attack your defence, they twist what you say and try and use it to make you look unreasonable, and on and on, and (just as predictably) the targets become upset (and then may even derided by the attacker for that, too - typically in the form of something disingenuous like "hey, what are you upset about?" (Implying your upset is unreasonable). "I was only expressing my opinion! Don't I have a right to my opinion?" (Expressing feigned innocence and no responsibility for the situation). Their gain from these transactions is presumably to wear a target down to prove to themselves that they can have power over others..

So if you must engage at all, maybe try to limit that to briefly naming the behaviour and/or conveying its hurtfulness - this can be something like saying "ouch", and then removing yourself from their range, or refusing to engage any further with them, if that's possible.

If they realise you are withdrawing permanently from interaction with them, (because the interaction is based on "a racket") they may try and target you more intensely for a while, though this tends to stop when they find that the escalation doesn't deliver them any further pay-off.

"Rackets" is a term used in transactional analysis theory - basically rackets are communication games set up by player one to get a pay-off at player two's expense.