Feeling frustrated with limitations

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Yesterday, I had a meltdown. I've had meltdowns before, obviously, but the older I've gotten (I'm 35 now.), the less frequent and severe they've gotten. Yesterday's meltdown was set off by my things not being where I expected and needed them to be. But, of course, the meltdown wasn't really about that, it was about a lot of other things, including expecting too much of myself and not allowing myself downtime between commitments. I need that downtime, or else I have meltdown episodes. Here's the real thing I want to talk about, though. My underlying issues have to do with trying to do too much. When I told my husband that I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, he said, "You need to stop trying to be superwoman." The thing is, I don't feel like I've been trying to be superwoman at all. I've just been struggling with being mediocre at basic life and functioning. Like, taking my kids to their activities, trying to keep the house not disgusting, etc. It makes me really frustrated and angry that I honestly *can't* do all the things I want to do. I don't understand why I can only care about one thing at a time. Meaning, I can be an amazing housekeeper, but then, that's what gets my hyperfocus and that's what I do. Or, I can be an amazingly creative person who churns out beautiful art, but then that's what gets my hyperfocus and that's what I do. By default, everything else gets none of my attention and starts to fall apart. It's so frustrating that there's no middle ground. I want to be able to keep up with more than one thing at a time and not have everything else get lost in the background. I want to be able to do all the things I want to do, and I'm not even talking about special things, just day to day functioning. It's really frustrating that wanting it so badly isn't enough to make it happen. Doubly frustrating is the fact that I'm literally a genius, but I can't do basic life things that other people seem to manage effortlessly. I was hoping maybe others could relate?

Last edited by thebrilliantchameleon on 09 Jun 2016, 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome to WP. I can certainly understand your frustration. It is very difficult and discouraging to feel this way. If you would like, I have a suggestion that might help you. You might want to write a routine chart and put it on the wall, like Supernanny does for the families that she works with. And use a timer with an alarm. You can schedule out all the things you want to do and then that will give you the ability to hyperfocus on each of then without taking away from the others. When the timer dings, it is time for you to move to the next thing and you can hyperfocus on that until it dings again. And you can have different schedules for different days so that you get everything done. That way you won't over stress yourself, and you can work with your limitations and make them work for you. And make your goals smaller, not less, just smaller.

Like I am working on organizing our closet. I work on one section at a time so that I don't get over whelmed. So today, I will spend one hour doing this shelf. And that is all I will do in the closet today. I have met my goal and I can do something else now. Tomorrow I will spend an hour doing that shelf. And once I have a place for everything, everything must go back into that place. So if I wear a shirt, after I wash it it goes back where it belongs so the closet stays organized. If all your goals are too big you won't get any of them done. If they are smaller and more precise, you will be amazed at what gets done and how quickly it gets done.

Last edited by skibum on 09 Jun 2016, 11:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

I avoid this by saying no more often. No more trying to do 120%

I agree. When you need to say no, you need to say no. Think of that as medicinal not social. Thinking of it as a kind of medication to keep you alive and healthy will enable you to say it without feeling bad about saying it. Like people who have strong respiratory issues don't feel bad when they say no, they can't participate in this certain activity. The issues with Autism have physical consequences for the brain and body. So saying no is like a person with severe asthma saying, no, I can't run that track race. There is nothing wrong or selfish about that.

Thank you for the welcome. Your suggestions *sound* like workable strategies, but the reality is that, for me, they are not. Meaning, I do have a routine and I schedule everything that isn't everday routine in my calendar or it wouldn't happen. I rely on it a lot. My hyperfocus does not work like what you describe, though, and I cannot shift my attention in the way you describe. The way this would work, for me, is that I would focus completely on making up the schedule and then quickly become overwhelmed by it and get very upset when I something caused me to have to deviate from the schedule/routine. In addition, what I mean is, for a week at a time, my attention may be caught by something like housework, or writing, or whatever, maybe even for a month, and that's what I can do well during that period. I almost cannot even force myself to do other things. :-/

Logically, I do recognize this, but when it comes to agreeing to do things, they each seem so simple that I feel like saying no is sort of ridiculous. Does that make sense? Like, I think I'm capable of handling more than I am because it's deceptively simple stuff. Run this errand, take this kid to this event, stop in for this event, etc. In my head, I think I'm perfectly capable of doing all these hings, and I get upset and frustrated when it becomes apparent that I'm not. But, I don't know how to recognize and plan accordingly beforehand. :-/

I 100% understand how you feel. I know I'm smart and a capable human being but I can barely keep enough energy to clean regularly (let alone the zillion other things I need/want to do) with my somewhat low stress full time job. I think I have the same tendency to focus on only one thing at a time as well, which is great sometimes but I loose interest in things so quickly.

I wish there was a simple solution

Lately I'm trying to take things slowly, break tasks down, and write a lot of ideas down. It's a start =/

It's so frustrating because I genuinely feel that these things are almost second nature for most people. My husband says that I just don't see other people struggle, so I have a warped perception. I don't know if that is true. Maybe it is, but I feel like most people that I know are not overwhelmed by having more than one thing that they must focus on. For example, many people I know keep a clean house while raising children, and going to school or working at the same time, and everyone appears to be thriving. They show up to activities looking as though they had time to put some effort into their appearance, and they genuinely enjoy interacting with one another. Of course social interaction is a challenge. I have to work at figuring out the "right" things to say and do. That part is always exhausting, so I expect that. But, I feel like the rest of it shouldn't be so challenging, and it is. :-/ I think that I thought my diagnosis would help me to cope somehow. Like, having an answer for WHY I am the way I am, would help me to "fix" it. As a result, I've been expecting things to get easier and they haven't.

Some people do enjoy dressing up and socializing--while others would prefer to be by themselves eating ice cream--or doing a drawing of a flower in the garden.

Can I relate? Wow, can I. First off, I'm self-diagnosed, but I've done extensive research, and my goal is to seek out professional help by the end of the summer - too many things going on in life at the moment for me to add that to the list.

Anyway I'm 32. I have an IQ that puts me in the highly gifted, eligible for mensa range. In high school I got straight A's. College was more of a challenge, but not because I didn't get the material. My point being, I'm really smart. So... to paraphrase you, why is the simple act of living so difficult?

A couple years back, I was a lead at my full time job. I supervised a team, was responsible for sales metrics and productivity, organized projects, and did various other managerial things. And I was actually quite good at it. But my home life suffered. A lot. By the end of my shift I was spent. All I wanted to do was retreat into my bedroom, or maybe into a video game or book, and be left alone. I had frequent meltdowns where I would lose my temper (sometimes violently) over little things, or retreat into my own head. My co-workers in similar positions were able to go home, be attentive spouses and parents, keep up on housework, and even have a social life. I could do none of those things. And this wasn't the first time this had happened. I would do really well in one or two areas of my life but only by neglecting the rest.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to step down from management and go part time. But it's still difficult juggling that job with housework, taking my step-daughter to school and other activities, paying bills and so on. Right now we're moving to a new apartment, and I had to take two weeks off work just to be able to pack and prepare.

Anyway, your post really resonates with me. Like you said, I don't want to be superwoman. I just want to be able to fulfill my daily responsibilities. And have enough of me left over to draw again. Or maybe make some friends and go out once in a while. Things other people, some less intelligent and generally competent than myself, seem to be able to do just fine.

Why?. Usually a combination of multitasking when you are poor at it, unexpected change, sensery overload for starters.

Many on the spectrum have found the spoon theory a good explanation.
Wikipedia Article. The Spoon Theory

The basic premise of spoon theory is that instead of accurately trying to assess the impact of everything--one just maintains a simple count. Just like card counting--instead of being a savant who can actually memorize every card--one just remembers a simple count--something that many NTs can be trained to do.