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Is it even realistic to expect a relationship?

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DrManhattan
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13 Jun 2016, 6:21 am

I'm a 39 year old hetero male single and look alright but:

-don't want children. Never felt the desire. Even if having children would not be exhausting, I'd feel no urge;
-have nerdy interests like sci fi, games and philosophy, or other topics unpopular with women;
-like to be alone from time to time, LAT seems like a good solution;
-am not a very good salesman or enthusiastic fast talker, more of a thinker, I can interact adequately socially but feel stuck at the surface too often because people don't want to talk about deep stuff too much it tires them. I have never been diagnosed and am certainly not sure about having Aspergers, but recognize the sensitivity, the need for solitude and the social barriers;
-am fed up with dating sites because I don't meet the women I want to meet there and they make me feel invisible and miserable;
-never had a real sexual relationship, I had something for 2 years, living together but more like friendship'
-am chaotic and not very focused on goals when it comes to talking to women, the opposite of Casanova in a way, going with the flow, whatever comes up in my head (sometimes a lot) instead of taking control. I think I may have (light?) ADD.
-it also takes time for me to get interested in a woman, it's not something that happens every week like it seems with most guys that just chase anything with a pretty face and I feel I should be like them more because I'm slowly going nowhere. But feel I don't really want or can't change too much...like I'm a turtle that can't turn into a rabbit, even though they get all the action.


How good are my odds? If you would rate it? I meet plenty of women and am slowly growing in my interactions. I'm not nearly fast or proactive enough in pursuing more than just conversation. But most of them want children, over 90%. Even the ones over 40 years old still believe in it. I'm OK with a "MILF" if her children are not too young. Preference is still childless though as it would consume less time and energy to get between us.

Lately I got the feeling I should lie that I don't know if I want children in the future. To have a sporting chance. A lot of guys that were lucky to find a woman that doesn't want children, kept it vague until after a couple of years. But I'm pretty darn sure I never want kids and women around 40 years old are quick to jump to the question and will sense if I'm deliberately vague, that I'm obviously not too enthusiastic about kids. Not that I hate children in the least (perhaps I hate the way they are raised sometimes but that's something different...).

It's been blighting my life, being single for so long. I'm strong but feel I'm slowly going crazy. I see so little options since I find dating sites so awful and while I enjoy more natural interactions and am very active going outdoors...almost always encounter women that want children (and sometimes very fast). And much younger girls I just find less interesting given my need for a certain depth. I feel I'm stuck...have some hope left but wonder what a realistic expectation would be.



izzeme
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13 Jun 2016, 7:04 am

Rather than using dating sites, try a relationship bureau.
These cost a bit of money, but they are better able to find someone for you, as they don't rely on automated algorithms, but use actual human interaction; they come to every applicant and have a (long) conversation about what this person wants.

As an added bonus, the price and (front-loaded) time investment mean that everyone in their files is serious



Bridgette77
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15 Jun 2016, 10:06 am

DrManhattan wrote:
I'm a 39 year old hetero male single and look alright but:

-don't want children. Never felt the desire. Even if having children would not be exhausting, I'd feel no urge;
-have nerdy interests like sci fi, games and philosophy, or other topics unpopular with women;
-like to be alone from time to time, LAT seems like a good solution;
-am not a very good salesman or enthusiastic fast talker, more of a thinker, I can interact adequately socially but feel stuck at the surface too often because people don't want to talk about deep stuff too much it tires them. I have never been diagnosed and am certainly not sure about having Aspergers, but recognize the sensitivity, the need for solitude and the social barriers;
-am fed up with dating sites because I don't meet the women I want to meet there and they make me feel invisible and miserable;
-never had a real sexual relationship, I had something for 2 years, living together but more like friendship'
-am chaotic and not very focused on goals when it comes to talking to women, the opposite of Casanova in a way, going with the flow, whatever comes up in my head (sometimes a lot) instead of taking control. I think I may have (light?) ADD.
-it also takes time for me to get interested in a woman, it's not something that happens every week like it seems with most guys that just chase anything with a pretty face and I feel I should be like them more because I'm slowly going nowhere. But feel I don't really want or can't change too much...like I'm a turtle that can't turn into a rabbit, even though they get all the action.


How good are my odds? If you would rate it? I meet plenty of women and am slowly growing in my interactions. I'm not nearly fast or proactive enough in pursuing more than just conversation. But most of them want children, over 90%. Even the ones over 40 years old still believe in it. I'm OK with a "MILF" if her children are not too young. Preference is still childless though as it would consume less time and energy to get between us.

Lately I got the feeling I should lie that I don't know if I want children in the future. To have a sporting chance. A lot of guys that were lucky to find a woman that doesn't want children, kept it vague until after a couple of years. But I'm pretty darn sure I never want kids and women around 40 years old are quick to jump to the question and will sense if I'm deliberately vague, that I'm obviously not too enthusiastic about kids. Not that I hate children in the least (perhaps I hate the way they are raised sometimes but that's something different...).

It's been blighting my life, being single for so long. I'm strong but feel I'm slowly going crazy. I see so little options since I find dating sites so awful and while I enjoy more natural interactions and am very active going outdoors...almost always encounter women that want children (and sometimes very fast). And much younger girls I just find less interesting given my need for a certain depth. I feel I'm stuck...have some hope left but wonder what a realistic expectation would be.


Don't give up hope! You are not the only one who's ever been there. Sometimes, it takes that one person who's out of the ordinary, to notice you, and decide you're someone special, that they can't live without. That's what happened with my Boyfriend and I. He being the Aspie, never having a relationship, then here come little ol' me, and I was going to persue him to the ends of the earth, if I had to. There are others out there like me who are not interested in, or who can't have any or anymore children, as in my case, and who are going to find you special, and want to share your interests, but remember, it should work both ways. I do hope this encourages you some.



DrManhattan
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17 Jun 2016, 9:21 am

Bridgette77 wrote:
[
Don't give up hope! You are not the only one who's ever been there. Sometimes, it takes that one person who's out of the ordinary, to notice you, and decide you're someone special, that they can't live without. That's what happened with my Boyfriend and I. He being the Aspie, never having a relationship, then here come little ol' me, and I was going to persue him to the ends of the earth, if I had to. There are others out there like me who are not interested in, or who can't have any or anymore children, as in my case, and who are going to find you special, and want to share your interests, but remember, it should work both ways. I do hope this encourages you some.


Thank you Bridgette. I am not without hope but could use some more! But I sincerely want to increase my chances. I've met so many women and so little were compatible. One was close...she seemed like an aspie woman lolz. She wanted children however, was considering at least still and there were other frictions. One would think, am I too critical but the heart wants what the heart wants, how do I change that...I know that ego can get in the way, wanting to keep things the same and keeping distance...at the same time getting too close (which I need to risk more) scares off people so it's always a messy affair, interactions.

But just practically, what can be done to meet more matches...already doing so much in terms of socializing at activities that interest me, for 2 years already...just be patient and have faith in the process is what you tell me I guess.



DrManhattan
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17 Jun 2016, 9:26 am

izzeme wrote:
Rather than using dating sites, try a relationship bureau.
These cost a bit of money, but they are better able to find someone for you, as they don't rely on automated algorithms, but use actual human interaction; they come to every applicant and have a (long) conversation about what this person wants.

As an added bonus, the price and (front-loaded) time investment mean that everyone in their files is serious


I didn't know that people still did this...I know that many people get disappointed with this sort of thing but also expect too much. May as well try this.



Bridgette77
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21 Jun 2016, 12:32 am

DrManhattan wrote:
Bridgette77 wrote:
[
Don't give up hope! You are not the only one who's ever been there. Sometimes, it takes that one person who's out of the ordinary, to notice you, and decide you're someone special, that they can't live without. That's what happened with my Boyfriend and I. He being the Aspie, never having a relationship, then here come little ol' me, and I was going to persue him to the ends of the earth, if I had to. There are others out there like me who are not interested in, or who can't have any or anymore children, as in my case, and who are going to find you special, and want to share your interests, but remember, it should work both ways. I do hope this encourages you some.


Thank you Bridgette. I am not without hope but could use some more! But I sincerely want to increase my chances. I've met so many women and so little were compatible. One was close...she seemed like an aspie woman lolz. She wanted children however, was considering at least still and there were other frictions. One would think, am I too critical but the heart wants what the heart wants, how do I change that...

You can't, really, otherwise, you end up settling for less. You end up very unhappy that way. I learned that.

I know that ego can get in the way, wanting to keep things the same and keeping distance...at the same time getting too close (which I need to risk more) scares off people so it's always a messy affair, interactions.

aaah, the happy medium, and how to find it. I often struggled with that, and still do. The only thing I can say is, be yourself, and try to take things slow, with whomever you do meet. I wish I had more answers on this one, but I too struggle here.

But just practically, what can be done to meet more matches...already doing so much in terms of socializing at activities that interest me, for 2 years already...just be patient and have faith in the process is what you tell me I guess.


Unfortunately, that's all you can do. Sometimes, you run across a lot of bad apples before you finally find a good one. I do wish you all the best of luck my friend. Just don't give up! It will all happen when you least expect it, and perhaps, in the strangest way. Life has a way of surprising us all!



annarosy
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29 Jun 2016, 2:30 am

I do not understand why you do not like to have children, the children are very cute and it is the desire of most women, why not change your perspective? I think it's hard for you to find the right person



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29 Jun 2016, 7:08 am

You might consider dating women around 10 years older than you. Then it becomes much easier to find women who have decided they don't want to have children--and changing their mind isn't really an option.



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29 Jun 2016, 7:09 am

annarosy wrote:
I do not understand why you do not like to have children, the children are very cute and it is the desire of most women, why not change your perspective? I think it's hard for you to find the right person


Because they run around and scream and many aspies have sensory issues with sound. Cuteness is highly subjective and does not really help against something that sounds as horrible like an out of tune electric guitar played by an tone deaf person with an industrial drill doing backup singing.


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DrManhattan
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29 Jun 2016, 11:12 am

annarosy wrote:
I do not understand why you do not like to have children, the children are very cute and it is the desire of most women, why not change your perspective? I think it's hard for you to find the right person


The heart wants what the heart wants. You cannot change it by making it want something else. I've never found children cute. I find older children more interesting because they're more developed and independant. A MILF with older children is a better option for me.

That said, I prefer to keep an open mind, I can't see the future. All I know is that I have never, ever felt the desire to have children. I intend to be more careful saying it however. Because I might develop the feeling if I find somebody wonderful for the first time in my life.



DrManhattan
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29 Jun 2016, 11:21 am

BTDT wrote:
You might consider dating women around 10 years older than you. Then it becomes much easier to find women who have decided they don't want to have children--and changing their mind isn't really an option.


I already do include these women in the "pawn". I roughly have this bandwidth of 10 years maximum age difference which is not a rule of thumb though, arbitrary. I'm not going to be a hypocrite, looks do matter, amongst other.

With online dating I've tried to meet older women, with little success. I met some that turned out to be too unattractive for me. Some women age gracefully, some lose their beauty (for instance by becoming fatter). Some older women want an older man. Others don't see me as their type or have one of the other 100 reasons to reject or ignore me.



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29 Jun 2016, 11:33 am

DrManhattan wrote:
BTDT wrote:
You might consider dating women around 10 years older than you. Then it becomes much easier to find women who have decided they don't want to have children--and changing their mind isn't really an option.


I already do include these women in the "pawn". I roughly have this bandwidth of 10 years maximum age difference which is not a rule of thumb though, arbitrary. I'm not going to be a hypocrite, looks do matter, amongst other.

With online dating I've tried to meet older women, with little success. I met some that turned out to be too unattractive for me. Some women age gracefully, some lose their beauty (for instance by becoming fatter). Some older women want an older man. Others don't see me as their type or have one of the other 100 reasons to reject or ignore me.


Yah. I thought as much. Often, men overestimate how good looking they are. And they don't understand that all those things that women do to make themselves "attractive" take a lot of work. Women who are into "deep" conversation, don't tend to take all that time primping for men. (It happens, but its rare.) So, you're putting yourself in a double bind. You want a certain kind of woman, but you are looking only at women who put on social airs that specifically tell the world that they aren't into what you are into.

There are plenty of women who are into sci-fi, real conversation, and would be happy to give you space. But you might need to get beyond your current idea of what you find "attractive" to start seeing them. They aren't going to be putting themselves on display for you. There are also plenty of women who have no desire to have children. Again, these women are less likely to be putting on dating "battle gear." They aren't really on the hunt for a good husband before their eggs dry up, so they don't focus so intensely on their looks. This is a GOOD thing. They aren't superficial.



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29 Jun 2016, 11:48 am

Older pretty women want a social lifestyle that is incompatible with most Aspies--spending the time and money to look good is well worth the expense when shopping, traveling, and eating out at fine restaurants--people who look good get better service.



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29 Jun 2016, 1:13 pm

BTDT wrote:
Older pretty women want a social lifestyle that is incompatible with most Aspies--spending the time and money to look good is well worth the expense when shopping, traveling, and eating out at fine restaurants--people who look good get better service.


Yah, but it gets you nothing at comic con.

You're right. Society treats women who primp better. But that's not what the OP is looking for. He said he wants a quality mate who is able to be a partner with his quirky back-side.



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29 Jun 2016, 1:26 pm

http://thefinancialdiet.com/11-women-on ... ooks-like/
A quick read suggests a consensus of about $100/month for beauty products alone.



DrManhattan
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29 Jun 2016, 3:00 pm

somanyspoons wrote:
DrManhattan wrote:
BTDT wrote:
You might consider dating women around 10 years older than you. Then it becomes much easier to find women who have decided they don't want to have children--and changing their mind isn't really an option.


I already do include these women in the "pawn". I roughly have this bandwidth of 10 years maximum age difference which is not a rule of thumb though, arbitrary. I'm not going to be a hypocrite, looks do matter, amongst other.

With online dating I've tried to meet older women, with little success. I met some that turned out to be too unattractive for me. Some women age gracefully, some lose their beauty (for instance by becoming fatter). Some older women want an older man. Others don't see me as their type or have one of the other 100 reasons to reject or ignore me.


Yah. I thought as much. Often, men overestimate how good looking they are. And they don't understand that all those things that women do to make themselves "attractive" take a lot of work. Women who are into "deep" conversation, don't tend to take all that time primping for men. (It happens, but its rare.) So, you're putting yourself in a double bind. You want a certain kind of woman, but you are looking only at women who put on social airs that specifically tell the world that they aren't into what you are into.

There are plenty of women who are into sci-fi, real conversation, and would be happy to give you space. But you might need to get beyond your current idea of what you find "attractive" to start seeing them. They aren't going to be putting themselves on display for you. There are also plenty of women who have no desire to have children. Again, these women are less likely to be putting on dating "battle gear." They aren't really on the hunt for a good husband before their eggs dry up, so they don't focus so intensely on their looks. This is a GOOD thing. They aren't superficial.


There are not nearly enough women into sci-fi to my taste. It does depend on where you are too. I couldn't believe what I saw when I was in the Forbidden Planet store in London, so many girls by themselves.

Women into real conversation however, there are considerably more.

Ultimately I don't really care all that much if they like sci fi, it's just shows and movies, passive stuff. I do know some girls with those interests but we don't connect emotionally and/or physically.

You're making a good point here about good looks, worth contemplating. However, I like natural, 0 makeup types the most and simply want an equal in terms of good looks, you say men overestimate theirs, perhaps. I did throw myself into a relationship with a girl I didn't find attractive enough 2 years ago, out of loneliness. I learned a lot from that, that I do need to consider looks more, I do need to find someone I would sleep with. That would definitely not have to be a person that spends a lot of time on her looks. But I found out I'm not into fat girls, maybe because I'm thin myself. I did plenty of "downdating" online that didn't work at all...