Does he love me enough

Post Reply New Topic

For 2 years I have a relationship with a beautiful man. I myself am diagnosed, he is not, he does not want to. He seems to be struggling more than me though. Before I met him I have been married for 20 years. I did not leave my husband for him, the marriage had already stopped.
He is 8 years younger than I am.
He is 35 now. He had a lot of girlfriends, some for years, but never lived together with any of them. Before me he was single for 3 years.
He never said he loves me, but he says he likes me. He never calls or texts me, because he does not like that because it takes him too long to find the right words or a reason to call. I suggested he just send a smiley sometimes, so I know he is still in the relationship. But he also does not call his friends or family. He does love his family. His family is very warm and friendly. His mom told me that all the time his girlfriends wanted more commitment the relationship ended.
He can spend nights coding until dawn. Often then he is late for work, but he is forgiven because he is very good at his work. When is busy like that he does not contact me. When I stop contact, he will call and make some effort after a week or so.
When we are together everything is perfect. We never had an argument. When something is bothering me we talk. But he never seems to talk about something bothering him, or he just is not bothered. Also the physical part of our relationship is very satisfying.
He seems to see me as good wife material, he says he likes being with me and spending more time together. He hopes living with me will make him more healthy because I like to cook, and have a more healthy lifestyle.
I just rented a house with a garden, I used to rent a small apartment. He helps me a lot with painting, the garden and those kind of things, he is super handy! He will spend more time at my place then and we want to slowly try living together.
But but he wants some time alone because he is getting exhausted. I wonder why he cannot relax when he is with me. We do not see each other that often. Well every day at work, but then we ignore each other, because we do not like coworkers interfering with us. I wonder if our relationship getting more serious is causing his stress. He says it is work.
I love this man a lot. But I am getting exhausted also, because I do not know if he loves me enough. I am tired of sleeping alone most nights. I feel like i get just enough love not to die, but not enough to live on. Because of this I am getting more and more tired each day.
On a NT-forum this would probably be a just-not-that-into-you, but is it?

Ah...a classic tale!

The cold man, the woman who feels the coldness.

I feel for you. But he is what he is; and he doesn't seem to want to change.

He might feel that he might "ruin things" if he sees you more often. He might just like the freedom he enjoys now.

I'm married. I wish I wasn't married, to tell you the truth. I feel lots of obligations because I am married.

Maybe he just doesn't want to feel obligated. He wants to be autonomous.

Yep...the classic tale. The woman who craves closeness; the man who craves independence.

I do feel for you. I hope things improve between you two. But you can't force it; otherwise, the ballgame is over.

He is not cold when we are together. That is confusing.

I would be the exact same way---because I know that I am free when I need to be.

You are nice to allow him this much space; and he appreciates it.

It would be a different story if you started placing more demands on him.

I know it's hard. You feel like you want more out of him. You want more intimacy from him. You feel like what's fair is fair. And I would agree with you. You want satisfaction just like he wants satisfaction.

Probably, the only way for you to get satisfaction is to gently let him know that you want more out of the relationship. And to say, in a nice way, "what's fair is fair."

It's really the classic tale between man and woman--whether Aspie or Neurotypical.

I do not want to change him. I only want to know if he loves me enough to invest my heart in him for more years. Is it the asp that causes him not to be able to spend more time and attention or is he just not that into me? Although he wants to marry me. Maybe for the wrong reasons?

I think he's probably "into you."

But on his own terms.

He seems like he's quite a bit "into you."

Word to the wise. Get another job. One of you. Don't work together. Me and my wife had, what at one time seemed like a bulletproof marriage. After having three different jobs together over the course of 5 years, she had way too much of me.

Even if you think you're ignoring each other, it's probably too much. I'd advise any couple working together no matter how strong you think the relationship is. If you want to keep it strong, stop working with each other.

I mean, if he can regularly go a week without talking to you, or even several days, and you aren't that way, it seems like that's going to need to be smoothed out somehow if you guys are to get married and have it last. Since you sound to be bothered by that distance, not even texting or anything, (which to me seems unfathomable especially if you're explicitly asked to) is going to wear on you. There's also a good chance, if left unchecked, that distance could become further apart. You can't assume living together will mean closer. It may be in physical proximity, but not guaranteed to be in a relationship. Especially if he needs a lot of space. You will need to be able to discuss these things openly and both be willing to compromise in my opinion. He will need to oblige you in small matters. Rigidity will kill a long term relationship because people change and wants, needs, coping mechanisms all change over time. If someone is too rigid, life's changes MAY cause them to grow apart because of their inability to adapt to the dynamic of two people sharing their lives together for years. If you're feeling neglected now, I don't know that you should expect it to be fixed just by living together.

I also, personally get concerned when I hear couples don't ever fight. It sounds real nice, but most long term marriages I've known have seen it's fair share of big fights and loud disagreements. When my marriage was good, we had a handful. Things were aired out. Things that needed to change got worked on. We move on. When it was bad, no fights at all. It is a good gauge of someone's intensity in the relationship, but not necessarily interest. People just have a wide rage of capacities of expressing love and connection-- some, even if they feel them deeply cannot express them clearly. Or don't have as big a need for intense emotional connections at all. Or even still, are very intimidated by intense emotional connections.

I don't say this at all to discourage you. I could also be completely wrong about all of it. However I would think it wise to consider this and maintain what you've said is very good and open communication.

You may want to consider, if living together, having separate bedrooms first. That may transition him into the idea of living with you better, and you can still sleep together sometimes. But he may feel better to also have 'his own space' if he feels he needs a break for a night.

I'd say it's possible that he loves you a lot.

That man sounds a whole lot like me, and how I'd probably act if I was in his situation and had a girl that I was very much into. I can often be the same way. I've stayed up all night coding a few times instead of replying to someone's email or texts. When I'm texting someone who I have a crush on, I can spend up to half an hour editing my texts so that they're just right, even though it probably doesn't matter that much. No matter how much I love the person I'm with, a social situation is a social situation, and it is extremely difficult to relax. Thus I'd need some alone time. It's very different when I'm with someone who I live with like my parents versus someone who I don't live with. I guess ask him how he feels about you and maybe he'll give you a direct, honest answer.

I've only dated a few girls in my life and never had any serious relationship come out of it, so I don't know how good this advice is.

A NT perspective for what it's worth - I have read and read to understand my friend and as I understand it there are certain things within a relationship we are just not going to get. This is due to our neuro differences and not because someone doesn't care or want to be with you (as I understand it) the best advice seems to be to make sure you have a lot of good friends around you, and use them to,fill the gaps. Go do,your own thing, spend time having fun when your man needs his alone time and go back full of stories and good humour rather than feeling low and despondent from waiting for him and feeling that his withdrawal means he does not care. It is different and therefore we have to change our expectations. In the same way tho I do feel compromise works both ways. Eg I ask for a good morning and good night text. If only so I know he is safe. So I don't think it's unrealistic for you to ask for at least one text a day. But we are all individuals and it takes a bit of working out what works for both of you. Take care now

senseless guy i wont be able to be with him for one week also

just not my type, so unloving, uncaring, unromantic and unavailable