ASD Stepson Makes Me Uncomfortable

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I recently married "Jeff" after dating for 2 years. Jeff's son "Chris" lives with us full-time. He just turned 18 and is about to start his senior year of high school.

Chris is what would be considered high functioning in a lot of ways. He does well in school, has good manners, and does his chores without too many reminders. Jeff and I do get frustrated with him for his lack of hygiene and other issues like being so focused on himself and what is right in front of him. However, the big issue is causing me a lot of anxiety.

About 2 months ago, Chris went upstairs to do his laundry (it's located right next to our master bedroom). He was up there for a while when Jeff told him to come downstairs. Privately Jeff questioned Chris about what he was doing. Chris admitted he had been masturbating in our bed/bathroom!! Ever since then, I feel very uncomfortable being close to Chris. We just returned from a family vacation, and I had a hard time acting normal around Chris because I was feeling creeped out the whole 5 days!

I don't want to feel this way about him! Can anyone help me with this situation?

Thank you!

Heheh, he sure is honest. ^^

I would say just try to stop thinking about it. Well, maybe you're already trying that... It's in the past, so why should it matter now? You'll probably get past it eventually. ^^

Wow, I don't think I would even be able to admit that!
Masturbation is a normal thing, and the majority of men who aren't in relationships do it regularly, so I wouldn't get freaked out about it.

I'm just going to admit that this is another one of those step-parent posts that frustrate me. Another person who didn't bother to learn about ASD while she was dating the dad, and now is confused and upset and wants to know how to fix things because she's "creeped out".
*sigh*
I can't even.

Yeah. Honestly, I think you need to have a talk with your husband. I mean, is this a typical behavior for him? I ask this because, yes, it is completely possible he doesn't care where he is as long as it is a private space, and he isn't thinking about it as not being his personal space. Bathrooms are often shared and it is a common location for this particular activity. Unless he has been corrected about it in the past it is very possible he feels like as long as no one sees him do it and he cleans after himself, it is alright. He may view all bedrooms as potential private activity area.

Is it possible there is something else going on and he is using your clothing items or something? (I am guessing that is what is creeping you out) It is possible, but really his dad is more likely to have insight if this is likely or not. If you are just creeped out because it your bedroom, I would try to think about how as long as things are cleaned up, it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. If you have been in hotels, the probably cleaned it less well, and who knows how many people's bodily secretions had been there.

I am not saying it should continue. He should be corrected and told what rooms are Ok for him to be doing that in, of course. But, I guess I don't look at it as such a terrible thing is because having a young autistic son, I could really see him not thinking it was an issue. In fact the next time the sex talk comes up, I think I will emphasize that his bathroom and bedroom are the places for that and not ours. We usually emphasized the private things should be done in private vs emphasizing where the private areas are. With autistic people being specific is best.

As far as the rest of it goes, autism includes the root "self", so you really need to expect that he is going to be focused on himself. Hygiene is also a very common issue because showers and other cleaning processes can be sensory nightmares.

I don't know how much research you did on autism before you got married, but there are some very common issues that crop up in even very high functioning autistic persons and his emotional/developmental age is likely to be younger than you think it is. Very high functioning might mean his real age is 2/3 of his actual age; so instead of an 18 year old, soon to be launched, he could very well be closer to a 12 year old in many ways.

You don't know what step son was doing. His father said masturbation.

He could have been

-trying on clothes
-trying make up/skin care products
-masturbating with another item
-plain old masturbating and needed some lotion

People spin stuff when embarrassed. Since you are not is bio mom, I can see dad sort spinning the truth.

People with ASD can have issues with personal space and social skills. Like a PP explained, he could be on a 12 year old level social skills wise. I can see a 12 year old hitting the master bathroom for a little me time, and not thinking about anything else.

His father needs to tell him that he can only do that in his bedroom. No other place in the house is appropriate. Bathrooms are a shared space, like the kitchen or living room.

At 18, your step son is a sexual being, and masturbation is part of it. Where an NT kid can read between the lines *you don't have quality time in your parent's master bathroom*, someone with ASD might need said to him point blank, "You can masturbated here and only here."

Have your husband go over the sex talk again (has he had that talk with his son?). Go over public/private spaces, age of consent, and no means no. The last thing you want is him getting caught masturbation somewhere else or chatting up a 13 year old.

Instead of spinning all of the above as creepy, spin it that it is a wake up call the son needs the sex talk revisited. Sex talk isn't just the act, but all things sexual.

If you really need some peace of mind, get a lock for your bedroom door. Many parents do that anyway with NT kids at home.

18 year old boys masturbate all day and all night. Every chance they get. This is not creepy behavior or autistic behavior. The only autistic thing that happened is that he admitted it. That's something no NT person would never do. An NT person would understand that you don't admit to doing something like that, even if everyone knows full well that you did do it.

How many of us have been called creepy for things that we didn't know would be creepy - because we have a disability, duh!

He's in his house. He's obeying the rule to only do that in private. He missed the unwritten rule to not do that in his step mother's space, but he has autism, not pervert-ism.

Yes, his dad needs to have a talk with him. There are a bunch of ways in which the rules change when the woman in the house isn't your mother. One of them is that you stay out the woman's bedroom at all times.
! Really, please, go talk to someone who can help you work out your own issues

*crickets*

I'm actually not all that afraid. My comments were only not helpful if she doesn't follow them. Which she might not. That's her choice. But I hope the pushback she's getting here will help her reconsider if she finds herself compelled to call autistic people "creepy" again, on a board that is meant to be a safe place for them.