I've been posting on this forum for a bit but not formally introduced myself until now.
I'm 26, was diagnosed with Asperger's aged 22 and have lived in denial about it until very recently accepting the diagnosis. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist whilst I was suffering from depression & (social) anxiety. At the time, the Adam Lanza school shootings were going through the media and so I felt freaked out by the diagnosis and really didn't want to be in the same category as him so deeply resented the diagnosis. I did everything to try and disprove that I had it, including pointing out my neat handwriting and average hand-eye coordination.
The reason I've lately accepted the diagnosis is due to meeting Aspies IRL (I prefer 'Aspie' to 'autistic' as I can't relate to people with low-functioning autism) and learning that it's not such a scary diagnosis after all. In retrospect, the diagnosis explains so much about my life. I did badly at school in relation to my potential. I have high IQ, fluently speak 3 languages and have a lot of general knowledge but my school grades were disappointing. Having read Tony Attwood's book, I now realise that this was due to difficulties concentrating caused by loud classmates. Neither me nor my teachers understood what the problem was so everyone, including me (even though I've always loved learning), thought I was simply lazy.
As a primary school child, I could get away with being weird without being bullied, but in secondary school I was bullied by adults and fellow children alike. So I put every effort into pretending to be normal, in an attempt to be accepted by the NTs. It never worked: no matter how hard I tried to be normal, I would invariably slip up and do or say something weird. At university I realised this and gave up trying and was paradoxically accepted by more NTs (I still failed to get on with the party-animal types, but made plenty of geeky NT friends). Passing as normal worked to my detriment because people would then come to assume that I was rude or moody or disorganised when I slipped up.
I suffered depression due to my inability to be like everyone else. I'd misinterpret social cues and do something socially inappropriate and, because I am intelligent, people would assume malice and shun me. My profuse apologies would fall on deaf ears. I lost friends and acquaintances, got a bad reputation at school and had family members - close and extended - say nasty things about me (I'm not good at greetings or making small talk and so at dinners they assumed I was impolite). It was always a case of me 'not trying hard enough', according to them. This led to me developing severe depression to the stage that I didn't see the point in going on.
I don't see Asperger's as an excuse - it's an explanation that has helped me realise that I'm not a failure. Considering that I am disabled, I've actually done well to finish university and hold down a stable 9-5 job. Being diagnosed is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I deal with social situations not by trying to mask my difference but by playing on it, as recommended by the Cynic philosophers in Ancient Greece.
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Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus
16 Jul 2016, 4:46 pm
