Sexual orientation confusion?

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Hi, I'm a 16 year old female and I'm so confused about my sexuality. I know I'm quite young, I meant to post this on the adolescent forum but I would like some advice from adult gay/bi people too. I've got mild asperger's, and I haven't been diagnosed as my therapist says it's not necessary for me but I'm getting treatment anyway. I get really intense anxiety, and I can't sleep many nights because I'm so worried about my sexuality. I'm not sure why I get so anxious because I know there is nothing wrong with being gay or bi.

I've struggled with this since I was 13, and I got turned on by my friend. That was when I rushed home and typed into google 'Am I bi?' because since then I'd never considered it and only got crushes on boys with butterflies, but I have always got turned on by girls without realising what it meant! One male crush was quite obsessive, and the rest I had in primary school. I think I had a crush on a girl as well in primary school, but I thought I just really admired her but I got a bit jealous over her and thought she was so pretty, I only realise that now.

I have come to terms with liking girls, and I get very turned on by them. One of my friends is going through the same thing which makes me feel more normal and accepted. However now I feel like I might be gay, because although I've always wanted a relationship with a boy whenever it gets close to happening I freak out and get really scared/anxious/uncomfortable. It frustrates me because I thought I found boys attractive, and if I'm in the street I'll look at attractive boys and girls.

With girls I don't get that uncomfortable feeling and it feels very natural, and with boys it's just the way I've always been and I'm very scared. My therapist thinks I'm bi, and part of me thinks I'm bi but part of me thinks I'm gay. My parents are very supportive of me no matter what, but for some reason, I'm really scared of being fully gay because I feel like my life has been a lie. I'm insecure of not liking boys and the thought of never having a boyfriend makes me sad but at the same time I just get so anxious when it could happen even if I think I really like them. I do find a lot of aspects of boys attractive, like their shoulders and their smiles and their hair. But this feeling won't go away, it keeps popping up even though sometimes I feel so attracted to boys and it doesn't make sense in my mind.

My therapist says I am attracted to boys but sometimes I exaggerate my feelings for them because I'm insecure, which is true. I like the idea of being with a girl too because it would be really comfortable and easy, it's just I worry my attraction to boys isn't genuine. The idea of kissing girls and stuff is great, and I know I'll probably enjoy it - but I feel like part of my identity has been taken away because I might be gay. The thought of kissing boys and sex is nice but it feels different and I worry when the time comes I might not like it.

Is it possible to be bi and strongly consider if you're gay, or do most people like me end up gay? How did you know you were bi/gay? I've also been googling this non stop and it's given me lots of mixed information which has made me more anxious!! Aaah!! Thank you so much for any replies!

I hope I haven't rambled too much, I love to write and I tend to write tons about anything and everything.

I think what you're feeling right now isn't that uncommon, and you're probably bi and not lesbian.

You probably find it easier to be attracted to girls, because girls are easier to relate to. You had mostly female friends as a child, and you're at the stage of your life where boys are still the mysterious "other." Just give it time, you'll warm up to 'em.

Thank you for your reply, that is exactly what my therapist said which is why she told me to talk to more boys. I think you may be right, but I know it may take time to know for sure.

Hi!! I think I can relate to what you are feeling. Since I was 10 more or less I knew that I felt attracted to men and didn't feel attracted to women, but even knowing it I didn't like to think about it because I wanted to be "normal". Then, when I was 14 and had already accepted my homosexuality, I had a crush on a female friend. It was really confusing.
All the time I was wondering if I really had a crush on her or if I just wanted to think because I couldn't accept that I was gay. Other times I wondered if I really was gay or if I just wanted to think that because I couldn't accept that I was in love with her (really confusing).
Finally, I concluded that I was bi, and even started to feel attracted in a sexual way to women. But once I stopped being in love with that friend (2 years ago more or less), I haven't fallen in love for any girl and I hardly ever feel sexually attracted to women, so my bisexuality is starting to feel like a lie.
Also, all my friends who know that I'm not straight (not many, truthfully) think of me as gay, even if I've never used that word and have told them of this.
I've only made out with someone twice, once with a guy and once with a girl, and I didn't either like or dislike any of them, so it wasn't very conclusive.
I don't know why this topic worries me so much, but it does. It's not that I don't want to like men (I really really like liking men, and I don't want to stop liking them at all) but it gives me a lot of anxiety not knowing if I like girls or not. I can imagine myself having sex with a girl and in my imagination it seems enjoyable, but I don't know if in real life it would, and the idea of dating a girl seems so wrong in my imagination, wrong is the only word to define what I feel when I think about it.
Sorry if I have rambled too much, I always do because if not I feel as if I'm not explaining myself fine. Hope you find this helpful!!

Hello there!

I think that what you're going through is very common for someone your age. It's possible for you to be bisexual and still prefer women more than men. It might help you to look up the Kinsey scale if you aren't familiar with it, it shows sexuality as more fluid and with room for gray areas. You don't need strict labels if you don't want them .

I realized I was gay around 12, and I accepted it at 15. I was never attracted to women, so I didn't have as much to think about as you do, but it'll all make more sense to you in time and with more experience .

Thank you so much for the recent replies, they were really helpful! It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way - it's so confusing when you don't know for sure because it's such a core aspect of your identity and your life!! I agree it will become clear with experience I think. Thank you so much again!!

Yes! The uncertainty of it all gives you so much anxiety, I can relate!! MM99 I'm sure you'll feel more certain soon - what I'm trying to do is go with the flow as much as I can and try my best to feel okay with myself. Then what ever happens, happens! Good luck

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of the replies recently. I was on the train a couple of days ago and noticed many attractive males, and am starting to feel more comfortable at the idea of a relationship with one, as in the anxious feeling is starting to become less strong though it is still there sometimes. My feelings for women are also very strong, and can easily imagine myself falling for one as well as a male. I'm sorry if I come across as naive or silly. I am leaning more towards being bisexual, and I possibly may lean towards women as I grow older. However I feel my attraction to boys will remain, and the question mark won't go away until I experience both. I am open to being gay, but I feel I need to get boys out of my system to know! If there are any lesbian women who could offer some advice I would appreciate it too! thank you to everyone again! Please be honest as I'm really struggling with it and would like to see other people's views! I know I'll be okay but it's hard for everyone of course!

Glad you feel more certain now!! ! As everyone else has said, it's quite normal to doubt about this kind of things at this age, so try not worry much and the answer will arrive by itself soon (it's what I'm doing too). Good luck!!