Random eye contact questions

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Now, I don't do eye contact. No I won't "learn" just because it's weird for other people. I have sometimes done so accidentally and it squicks me.
But I observe other people, both in movies and so on and in the real world, who do this rapid horizontal shift back and forth - are they looking at each eye individually one after the other? How can anyone do this? What is the point of it? Isn't that weird?
I also noted in my occasional accidental instances, a lot more squick when this happens if I am not on good terms with the person. I wasn't aware this sort of thing had any impact on an autistic's discomfort with eye contact.
Thoughts?

Eye contact is so confusing for me. For most of my life, I have just avoided people's eyes as much as possible, because I haven't been able to understand the language behind it. More recently, I have started mimicking what the other person does. If they look away every so many minutes, then I look away roughly the same amount of time. If certain context causes them to look away, then I try to do it as similarly as possible. However, I'm really horrible with context. Sometimes, I wonder just what I look like to the person when all I do is keep copying their behaviour.

As for your question, I think I have noticed the same thing at some point. From my observations, it seems to indicate deep thought.

I guess you are supposed to lock eyes and look at each other in the eyes and look away after a few seconds, rinse and repeat. I find eye contact causes me anxiety which makes it more difficult to concentrate on what the other person is saying. NT's think eye contact is a sign that you are listening to them and as a sign of respect. I really don't like eye contact unless it is very intermittent and with someone I am really comfortable with.

I remember vividly that I had enormous discomfort with eye contact as a child and a teenager, and it caused me anguish because I realized it's not "normal" and I would ask myself what the heck is wrong with me. It almost "hurt" to look into the eyes of a person who was looking directly into mine. I got really interested in psychology and body language -- probably because I knew I seemed to have problems with mine compared to most people. I started trying to observe and learn what other people do. Mimicking what's "supposed to" happen didn't make eye contact any less uncomfortable though.

I used to think that as an adult I now do "normal" eye contact because of years of trying. I actually realized I don't! I've caught myself still doing a lot of lack of eye contact when I've realized, from what other people do, that there should have been more in this or that moment.

I think it's good and strong of you to not want to make yourself to what's expected; it's stressful and doesn't all come out right anyway, as in my own case, I'm 90% certain.

I still try because I've noticed that when I get it right, the other person seems happier, but then again, it's an exhausting life always wondering if the other person is happy or not. What about me? Rambling....but...yeah.

Last edited by BirdInFlight on 03 Aug 2016, 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Lol, no don't do that. It's a movie thing.

Have you ever noticed how close people on TV and in movies stand to each other when speaking? Way too close. It looks natural to us because we're looking at them in a small screen. In real life, even to people who are "close talkers" it would be weird to get so close, unless you were getting ready to bite each other or make out. They do a lot of unnatural things on TV to give emotion or intensity to scenes.

You pick an eye and look at that one for a few seconds, then look elsewhere. It could be at the person's hair, forehead, something behind them, something right in front of you, wherever, then back to their eye.

Aside from looking at people on the autism spectrum, I am only really aware of this when looking at a person with a lazy eye. My uncle has a slightly lazy eye and will just tell people, "Look at the right one" if he notices that they are looking at the wrong eye.

There is a eye contact technique called checking in and checking out. Which is a slow motion version of what you described.

The fast back and forth is mostly a TV thing to keep your attention on the actor. It kind of bugs me when I see it.

I have total problems with this too. It is one of my noticeable anxiety triggers, actually. Walking around I have no idea what to do, do I look and smile, say hi, or whatever. I've decided that now I'm only really comfortable walking around and avoiding eye contact. In conversations, it varies for me. It's always a bit uncomfortable, some times way more than others. Perhaps for us it just isn't a "natural" experience? That aspect is irrelevant, I guess. Strangely enough, however, for work I have to present to groups of people and over time I've gotten much better at this, and now I'm barely nervous. I just scan the room periodically, jumping from one person to another random person for eye contact.

But I still find it quite uncomfortable, and I'm cool with that.

I'll often avoid eye contact if it's not required by the social occasion. I usually look down when walking around other people because engaging people tires me out, as a rule. In one on one conversations, though, the problem for me isn't maintaining eye contact; it's knowing when to break it. Like others, I try to take my cue from the other party and look away periodically. It's never felt natural to me.

I've done limited public speaking in the past, and eye contact there is usually pretty smooth. If you're forced to face a group of people who are all looking at you, it seems pretty natural to look around at different people. I'll usually kind of pick a few people who come back to as I survey the crowd.

When I first began to believe that I was autistic, I thought a lot about eye contact. I was convinced that I was quite good at it.

Of course, I soon realised that I wasn't. I tend to look at someone's eyes for a few seconds when I'm starting a conversation, then I look slightly down and to the side or perhaps over their shoulder. I didn't realise I was doing it until I really started to think about it. I can imagine it looks quite ignorant, like I'm not paying attention to the conversation.

untilwereturn just mentioned eye contact in groups. This, I don't think I have ever worked out. I try to look around at a lot of different people, but I'm pretty sure I do too much looking around and my head probably darts from one person to the next. I always imagine my eyes quickly sweeping from place to place as though I'm looking for a murderer in the crowd and can't spot them - I think I come across as quite fearful.

If your eyes are darting about, it could suggest that you're nervous (which most people naturally are when they get up to speak to a group), or maybe that you're being deceptive in some way. It might help to find one person where you can sort of "anchor" your eyes, while you glance at others now and then. That way you have a home base where you can always return.

Of course, you don't want to stare too intently at that person or they may feel uncomfortable. At least that's worked for me.

Yes I've seen that in movies, and when my first girlfriend used to look into my eyes, she'd alternate her gaze from eye to eye just like that. I think they probably are looking at each eye individually one after the other. I'm very wary of eye contact myself these days, so no data there, but if I look at two spots (about 3 inches apart) on a piece of paper, I find myself doing a similar thing. It's actually kind of hard to look at both spots at the same time, if I try then I end up looking at a point between them, and then I wouldn't be looking at the spots at all. I guess if a person did look at both eyes at the same time, they'd seem to be looking through a person rather than at them, which might be socially unsettling. I don't look into people's eyes very often, and when I do I'm usually too preoccupied and fazed with the social complexity of it all to notice very much.


Interesting. If I'm feeling at loggerheads with a person, my first instinct is not to look at them, but if I catch myself avoiding their gaze, sometimes I decide to look at them anyway, because I think it may otherwise give them the impression that I can't stand up to them. When I do, it doesn't feel bad. I read that one of the purposes of looking at people is a "threat stare" which is an animal method of having a symbolic fight so as to avoid a real physical fight. So maybe it's something to do with that. With people generally, there are certain schmoozy facial expressions people give me that look false to me, and if I spot one, I have to look away, as I don't want any part in that kind of stuff.

I think it cannot be dealt with mechanically (sadly).
I think I struggle with it as well - what I do is that I generally look into someone's eyes when I start a conversation, and then I start looking at their chest (it does get embarrassing). I am hyperaware of OTHER people's eyes though and although I cannot sustain eye contact it makes me nervous if they stop looking at me - I feel not listened to. But when they look back I can't. Ugh.
I believe you have to look into their eyes regularly during a conversation, like a few times, and at regular moments. But I believe the rhythm and number of times depends on the topic of conversation or the tone.


- G

It's so noticeable, it's like screaming with the eyes. It makes them look like some kind of small mammal to me for a few moments. If I think about noticing this, I only really remember seeing it in female characters (and rarely in actual life) - does that seem fair? I can't say I've ever noticed a man doing it on screen or in reality. Maybe it's an unconscious bias, or perhaps just something to do with setting a shot or tending to have female emotional reactions written in more. Kind of related to what SocOfAutism said - technical, dramatical considerations in TV.

I was only asked at about 26 by a therapist, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but has anybody ever mentioned your eye-contact problems?" to which the answer was no. And now the association of ASD and eye contact trouble is fixed, so that I can't un-notice it. I do often wish I'd never been told. It's led to a sort of hyper-awareness now: Now I'm looking at the mouth. Now the chin. There's an ear. There's the window over there. There might be something on the ceiling. Mouth. That's their name badge. Now they're gesturing, let's have a look at that gesture closely...
But these days I've started to get the feeling that some people actually start to reciprocate eye-contact trouble (so that when I do check their eyes, often they've stopped looking at me). I'm also now painfully paranoid that a generally downward look could be perceived by a woman as staring at her chest.

According to one description of the process I read, the listener is supposed to look constantly at the speaker, while the speaker only looks at them briefly towards the end of each point they're making, presumably to check how they've reacted emotionally to the point - they might show confusion, relief, or annoyance. And I guess the listener is scanning for emotional cues from the speaker, to divine how they're feeling about what they're saying, so they can tailor their replies to better fit the speaker's feelings. I've often thought I should try to follow that protocol when I'm talking with others, but I've never done so, I guess it's just too hard with all the other stuff I have to worry about at the time. And I suspect there are a lot of cultural variants of the basic method. It would be interesting if somebody held an eye-contact workshop to see if people could acquire the knack. I think it could be very easy for a homespun attempt to do "proper" eye contact to backfire. I gather scientific measurements of eye contact time show that there's a fine line between appearing uninterested, appearing sexually attracted, and appearing hostile. My own method is to err on the side of appearing uninterested and compensating by my words, trying to prove that I really was listening and really wasn't as bored out of my skull as I may have looked.

I've noticed only in the past couple months that I have eye contact issues and used to look inappropriately in people's eyes, it made women uncomfortable before at work because they thought I was flirting and mentioned something to me. I stopped looking in people's eyes over 10 years ago.

personally i find eyes really creepy to look at its really kind of disturbing. but a trick ive learned is that looking at someones nose or forehead, is apparently indistinguishable from actual eye contact and has worked...ish so far. kinda just satisfies those "LOOK INTO MY EYES WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU!! !" people.