I don't feel connected to friends, Long story ahead.

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Hello, I'm new to this site. I'm an avid lurker of 5 days but a first-time poster. I hope I can integrate well over time. : )
I kinda want to get my story off my chest since it's been there my whole life, I apologize for how long this post is. Even if I tried I probably wouldn't be able to summarize it to say what I want. It's a lot of nonsense, but I'll try to summarize at the bottom the most important points. Scroll down for TL;DR.

To start, I have no diagnosis of anything. I have never seen a mental health professional in my life, my parents never bothered to have my sister and I see anyone, regardless of our issues. She is my best friend and we still have trouble talking about our own issues mainly of mental health due to the stigma in this family. I don't know where it stemmed from or if it even exists, but never has anyone talked about anything that I can recall. It bothers me quite a bit because it has caused me to be afraid to talk to anyone about anything regarding my own health. I haven't had a checkup or even seen a doctor (not including dentist and optometrist) since I was ~10 or so. I am now 21 years old (I hope that's not too old to post in this board...!) I have horrible social anxiety (I started getting worse grades in high school the more independent the classes got, and even failing a couple classes in college), probably depression, but I really can't know for sure. I don't know what I feel most of the time. I suspect AS or HFA or whatever, as I've read a bunch of studies and other reading material on girls growing up with autism, and much of it fits me to a "T". I know it's not all about social issues and I have experienced more than that, but that is what I'm focused on currently. But again, I can't know for sure. I'm afraid to talk to a doctor about my problems, and there is absolutely no way I would mention this to anyone unless I get a confirmed diagnosis. I cannot bear to ever have my parents or sister find out I suspect this. One time ~4-5 years ago I mentioned I could be autistic to my sister and she said "lol don't say that," and that was the end of that. Anytime I get a negative reaction to me doing or saying anything, I'm done with it. I will do said action in front of others ever again. It doesn't take much. How I wish I could just go online and get evaluated (not those tests everyone has taken, I've done my fair share of those), get a diagnosis and be done with it. But such is life.

On to my friends, I've had the same group of friends for as long as I can remember. I only got to know these people because my sister made friends with them. Since she and I are best friends, I just leaked on in to any lasting friendships. It's been that way up to high school, and I haven't made any new friends (aside from two kid friends I love very much, kids are more open than anyone else I have known, and it's partially due to them that I started looking into my own issues again since they have pointed out some of my "quirks" I guess you could say). I'm very unsure that I could keep up with friendly communications if my sister was gone. In fact, she moved for 2 years out of state for school, and I felt very disconnected with everything. I felt kind of dead, like lack of feelings or whatever. I don't know really. Maybe that's what is considered "missing" a person. My friends continued to come over and hang out, but it was very quiet.

What I have learned is that I'm a huge as*hole and have driven away many people because of that. Genuinely inside I feel like I am a good person, or try to be. However there are a few notable things that I can say I have noticed over time. I have spoken truthfully in an inappropriate manner (a lot to do with visuals and actions I disliked, I've calmed this down much since high school), hurt others physically (hasn't happened since middle school but I have had urges. Very easy to not act upon, but sometimes taken out on myself or surrounding objects), used humor as a coping mechanism in times that were very inappropriate (I feel very bad about it, but especially when one of my good friends committed suicide... It was very very difficult to control.), and tried to keep people around with gifts and offering services (this can only go so far until they realize I'm not being a good friend, I'm just desperate to keep them around because I don't know what else to do). Because of all of this and more I won't go into details about, my life around my school years was very difficult for me. I have a deep longing for lasting relationships, and it breaks me that I couldn't build any of my own without my sister present. She is two years younger than me and has made friends with people in my grade level I could never dream of doing so on my own (who stick around to this day, by the way). I should be grateful for what I have now, but the basis doesn't sit right with me.

ALL THAT SAID, I now have a huge build-up of crap I've covered up (physically and mentally), and I am finding it nearly impossible to open up to anyone, even my friends. They do have issues of their own each one of them, and they are the most wonderful, loving people I have ever known. Very genuine, good people. Very understanding. Through all the s**t I've put them through, they still stick by me. I am sure I could bring up any problems I have and they would be fully supportive (I've seen it through others in the group expressing their own problems), but I have an ever-lasting fear of talking about myself to anyone, especially anyone I'm close to. It's like the closer someone is to me, the less I can reveal about myself. HOWEVER, since I've known them since elementary school, they definitely know more of the "weird" real side of me than anyone else does. I cannot let go of them because they are the only people I know that accept me for being me and not this fake strange person I am now. In spite of all of that, I have never felt like I am truly a part of the friend group. I feel isolated (as I've done this to myself, it's completely my fault) no matter how close I am to them. I just can't let go of the feeling that they only keep me around because they pity me for having no friends, charisma, or social life whatsoever. My sister also has some pretty bad social anxiety (and general for that matter), but that doesn't stop her from being so open with her friends and actively going out with them. And what's worse is that I feel overwhelmed when they come over and shut myself in my room and stay quiet until there's 1-2 people left around. There's always someone around so I have grown used to it, but I wish for complete privacy most at times. I'm not annoyed at them, I'm really not. But the feeling I get is so overwhelming. It's like a flood negativity rushed over me when there's 3+ people around and then the all come into my room. It gets too much and I end up staring blankly at my screen and listening to my music loud enough to shut them out. I wish it didn't have to be this way, I want to be able to be well with them. I'm sorry this part is so quickly and horribly written because I need to say it now since it is right now an issue and I want to say it while I have the feeling still.

So with that in mind, my sister and friends want to get a house together and move out of state to get away from all the crap this town and state have to offer. I want to move (it's an area I know well so I'm not too worried about the actual move), but with how I am feeling with them being around like 1-2 times a week, and they want me to share a room with someone who isn't my sister (she has a bf), I am scared beyond belief. I don't know how I will deal with it because I have a problem with her staying in my room as it is already. And like I have mentioned above, I can't talk to people. It's debilitating. Thank god we have a group chat to talk in because I can't say everything I do (and as witty as I do sometimes ;P) in person like I do in type. I want the change to happen and I'm really hopeful for a better living situation, but the thought of such a change also terrifies me. I'm afraid of my situation getting worse and pushing everyone away to the point of them leaving me. I mentioned earlier about feeling dead inside when my sister left for 2 years. I want my space. That's just who I am. I need space to feel well (or more so, whatever that means), but I'm afraid of being truly alone. I'm afraid that without the connections I have with my friends, I'll probably go off and do something stupid to kill myself. I'm not suicidal in the conventional sense where I will actively find a way to kill myself on the spot, but more so in a way where I won't try to keep myself well and sort of hope for some natural disaster or an accident to happen to rid me from this planet, since I do consider myself a horrible waste of space and resources. It doesn't even bother me anymore like it used to since it's been a part of me for years, I'm so used to it. I can think and write about it without feeling anything because it's just so normal to me! However, I'm afraid it will escalate to actually trying anything if I lost my friends. I do badly depend on them. I don't think it's healthy to depend on others so much that my life is on the line, but it is what it is and that's what I've grown into. I'm obsessively trying to find ways to connect to every one of my friends and looking into their interests and trying to make them my own. Obviously it doesn't work, I'm so focused on my own interests (which luckily are some of theirs as well). Now I'm just rambling... lol.


TL;DR: I have more than my fair share of personal problems but I've never seen a doctor. Suspect AS, but who knows.
I've been pushing people away my whole life with things I haven't been able to control (never learned properly as a kid? I dunno), but getting better about it more. But with all that I have built a wall around myself and I can't let anyone in. I have a group of friends that's stuck by my since elementary school, wonderful people. But I don't feel right around them. I don't feel like I fit, like they're only around me due to pity because I'm a pathetic loser who could never make it in life. I continue to push them away subtly when they're around too much (1-2 times a week maybe), but I definitely don't dislike them, just too overwhelming. We're looking for a house to move out in the next year and I'm scared that I will have it worse off when they're around every day in the same place as me. I don't leave the house enough as it is as it's hard for me to, and I feel like I will be trapped in my room for the rest of eternity (an exaggeration). These people are pretty much my life and I would be so lost and dead without them.

To be honest, I don't know what I'm asking really, or if this is for anything other than myself to just write down and get out there somewhere. I'm going to go through with the house thing regardless, so it's not an advice thread (maybe advice on coping or trying to talk about it? ((maybe even help with trying to see a professional? Lol))). I don't feel better after writing this, but maybe I do, I dunno really. I just feel like typing right now. If you have any situations I can relate to (anything similar I guess) please feel free to say so, I guess I just want to feel some connection with anyone else. I'm hoping that this board will help, in that it's not just a "me" thing.

I'm so so sorry for how long this is, I couldn't shrink it if I tried (in fact I wish I could add more, but I'm done!). I just hope no one reads the whole thing, but if you do, I commend you, and thank you for your crazy amount of spare time given into this, you crazy time spender. : D

Hey crazy time spender here who just read all of your post (it's a compulsion lol ). Much of what you've written is very similar to how I feel, so you're certainly not alone!

Firstly, I totally understand the sense of stigma in your family. I have clinical depression, a 10 year+ eating disorder, and high functioning autism, and I've been going through life feeling like I'm broken and detached from everyone else because I had nobody to talk to. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my dad's side of the family actually has a rich history of depression, psychosis and HFA; nobody has ever told me this, I guess we're just not a talking family, but because of that stigma I've just felt utterly alone.

If you feel like you have depression, I would recommend seeing a doctor and at least getting a diagnosis. If you are depressed, and your depression worsens in the future, it may begin to have an adverse effect on your work/school or whatever, and it's good to have some documentation to back you up. I knew I was depressed but it wasn't until I had a diagnosis that I felt I could take ownership of myself and try and cope with things.

Likewise if you feel you are autistic in any way, then I would discreetly book an appointment with a doctor. Growing up as a girl with autism is hard because people attribute a lot of your behaviours to your femininity; I'm 22 like you and when I was at school (before my diagnosis) people would characterise me as reserved, intelligent, shy, studious etc. Being called shy used to really piss me off because I'm not a shy person, I just struggle to involve myself in pointless conversations (small talk etc.). The teachers used to tell me I had worked too hard on my homework ( ) which baffled me; looking back I can see it was because they didn't set parameters for how much work needed to be done or whatever, so I would just go and do everything, like spend 6 hours on a 15 minute task ! Before I got my diagnosis I had mentioned to my mother that I thought I was autistic. She said 'don't say that', just like your sister, but I'm glad I persevered because I was right. She has come around now, but only after I explained the difficulties I was having, which she wouldn't have seen. For example, when I moved away to uni I needed to book a haircut. I had never booked one for myself and I just couldn't pick up the phone because I didn't know what to say, or what the receptionist would say to me. In the end I went on yahoo answers and asked for a script... If/when you get a diagnosis, you might be more confident in saying, 'no, I am HFA', or whatever.

You mentioned a bunch of traits/behaviours which I have too to some degree. Like you I have told inappropriate truths and laughed at the wrong things; I've been told I don't have a sense of empathy, which I don't think is strictly true, but I have hurt people unintentionally. My best friend at school once got really upset at me when she asked me if I would cry at her funeral, and I said probably not . I have a really intense problem with talking about myself; I think forums like these are a good outlet for people like us because you can write things you never would say out loud.

One thing I would like to raise is your feeling of emptiness when your sister moved away, and your fear that you might hurt yourself in the future if you become further separated from other people. When I was at university, living alone for the first time, I really got a sense of the full scope of my problems. I stopped eating and I stopped speaking to others. I made no new friends and eventually I stopped going to classes. I would even listen at my bedroom door before going out to the bathroom, because I couldn't bare to run into one of my hallmates. It was really bad. I actually study at home now because I couldn't look after myself, and I have to wonder if earlier diagnoses of depression and HFA couldn't have helped me; I would have had some support, and I might have had the confidence to ask for help. As it was, I had neither.

One thing that's always struck me about deliberately removing yourself from the company of others (as you say you do), is that it can be considered a form of temporary suicide. You get to 'die' effectively by stepping out of all the things that make your day real (events, natural light, social interactions, etc.). I did this for over a year and it was this horrible paradox of wanting to be alone, and yet feeling utterly lonely. If you are autistic, or even just introverted, it is natural to want to be apart from other people sometimes. I often remove myself when I feel overwhelmed; if I spend the day alone, I get very uncomfortable when somebody else enters my space, even if logically I am happy to see them. I don't know if this paradox can be fixed. I've had it for a long time and I haven't sorted it out. I am uncomfortable around others but when I force myself to be with people I should want to be with, I feel almost guilty, like I'm inflicting my problems on them and I'm getting in the way.

I hope this helps you feel understood in some way (sorry it's so long!). Good luck with the move. It will be what it will be, and at least you have your sister there (she will always be there for you, even now she has a bf, I'm sure). If you want to PM me or keep talking in this thread, that would be cool

I have always had trouble feeling connected to friends. I used to be really shy and unable to tell anyone anything about myself. I'm better with that now, but something about my friends makes me reluctant to open up to them. I do have online friends whom I tell things about myself to, but I don't really feel connected to them either. I've never had a friend that I truly felt connected to.

Oh wow, I feel you. Really. The paradox thing you mentioned is all too true, and I'm really afraid of pushing everyone I love away because of it. I like my friends being around. They're great. But I also need to be alone often. I get easily irritated by them being around. It's not fun, and I think I'd sound like a butt saying that I'm irritated and overwhelmed by their presence. I think a diagnosis would help greatly so I can say I am this way for a reason and I'm not trying to be an as*hole! With all the openness with mental illnesses and such in our little group, I would hope they'd understand, but I can't expect it. School is making this worse, too. I only have two classes, but even so I come home exhausted, and it reflects really negatively on my interactions with friends. I feel bad now because I think I've been apathetic or hostile toward my
buds who live with me since I've been home today.

I have a friend that is severely depressed, she went through the same thing when she left for university, failing all her classes, not eating, isolating herself. It was heartbreaking experiencing that. She had to leave and is now quite a bit in debt, but she made an amazing friend in the process.

School is hard. I go out of my way to pick the classes that give the least amount of interaction work (my english classes were hell with group projects, presentations, and all, and I failed too many to continue general education). I'm doing animation and half of what I do it following instructions. It's fun and exactly what I need to do to get work done. Maths, sciences, and my elective of arts have kept me going.

I do believe I'm depressed to an extent. Like being unconventionally suicidal (but I also used to assume it was normal to feel like that). But more so I think I'm too self aware. I'm to worried about what people think of me that I just assume everyone dislikes me or thinks I'm weird and disgusting. I've always had the motto of "expect the worst so you can't be disappointed." And I'm such a bad offender of that. It makes me analyze everything I do and try hard to blend in and never be seen. But I don't worry about danger because I guess I just don't care. I don't care about death or physical pain, I care about the judgement of anything, failing or succeeding, because I just don't know what a normal reaction to something is.

I'm seeing my school therapist now, although it's hard to talk overall, I feel a sense of comfort and understanding in her, so I'm doing my best. Hopefully it can steer me in a direction to really go for a diagnosis of whatever I got. : >

Thank you for reading, really. I wish you the best.



Very relatable. It's such a hard feeling to deal with, I think. These people are my life and yet I still isolate myself from them because I'm afraid of being judged and left out in the cold. It's so irrational, but I can't stop thinking it. I'm still dealing with being shy. I hate it. I find it easy to talk to people "anonymously" (in that I can put a name to myself as long as it's not connected to my regular identity. Of course there's little connection there because I only know them from a string of words on a screen. But letting out all this s**t is important, too. I don't like freezing up with people, but I can't stop it. I'm really trying to work on it. Good luck out there.

Thank you so much for taking your time to respond, guys. I really appreciate it. And sorry for the late reply, there's no notification or anything so I just happened to see it now.

I think if you're living with depression or ASD (or any pervasive mental condition), you can't help but assume that the way you feel is normal. This makes it harder to identify a problem and ask for help, since it feels like you're not coping with a problem that everybody else is coping with, when actually, other people don't have such a problem to overcome. I still can't imagine what it's like to really value life; I was genuinely surprised when my therapist told me it wasn't normal to contemplate suicide every day !

As for 'expect the worst so you can't be disappointed: It's good you recognise the detrimental effects of your motto/outlook, as I suppose that's the first step towards feeling better about yourself. My motto is 'nothing is real'. I didn't consciously adopt it, it's just how I feel since I experience derealisation and feel separate etc.. For me, knowing that this is how I feel helps me to rationalise things; I think 'nothing is real, I'm scared, I don't belong here', and then I acknowledge/rationalise 'ok, nothing feels real to me... so, that's fine, I guess? Just keep going as you always have, or change things if you want to.' It's hard to explain, I just think understanding your brain, flaws and all, is the best way to feel comfortable in yourself.



Like I said, I think it will help you to explore your experiences with a therapist so you can put a name to the way you are. Having a name for it (be it depression, autism, whatever) makes it easier to accept and confront, because it shows you you're not just struggling for no reason. Otherwise it's just a nameless fog that separates you from others (and from being content) without visible cause or remedy. I wish you all the best anyway, and I hope your friends are understanding (at least you know they are open to sharing mental health issues)