lonely lad

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My 17yo as son is very clever and obsessed with computers and never does anything else but sit in his room either on games or doing his homework. I know that as kids can be obsessive and I don't have a problem with that but he seems to be getting bored and irritated with his life and he won't let anybody help him. He sometimes seems to resent his mother and me going out but he won't come out with us. It is as if he is stuck in a deep rut, he is very unhappy about it but he can't do anything about it or let anyone help him. Any ideas would be helpful.

Is the recieving any councelling or psychiatric care? It is kind of hard to know what to advise without this information.

If it helps, you and your family are not alone...

Part of it is just the age he's at and NT boys his age act the same. Have you asked him is there something you would like to do (to try to get him out of the house)? Or will he not tell you? He's probably being overwhelmed with getting close to adulthood and not knowing how to get a job, worrying how he will survive, may be lonely and wanting a friend or girlfriends. Anything you can do to help him in those situations might bring him out a little. Do you belong to an autism group where he might meet others like himself?

He is not receiving any counselling or treatment at all. Like any teenager he thinks he knows everything and he seems so convinced of his intellectual superiority that he won't listen to anybody. He has a very negative attitude to anything and everything except his studies (he is expecting distinctions in his college exams) and his computer games when he is winning. If and when he joins in any family conversation it is invariably to criticise something or someone. Even if there is something that is very positive on tv you can see him thinking of something negative to say, maybe just to get a reaction. We try to explain the impression he is giving people but of course he won't listen. This attitude doesn't help his popularity which in turn makes him stop in his room. I want to help him to be happy but he disagrees with any positive suggestions. He is a member of an autism group but he thinks he is superior to the other kids so he doesn't see any of them away from the group. It does help to know that other people care enough to help. Thanks

Geez I don't know what to suggest for you. I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this though. It sounds like he is going through an extreme phase of the teenage I know better than my parents or anyone else phase. Most kids go through that, but he's got it bad! The only thing I can think of is next time he says he is that great then ask him why he has no job or friends or girlfriend? Maybe that will shut him up enough that he will go think about that. Or if he says he's superior to the other autistic people he knows then ask him why don't he volunteer to help some of the lower functioning out with computer skills or whatever else he is good at.

I have a feeling until some girl he is in love with verbally spells out how terrible acting he is he won't get it. Kids don't seem to listen to their parents past a certain age. I know I was that way at least.

I know someone like that too. I guess alot of that is teenage stuff. Maybe he would go out with you and your wife if it was something that interested him a little bit. Sometimes I just tell my son "You are going with us and that's final". Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

I agree, he is not alone in these feelings. I think the idea of volenteering with computers is a good one. Maybe at least he could do some parallel socialization and get some meaning or "purpose" out of that.

I would see if there is anyway you can get him to go to councelling, if he will physically go, it does not matter how much he mumbles and grumbles about it, just get him there. Being able to talk to someone else and have someone other then mom or dad give feedback, both positive and negative would be great.

em, maybe instead of trying to get him away from his computer games and homework, and into you own intrests, maybe you should try and get involved in his.

Play video games with him sometimes, and offer to help him with his homework, im going through this teenage phase myself right now, and i hate that my parents are trying to brake my ruteen, i would rather that they could get involved in mines, and then i would be happier, maybe he is the same.

The only teens I knew who werent like this(negative about everything)was on Leave it to Beaver.Cynicism is a protective layer of skin required to survive a hostile world(until you hopefully learn more productive systems of protecting yourself).

Being a teenager is being stuck between worlds....a lot of the responsibilities and expectations of being an adult(at least it feels like that),but with out all the crutchs adults get to use....drinking,sex,money.Aspies are supposedly slower to emotinally mature(I thought most of my peers were superficial airheads).Many kids(moms and daughters...sons and fathers)go through an antigositic relationship which is very normal(though unpleasant).They are trying to create there own identities but dont know how to go about it without rejecting the "safe" role as the child,they once had.Some kids go through this much younger....ever see a little boy push his mom away when she tries to hug him goodbye.....

I think the voice of reason comes from the teen....get involved in his activities.I hated going to some social function that my parents thought were fun.Hormones,ideintity growth.....you couldnt pay me to return to those years....mos t of us survive.

it is difficult to get someone out of this mode of thinking....my nephew, who's 29 and un-dxed aspie, refuses to go to counseling...doesn't have a job, doesn't leave his room much..spends most of his time on the computer & telling us how he's far superior to us.............his mom never heard of aspergers, and by the time she did~well she felt it was too late to force him to go for a dx and counseling. she's terrified about what will happen to him when she passes away, because most of the family can't stand him, and he doesn't work......( we've agreed to take him in only if he goes for a dx, and counseling)
you are the parent. you still have the authority to get him to counseling .....i'm not saying it will be easy, but just think of it as a way to help him become more self-sufficient~giving him job skills ( i've found that one of the best job skills is the ability to be flexible, and to get along with others).

I have a friend with a brother who I'm sure has Asperger's. (He's 23)

He has 2 friends and they go to Internet Cafe's together and talk to each other online!

Or they stay at home and play computer games with each other.

I have no idea what advice to give you. Hopefully it's extreme teenage - ness and things will improve.

Smelena

My son has a fantasy going that he would be much happier in England. He thinks that the English are much more mannered and cultured than folks here.

There is no talking to someone who has a dream about something. Maybe he will go to England some day and figure out that he takes his own brain with him and that the things that bother him are within himself, not outside the environment.

It sounds like you are writing a chapter in my book. Here's what I found gives me a little joy when my son is behaving like that. I find a task for him (doesn't matter how minimal) that he can accomplish and feel good about. Then I allow him to brag about it and I listen carefully. An example....He has been shut up in his room and not wanting to interact with us, I am working in the yard and I tell him I need his help with cutting down some branches on a tree (they may not need to be cut or I could do it myself). I convince him that I'm just a weakling and that I wish I was as strong as him. Pretty soon we are out in the yard together working. I us this time to get him to talk about anything he is comfortable with, things that went on at school, things after school, what is the theme of the computer game he is playing. I use this time to suggest that he might look really good if we got his hair cut a different way, or to tell him about a family event that is coming up and how everyone wants to see him and catch up on things. The only way this works is if he has not scheduled an event on his computer. So you might want to set it up ahead of time.

Also, it can be all consuming for you to try and help your child make sure you have some time for yourself so that you are up to the job. You sound a little worn out.

Motherofalien.....I am 43,but would you consider adopting me?I love your advice(and am also an alien),so I am sure we would all get along great....

My son is only 12, but sometimes I force myself to watch stupid things on YouTube with him, or listen to music that he likes. Just the other day I had our wireless headphones on listening to some music from Youtube, and he was at the computer, he opened another window and started playing GhostBusters theme music and Weird All layered on top of my music!

I encouraged him for a while, making light of it, just so he could feel that "connection" and "bonding". Finally I put the headphones away, and we had a good talk about things going on. He was much more relaxed and calm.

My sons are 16, 14 and 13. The oldest and youngest are both AS. You're son seems to be just like my oldest son, S. I started telling my guys quite early on that they dating is not a necessity while they are in school. I knew that the oldest would have trouble with the whole "I like you as a good friend, but....." issue. I have tried to teach them that they need to concentrate on becoming the kind of people they want to be and have a direction for themselves before they start perseverating on girls.
My boys like to spend time alone, but when I notice that they seem to be withdrawing I start doing things like walking in their rooms to straighten things and casually asking them pointed questions that they have to give an answer to. I rent videos for us all to watch together, even though I may not want to see some of them. I tell S that he has to turn off the computer or whatever and come watch. I also make them take turns coming shopping with me because it gives me time with each of them and they open up while we're there. I also pay attention to what they like and who they hang out with and ask them questions. Sometimes I ask dumb questions just to make them think they know more than me. It really boosts their egos to teach Mom something.