I'm a terrible person.

Post Reply New Topic

Yeah, I'm a terrible person. Just, in general. I say the wrong things at all the wrong times. I hurt people without meaning to, and then my apology isn't enough.

I try so, so hard to be a nice person. I really do! I compliment my friends as often as I can, but it's not enough. It's never enough.

I've got a school camp coming up, and we were trying to organise tent groups. One of my friend groups had already sorted it out, and there was no room for me. The other was still sorting things out, and I offered them my 8 man tent since they didn't have one big enough. They just kept declining. The organiser started taking the final decisions, and I was all alone. I asked them one last time, and they said "It's nothing personal, we just don't want you in our group."

I started to cry, so I excused myself and went to sit elsewhere. I realised that the people I call friends don't even like me, and that's the most depressing thing ever. I try so hard, and for what? I just want a friend or two - not people that will pointlessly exclude me.

At the very last moment, they took me up on my offer, and said I could join their tent group. I was happy for a moment, but then I looked at their faces. They all looked so reluctant to invite me... The teacher took our names anyway, and the decision was made final.

I feel so manipulative. I guilted them into sharing a tent with me, when they don't want me around. I hate myself.

I know that I've been mean to them unintentionally, and I know what I've done wrong to them. But over the past few weeks, I've been so cautious not to get mad at anyone or say anything that could possibly be interpreted as mean. I wasn't prepared for their reaction. I followed up on them to apologise, since I felt terrible for making them feel guilty.

One girl said, "It's not that we don't like you, it's just that we don't like the things you say. We don't hate you or anything." I tried hard not to cry again, and again excused myself from the conversation. I was sure they'd forgotten about how I'd hurt their feelings last semester, so it must be something recent... but I have no idea what. I've been trying hard to be my authentic (but nicer) self. If they don't like the things I say, then it must be that they don't like me.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent, and I have no friends to talk to about this. I'd really appreciate some advice. I don't want to be alone forever.

Honestly, your unwilling tent-mates are the ones with the manners of pigs! And they complain about YOUR lack of tact after that? I wouldn't lose any sleep about upsetting or "manipulating" them, especially as you hardly meant to.

...but it must be upsetting to learn that they're not such good friends after all. Many non-autistic teenage girls seem to be stuck in this really horrible social dynamic. They have an over-developed sense of being "in" and "out", without the experience to handle it gracefully. So they're constantly trying to manoeuver. They "drop" old friends for the stupidest reasons, and then find their fancy new friends are even more shallow and ruthless than they are. The better ones grow out of it eventually, but no fun for you while you're waiting.

(And the boys have their own stupidities. There are reasons I don't stay in touch with anyone I met before I was 18.)

Ditto.

Just remember OP that with school friends like those, you won't be staying in touch with any of them after you complete middle school. You probably won't stay in touch with any of the friends you make in high school either. After 18 is when you'll make your real friends.

So don't worry about those extremely rude students from your school. When they act like that, they say far more about themselves than they do about you. Just remember that you're a good person and they're not. Don't go down to their level. You only have to be around them for a couple more years. Then you can let old acquaintance be forgot for auld lang syne and all that jazz.

We're sorry to hear that.



Sweet Pea hugs

You don't sound like a bad person because you're making an effort to try and make things better. It sounds like you're just being misunderstood.

If you have any hobbies or special interests, try to find groups or clubs in your area that you could go to after school hours and/or on weekends. You have a better chance of finding and making friends with people who share your interests.

The friendships made in school social groups tend to be hollow, fake things, as people wear psychological masks to fit in. Such fake friendships have no true value, so don't waste your time trying to fit in with people that aren't really mature enough yet for real friendship relationships.

Those people are total azzhats. Just because someone is a little "odd" is no reason to ostracize them like that. They should be the embarrassed ones, not you. Cliquey little snots.

Also, truly terrible people never say "I'm a terrible person". They usually think they're awesome.

P.S. People did shyt like that to me when I was in school, too. Once my swim teacher let everyone pick their own groups for a week-long activity. There could be up to four people in a group. No one would let me in their group, and I had to tell the teacher that in front of the whole class. It took her a good five minutes of berating everyone until someone finally relented and let me join their group. Yeah. Good times.

The responsibility and attention with which you conduct yourself socially is far more caring and mature than anyone could expect of a 14 year old girl.
You will make a great friend as soon as you find someone who understands you.
I wish I had known someone like you when I was 14.

Listen to what has been shared here: real life begins when you get out of school. Until then, try and find a hobby. And choose something that is geeky. You do not want to end up in yet another situation where you think it is about the activity, but actually everything is about social status.

I'm sorry this painful thing happened to you, but I'm not surprised. You and your age-mates will eventually grow out of this, but middle school and high school can be really, really hard on kids, even fairly popular kids.

Others have given you good advice, above. Though it's lonely, try to develop yourself as a person, with interests and passions of your own. Try to learn some conversational gambits that avoid hurting anyone's feelings, while also asserting your own position (like, "sorry, can't help you with that assignment, I'm running late already").