Creepy dudes

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Lately, since taking public transit I've been approached by creepy dudes a lot.

Once, when waiting for the train, I had a dude come and sat next to me and asked if he wanted to have sex, like right from the start. I'm like, No, I'm fine, thank you, and I got up and moved. When I got on the train, the dude wasn't sitting very far away, and there was another woman that sat in the seat across from him. I saw and heard him propositioning that woman, too, and I saw the disgust on her face as she moved seats.

Some other situations like that are like when a dude first asked, "I'd like to get to know you." And when I said I was fine, "Yeah. I know, you're really fine", was his response. I moved and made sure to get on a different car when the train came.

Other times, a dude will just stare at me, eyes wide open.

Yeah it's like almost an every day experience on public transit. Guys staring, at least; being propositioned or catcalled happens like once a week at least. Sigh.

It's interesting experiencing it from the "other side" as it were; I'm transgender and although I never treated women (let alone ANY people) like that myself, I saw it happen and heard about it from time to time. Since transitioning, and experiencing it myself on a regular basis, I realize what a serious thing it is and I wish I could do something about it.

From what I can tell it's rooted in male privilege, that these men feel entitled to the attention of women and will do whatever they deem necessary to get it; from honking or yelling out the window while driving by, whistling or shouting or just simply speaking lewd comments as women walk by, to straight up approaching women and making them give their attention fully.

It's not sexy, and there's no way they can think that this behavior will often produce a positive result, so the only thing I can think of is it's them attempting to assert their dominance over us because that's how the power structures of our society are maintained. Make us uncomfortable, and try to push us to be meek and submissive. It's also an extension of the "men's locker room talk" that has become a popular topic lately. During the time before I decided to transition I can't tell you the disgusting things that men say when they don't think a woman is around. I hated it and it's the chief reason I do not trust men or like them very much as a whole. A lot of them only do it to fit in, but I'm certain that a large number of them enjoy making us feel gross or just plain ol schadenfreud.

Honestly, I think the only way to stop this is for other men to tell them to knock it off, because they sure as hell don't care how we think or feel about it.

I haven't had to deal with too much in the way of sexual harassment.

I do notice people making the sign of the cross when I sit next to them on the bus, though.

Last edited by Barchan on 14 Oct 2016, 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You're right, that's exactly what it is. It's a show of dominance, and exercising their "right" (i.e., privilege) to always have their opinions be heard, even if their opinions are ugly and crude.

I just remembered that a few weeks ago, some random guy at a restaurant told me to smile. It's the same principles at work here; while not blatantly sexual, there's still a clear gender dynamic to the behavior. I never hear men do this to other men, for example.

Yeah, it really sucks. It happens to me often which is one of the reasons I hate public transit. I can't even get on if I don't have headphones with me. I have PTSD so that factors into why it makes me so anxious.

Yeah, I always wear headphones but sadly it's not foolproof for keeping... fools away. Just this morning this guy was waving his arms around just to get my attention to tell me good morning. Men simply do not do this to other men. It's so frustrating

That almost never happens to me. I must be very fat, gross and ugly.
Not that I *want* them to say creepy things to me.

Also the only public transport I've taken in months is a taxi but even on the bus I didn't have this problem. Because it's not a major city, I guess.

I've heard a theory that women on the autism spectrum invoke male pheromones or something. I hope it's not true, I've had nothing but booty call advances for the past 11 years.

That almost never happens to me. I must be very fat, gross and ugly.

I understand your reaction, and I'm disturbed by it at the same time. I've heard other women and girls voice this same reaction, and they were not fat, gross, or ugly. Also, as previous posters have said, this behavior is likely based on a sense of entitlement and/or a need for dominance.


I've heard a theory that women on the autism spectrum invoke male pheromones or something.
????

I really think the same inability to understand and use appropriate non-verbal cues, and sometimes other forms of communication, as well as a smaller than average social network that makes us vulnerable in school to bullies is probably coming into play in these sorts of adult social situations. If neurotypical women, with their significantly higher interpersonal skills don't know how to handle this sort of thing, I think it's not really a mystery why an Aspie/Autie girl would find such a social situation challenging.

Physically leaving the situation was a good move. Telling management (the driver if it's a bus) about what this man said, and how it made you feel, and the fact that he's doing it to another woman now who also looks uncomfortable, is another good option.

Ah, public transport. It seems to breed creepy guys like a pond breeds scum. I guess there are too many people out there ready to take advantage of a public setting (where everyone is usually on their best behaviour except them) to do nasty things. I was groped in a public aquarium reception area once, when I was around 16. I feel angry that, at the time, I was so appalled and confused I didn't tell any staff, so nothing came of it. Given some bad crap that happened before that event, almost a decade later if it happened once more I'd probably physically attack them.

We have it just as bad in the UK.

I frequently get bothered by builders when I'm trying to go somewhere since builders are EVERYWHERE. The typical "Y'ALLRIGHT LOVE" grates on me, ughhh. "SMILE LOVE, CAN'T BE THAT BAD" or "FANCY A SHAG?" pls no. Even when I'm with my bf they're like "FUTURE MARRIED COUPLE EH?!" SO awkwaaaard. And the NTs say us autistic people have no filter... Jesus.

In fact why do these absolute bastards even feel the need to cat call when they have absolutely NO chance and they know that? It's like a never ending cycle of idiot. I'm starting to think they just do it to show off to their builder mates.

I think the showing off to their mates part is spot on. It's somehow ingrained into so many - men and women - in a group to prove they are 'alpha' in some way. I've heard some women appreciate catcalls, but I find that very hard to believe. It's unwanted objectification that can quickly escalate into abuse, but is so often defended as horseplay alongside the inevitable demand to stop being so sensitive.

And that is exactly word for word how I feel about the entire thing.
Someone said to me once that if someone says to not show that it bothers you, like saying you're being too sensitive and you should just deal with it but not show it bothered you - it's apparently the lightest form of Gaslighting because they're essentially saying "shut up and suffer in silence" when you are allowed to be mad/upset about things because that's being healthy, not suffering in silence. -_-

I've heard of people liking the cat calls too but I'm putting that down to them being some kind of narcissistic attention seeker.

When you react to it and they act like they were just playing around, it's kind of manipulative I think because clearly the intent was to get a rise out of you or some kind of reaction, so by doing so you fall into a trap and then they deny that's what the intent was to fuel more reaction? I sort of think it's like that in a lot of the scenarios.

Public transportation is the worst in terms of creepy dudes! When even I have used it for concerts and am even slightly dressed up, creeps will try to hit on me or say weird things that I really don't appreciate. I've noticed that people leaving clubs and sports game goers are the absolute worst! Luckily, now that I only use public transportation to go to work, my hospital scrubs and badge ward off most of the creepy dudes because it intimidates them to think I actually have a well-earning job. That is not true. Lol

I think they can tell something is off about us and think they can take advantage of it. I hate going in public because I seem to be a "creepy guy magnet". I've been stalked by strangers in grocery stores and stuff. I've started wearing earplugs when I shop so I don't have to listen to their stupid comments.

lol who walks up to a random girl and asks do you want to have sex. Maybe it was a part of a social experiment.

There's actually a social experiment on Youtube released back in 2013 where a man asks 100 random women, hey do you want to have sex with me? Of course all of them said no. One girl even splashed her drink on the guys face. *Boom! Headshot!*

And then they had a hot girl ask random guys for sex, half of them said yes.