Right to not be touched as an adult

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Greenleaf
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 12 May 2016
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 53
Location: Rhode Island

22 Oct 2016, 11:07 pm

I've just left a church I liked because an older man won't respect my request to no longer be touched by him. (Some hugging is common there but most people seem to ask, either verbally or nonverbally in a sort of exaggerated way.) Numerous other women have been upset by him. Handshakes went to hugging then to kissing, all very fast, no chance to avoid.

I asked the man directly to stop, didn't help, then asked the church leadership; they initially talked to the man but his behavior just got more subtle. After I communicated that, the minister indicated to me that no amount reports of such unwanted contact from me or others would result in anything other than requests to the man; the idea seemed to be that the man deserved help and being in the community too. I'd told the minister about being autistic.

I basically freaked quietly, left the church. (Lots of activities, people I like there, large loss for me; building contacts is hard for me.) But there was a panicky feeling; the lack of ability to stop that touch has affected me worse than anything in a long time. The contact was causing me worse and worse stress but also the statement by the minister that no amount of that unwanted contact would cause (real) intervention.

I'm really still feeling that panicky feeling any time I think about that situation now. Is this related to autism; the lack of control over a sensory thing, touch, boundary violations, maybe? I know many autistic people have problems with touch from other people, but then do violations of the boundaries "normally" then cause this kind of panic feeling?

My sense of safety is partly because I felt like I know the "rules" now as an adult...

I generally shutdown if too tired, overwhelmed etc, and go on autopilot until that fries too; don't remember ever a meltdown, but am wondering if this was closer to the latter, if emotions are too strong. Thank goodness it wasn't at a job, but it is still a large loss.

I feel the church's actions were unjust for me and the others affected, but this emotional reaction is really hard for me to deal with still. I just had to leave and to stay vaguely functional feel I really just can't talk to these people, which has not happened to me in decades. :(

Thank you for any thoughts on this...