Room cleaning

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How do I get my 10 year old boy with ADHd ( can't tolerate meds) to pick up his room? I'm not super strict about it or a neat freak, I've shown him before what do to. I reminded him there's 3 things to sort, things to keep, things to donate, things to trash. He won't even try he yells at me and slams his hands on the table saying he sucks at organizing and he can't do it.. there is stuff everywhere in there. Clean clothes he throws them under his bed, behind his bookshelf, and on his closet floor. So I told him you fully understand what needs to be done and you won't even try ...this is part of personal responsibility so if you refuse, you are unpluged and not playing outside, and when baseball starts your not going unless your rooms fixed. I'm not super strict about it but clothes can be put away in the proper places and bed made , stuff out on his book shelf or in cabinets... am I right? I really don't think he doesn't get it he just doesn't want to do it. He yelled at me but when he saw I won't back down he went into his room. I hope he's working on it now and not playing instead, I will check on him in a few. He can have breaks if he's really truly working on it too, I just don't like this "I suck at organizing so I can't do it" crap. Any tips or advice? Thanks : )

First off, "there's 3 things to sort, things to keep, things to donate, things to trash" is not ONE direction. It's 3.

And then you add the direction "I showed you what to do."

And then you add the directions "clothes can be put away in the proper places and bed made , stuff out on his book shelf or in cabinets" is three more directions.

You just made 7 demands on a 10 year old, not one. YIKES!

Look up information on executive functioning, and how to support it. Your average ADHDer does not have the executive functioning skills to complete 7 demands, all at once. Someone with really good EF skills would listen to your directions, infer your intent, make priorities, and start with something approachable. Lots of kids like us don't have those skills.

Two things that I use to get around my executive functioning problems. I don't work on a task - I work on a timer. I set it for something that feels reasonable. Usually 5 minutes. I start working on a specific area for 5 minutes. I don't plan what to do. I don't do it logically. I just do. And then at 5 minutes, I stop, unless I've gotten into it and I want to keep going, which does happen sometimes. The theme is, it doesn't matter what you do, just do one thing at a time. I've been shocked at how much I can really keep things clean on a 5 minute timer.

Second, I use music and fun to keep my poor understimulated brain entertained while I work. It really does help. Keeps me from freezing.

ADHD kiddos do great when they feel like they have to get something done under a time limit. Its the intensity that helps our brains. But you have to gage that carefully. Too much and they shut down and refuse, or cry.

Google "executive functioning".

Don't ask him to clean his room - that's too complicated and vague a request. Give him one specific task at a time (put all your dirty clothes in the hamper). Check when he's done, and help with any problems (you forgot to look under your bed; can you take those clothes out now?) Then give him another specific request. Repeat the process until the room is clean.
Advanced Level: After he's done this a few times, you can hang a chart with all the steps in his room. Then you can ask him to follow the chart. He may or may not be able to stay on task, though. If he can't do it, go back to the first technique.

Please don't demand that he clean up a large mess all at once. Just as you need to break what is (especially to him) a complicated task down into smaller steps, it's a good idea to pare down the workload so that it's not as overwhelming to him. His anger might be his way of expressing, among other things, a feeling that what you're asking is impossible for him to accomplish. The timer that somanyspoons mentioned is a good idea, and so are the breaks that you talked about. As the room gets closer to the kind of clean you want, help him recognize that he's closer to getting the job done. Also, don't expect great improvement all at once; he'll probably need more time, practice, and patience than a "typical" 10-year-old.

It's simply unrealistic to expect that you can say "Go clean your room" to a 10 year old with ADHD and expect anything resembling a reasonable result. He's completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, doesn't know where to start, and doesn't have the executive function skills to make a plan of this magnitude and carry it out.

You're going to need to TEACH him how to clean a room, step by step, assist him, and oversee the effort for many months before this can be done independently.


The book "Smart But Scattered" has good explanations about how to teach these sorts of skills. The key is scaffolding -- providing maximum support for learning a skill and then gradually backing off until it can be done independently.

This link has a good method for breaking down the effort into smaller steps: http://howdoesshe.com/how-to-teach-your-child-to-clean-any-bedroom-in-ten-minutes-without-using-a-blowtorch/. Realistically, though, it will take much more than 10 minutes, especially the first few times. I would also break Step 3 into smaller chunks -- pick up all the legos, pick up all the books, pick up all the stuffed animals, etc.

The book "Organizing for ADHD" has some great tips on how to set up the room so that it is easier to clean and more likely to stay clean. Minimizing the amount of stuff is key, as is using thing like open bins that are easy to put things into.

Good Luck!