Elusive intimate friendship

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Hey all,

I posted this under Love and Dating because I consider friendship a kind of love or even dating. To me, the best kind of friendship is one where you really feel connected to people and understood. Unfortunately I have found this rare and fleeting.

Quick bio, I've gotten to almost 30 before realizing I have some Aspergers-like traits:
- SLI (Specific language impairment, especially understanding spoken english/reading comprehension)
- Difficulty "reading" people until it's too late (upon which I sense I am being mocked for my responses)
- Fixation on specific interests and data-dumping on whoever will listen

While I don't seem to have a problem "getting" friends (I'm extraverted,) I find it extremely difficult to keep and develop friendships.

I do have one friendship with a girl who I've known always, I think she is also "Aspie". We get along really well because we can be very direct with one another (anything else in a relationship is really uncomfortable for me, if prolonged. #faking) I almost feel like it is this need for bluntness that has challenged and destroyed many of my other relationships. It's almost like you get to a point with most NT's where it becomes, "Ok, I have a secret to let you in on, I need to give and receive total honesty" then they run away...

Any thoughts? Experiences? Feedback?

Thanks guys.

One thing that I think is interesting about friendships is that gauging closeness and their interest in personal matters can be difficult. People can be friendly with someone, and like them, but not necessarily want to be very close or involved with their lives. Joking is fine, so is talking about interests, but personal problems are completely off the table. Some Aspies and Autistics are like this. I'm not entirely sure what distinguishes friends who people want to get close to versus friends people just want to spend time with in some cases.

I've also noticed that some people are just uncomfortable with secrets and personal problems. They don't know what to say when they hear about them, or how to be comforting. So they might say nothing at all or avoid it. Then again, maybe some just don't care enough and don't want to deal with it. I've met people who are happy to complain but never happy to listen.

I consider friendship and love completely separate, though, and am very wary of that line of thinking. I've had enough "friends" who get upset when one doesn't become the other. What I feel is what I feel, I don't do coyness and waiting for months for the big reveal of my true feelings.

Hm, as an introvert I generally struggle both forming and maintaining a friendship. Honestly, a good friend is like the holy grail in my eyes, something rare and possibly unobtainable. At this stage I have not had the honour of any friend, nothing, for six years. Haha, data-dumping is a problem here too. I once was extremely hurt by a guy I liked who abruptly cut me off as I went to say something (hand held in front of my face and everything) saying he 'didn't want a lecture'. Too bad. I just wish there were an easier way to make good, decent friends, who don't consider one's friendship some kind of disposable currency, that outside in their real world holds no value. Perhaps it is over-cautious, but at this stage I am extremely reserved around strangers and won't bother to connect if the other party doesn't make a move. The irony is that I do get a lot of looks when I'm out and about, plus the odd random conversationalist. I know relationships of all kinds are not binary: good or bad, but perhaps it is a matter of knowing when one is ready to reach out.

Maybe it's the extraversion, I really don't have a problem disclosing any information to friends. I have been accused of not having a filter actually. I know what you mean tho, I have known Aspies that don't like to discuss personal things at all, but I think that may be more about emotional development and conditioning from youth. I have emotions, I was always encouraged to express them and I'm happy to share those feeling-thoughts with others. I just don't always care about others emotions like I should, or so I'm told.



Hm, well, unfortunately there is only 1 word for love in English, but there are many ways of feeling or showing love. When it comes to girls, my policy is to let them know almost immediately if I like (like, like like) them. It's sort of a Japanese way of doing things, but I do it this way because I can't play the normal game. Being yourself with an intellectual disability is so much less punishing than pretending to be something else and facing the reprecusions with the played parties find out that your just a great actor. And also, I would want the girl to do the same for me, just tell me you like me! The guesswork there is so frustrating because there is no black and white signs for me to read. In most cases, these girls I have love-confessed to have been NTs, so, they are shocked, flattered, but I just think it's not romantic enough for them. Fair enough, I could never give that slow reveal romance anyways, tried, I have no idea how to pull it off, I just ended up looking weird and stiff.

So, the existing girl knows we are just friends. When it comes to guys, I have a similar honesty aproach to asking for their friendship and showing care, but, it either doesn't stick or they think I'm gay. *facepalms Soooo frustrating.

Very real, very similar to my experience. THANK YOU!! !! !!

Do you ever feel like your just constantly waiting for something good to happen? I mean, it does almost feel unobtainable. I have done the work like you, but I refuse to stop trying because maybe it will never work but if I keep trying there is a chance. But you know how it is, you go out of your way, your friendly, you make an effort to connect with people and then... No texts, no calls, maybe occasionally. This is why I related this topic to dating, because if someone enjoys you as a person, you think that mutual interest would be incentive to reach out back to you. To be like, hey! I need to call X! They're really awesome and my day isn't complete without talking to them!

I loved the Big Bang Theory episode, The Friendship Algorithim. If any of you guys look it up on YouTube, you'll find the flow-chart scene. I cried with joy and sadness at how familiar that scene felt to my efforts.

I know I'm not a loser, but when you have a string of rejections that goes for years, it's hard not to believe that.

A bit of optimism is never a bad thing. It's too easy to fall into the trap of 'this is how things are, and will always be': that way lurks depression. Ah, it is annoying isn't it. Shortly before my college days I had been inducted, for want of a better word, into a small group of girls who seemed more than happy for me to hang out with them (and help them with their coursework!) I thought at the time we were all too busy with our studies to meet up weekends until I, alone, encountered all of them together in town. At least they had the decency to look awkward about it, though! I do like the Big Bang Theory - Sheldon speaks many truths.

The glass is half full! lol

Thanks for your feedback, it's always reassuring to know someone's gone through something similar. A group betrayal though, that sounds absolutely brutal. I'd have been shell shocked!

I have the impression from research that Autism is more recognized in the UK than the US. We still have plenty of "suck it up" people even amongst the open minded. I don't really blame them, there is no obligation for them to think from that perspective unless they have had Autistic family members open their understanding and compassion to it.

You're probably more open than I am. I tend to be pretty selective about it...

People might be uncomfortable talking about feelings for a variety of reasons I've seen. My family rarely talked about feelings, so I didn't learn how to at first and didn't see it as something that people commonly did or were able to do. I know some people are openly pressured by family or friends not to talk about feelings because it makes them look weak, or because others took advantage of them that way in the past.



Life would be much easier if people could be straightforward about things. Some people warm up slowly so that might surprise them as well, if they don't know someone well enough to know what to think. But it is unfortunate that close friendship and talking about emotions between men is seen as "gay", because that means men may need to rely on girlfriends to have someone to talk to.

I was homeschooled, my dad was at work most of the time. He is one of the other Asperger's people in my family. I never understood his "coldness", but once I got into the working world I figured out why he was that way pretty quick. He was bullied a lot in school when he was young. Similarly I was bullied in the workforce as an adult. Took the pain for 10 years, was successful and now I work from home. *sigh of relief*

Reacting and interacting in the public sphere (in any context where there is ambiguity about protocol) makes for constant misunderstandings and impassioned reprimands of things you didn't intend or cannot change. This made me fight or retreat inward. I think it's probably a little more natural for the extravert to fight. (FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!) lol I love war!! (When u have the blood for three empires in your veins.)



Again I think it's part of the extravert thing with me, I can see the slow reveal being an introverted thing. Extraverted autism is very aggressive and forward IMHO. So it might take people by surprise when they get to know the introvert and know something is different, but with me, people pretty much know right away, especially if I'm tired or pissed!

And yes, I am a big fan of men having good friends they can be very close with. It's something our male society lost and replaced with suspicion, homosexual paranoia ("guys hugging is gay!") and hyper-competitiveness. So, if a guy wants a close friend of the same gender, there are mountainous social norms and preconditioning to be overcome.