sexual abuse.

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Ok well, I am not feeling too comfortable saying much on this subject. However I would like to know if some other people have been in situations.
Please explain as well as you can, or send me a pm.

I will explain my experiances via pm if wished, or maybe on here if people reply on the forum.

I am very easily led, and thought maybe a lot of girls on here are.

Thank you.

Hey Grim,

If you want to talk sex abuse, I'm your girl.

It seems strange to me that yes, Aspergers have 7 times more contact with the police...but little enough is said about this paticular issue. Perhaps it is because it is also said that the disparity of male to female Asperger ratio is not because of actual disorder occurances, but because of social factors relating to the male to female realm, as well as the ways in which the disorder manifests in boys vs girls.

An obiedient, quiet, shy, socially inept, world functioning deficient female in a man's world?

Great targets for men who need just a sort of thing to maintain their anonmity while they sex abuse-or women, as has been the case.

Dealt with it a few times over my teen years... yes, I think in some ways my mistaking others intentions and all led me into situations I couldn't control easily.

Yep, I was sexually abused by my first boyfriend when I was 16.

i saw on barbara walter's show the view on hfa that 90% of females on the spectrum are sexually exploited by someone by the age of 18. temple grandin was on that show and i remember from one of her books that one of her professors in college tried to pull something with her but she just got out quickly. not eveyone is able to escape like she did. i think certain types of men understand and target the vulnerable.

Yep, I would be one of them.

I also had several incidents that could have been much, much worse than they were....
I had this idea for a long time, that I had to try not to make men upset or unhappy. I was very unable to deal with male aggression, intimidation, and coercion. it's a mindset that's taken some 15+ years to break out of.

Now, unfortunately (or not) I swing to the other extreme at times. Make it sound like I *have* to have sex, or any pressure at all? Forget it! Not tonight!

I have been thinking about the same thing lately. Whether AS makes us more vulnerable to sexual abuse and/or rape. Here are some of my thoughts.

-We have trouble discerning other people's motives. When a man approaches, we don't necessarily have that innate "danger, sleezy guy" alarm that other women might, based on his body language, eye movements, and subtleties of speech. So we end up involved with guys that are no good.

-We tend to have low self esteem. We've been different all our lives, most likely bullied, haven't had many close friends, and probably haven't had many (if any) boyfriends. When a guy comes along and acts like prince charming, he's got us. Even if he's just putting on an act. All we want is to feel loved, and he knows it.

-We don't tend to have a lot of close friends. Other women might bring a guy to meet her friends and they all tell her that he's bad news and help her get away from him. But if we don't have that support network, we are more vulnerable. That's one of the major aspects of domestic violence and abuse, is that they limit contact with others as a mechanism of control.

-If we didn't have any boyfriends when we were younger, we missed out on experimenting with relationships and developing appropriate boundaries. We don't know how things are supposed to go, so we let the guy take the lead and he takes it as far as he wants.

-Because of the issues here, this can create confusion. We may get stuck in relationships that are technically abusive, even if he isn't hitting us. We may be confused about how to leave, because the abuser is manipulative and we can't see through the lies.

-Another issue about confusion is the physical aspect. If all we really want is love, and he's fulfilling that emotional need, do we feel like we can't say no? Or like there's nothing we can do if we say no and he goes ahead anyway? It can get complicated about what is or isn't rape.

-Is there a different standard for determining what is rape for women with AS? Should there be? Some people can be considered to be so impaired that they cannot give consent. Do the above issues murk up the issue of consent?

This is a fairly new song by Casting Crowns that's been on the radio. It's really affected me. I was involved in an abusive relationship and raped several times over the course of a few months. During that time, I was desperate for friendship and love. I was going to church, but was not a believer, simply looking for love anywhere I thought I might find it. This song sums a lot of it up. Oh, and I finally got away from the guy, and found the love of Jesus. (Not trying to convert anybody, but it's been great for me.) Several years later, I'm starting to deal with all of it.

Does Anybody Hear Her

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away
(chorus)

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

I was sexually abused from ages 2-6 years old.

Cowlipso.

You have made some very valid points and much more eloquently than i could manage. I can especially relate to the bits about bad choices, poor communication in setting boundaries and lack of supportive network as being instrumental in my landing in abusive relationships.

i get frustrated when people say 'oh, well that could never happen to me. i would never put up with it.' well i didn't 'put up with it' but when i did ask for help i felt that i was treated shoddily by police and social services. they couldn't comprehend that i really had no friends or family that i could stay with. truth is people don't want to understand because it pains them. I would be happy to discuss this further but perhaps not in an open forum.

the first guy who was abusive evenyually got his claws into someone else and truly that was the only possible way to get out of that one. he was one scary b*st*rd tho you wouldn't think to look at him.

the second guy who was abusive that i rented a flat with. i actually physically did a runner. moved all my stuff out while he was at work one day. that was tough because we shared the same set of friends and although they knew he was a bit of a git, they didn't know the half of it. he persued me at work a little until i pointed out to him that HE owed me money.

i feel that from being fairly carefree, my trust in men is somewhat damaged. which is a shame

I was also sexually abused by a male babysitter between the ages of 9-11. Later, I ended up with an abusive ex-husband, but fortunately got out before the abuse became physical.

I have had several incidents with various people starting when I was maybe 4. Later, when i was 16..(and not mature for my age, I got into a long term relationship with a guy 5 years older than me who sorta emotionally and sexually abused me and that relationship lasted for 6 years. that relationship ended 10 years ago.


I'm doing much better now though

Me too. So naive and gullible. Want to feel safe and be loved and love, and get lied to, cheated on, led astray, etc.

The auto-trust is there. Unfortunately, the majority of people are not deserving of that kind and level of trust.

Taking things literally, like "It's okay", LOL, meant that it must be okay.

Since I am still unable to discern intentions or separate truth from lies, I do not date and I am celibate. It would have to be someone who can be trusted with that level of trust. But how will I ever know if I believe what they say?

Most of my life, it seems has been to go along with whatever was around me, unquestioningly. If I thought the people were "friends" or whatever. Other people I didn't understand. I didn't understand the "friends" either, but certainly friends wouldn't hurt each other, right? Hah!

I'm hoping to deal with it all somehow. Talking doesn't seem to help. I have problems with understanding, so that affects any talking about it.

I'd hoped that getting away from various abuse individuals would help. But there's another predator right around the corner, and there must be a sign on my forehead that flashes TARGET, so they know to zero in.

I haven't been entirely innocent in the past (All before the age of 18 ) but I never knew how to say no and most of the time I did things even if I did not want to. It was some weird sort of way that I thought would get me accepted but of course it only did the opposite. I had a completely warped view of what I had to do in order to be like everybody else. I did do some things because I was threatened if I did not so I am guessing that is abuse is some form. My step-dad's friend tried to hit on me when I was 15. He did back off and I was able to tell him no. He was very non-aggressive and friendly and I believe that is the only reason I was able to say no.

I never initiated anything until I was a little older and had a "steady" boyfriend.

I can't go into detail but if you have any questions I will try a little more to clarify what I said.

I was molested once. There were elements of physical assault in it, I guess (I was shoved down and pinned rather forcefully - I did struggle, of course. He hit me). I was young - five or six - and it was done in a rather public place... Ha, there was a "friend" of mine who was there; he wouldn't help, only watch. To this day, I still don't understand why he wouldn't even say anything... He was right there. That was actually what hurt the worst... When it was over, I picked myself up and walked away; I take care of myself.

I'm wary now, and I will fight back if I have to. I didn't know how then.

(There... I've never admitted/talked about it before, ever. I didn't even tell my family...)

Stalked and molested more times than I can count throughout my entire life, came excruicatingly close to rape when I was 7. Because of that incident as a young child, and being raised in a family of boys, I think my subconscious said, "So, this is what a guy can do to me. Fine. I'll play their game and beat them all at it."

Now, I've been trained lightly in five different styles of martial arts, (Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Do, Karate, and Jujitsu) but could beat the crap out of an untrained assailant if I wanted to. I intimidate most guys because I'm rather tall and brawn.

What I find interesting is the comments my family will make sometimes, for example, "You've never liked municipal governments, you're such an anarchist." I have never trusted the police or the judiciary system, likely because I was taught more to fear them than to respect them. I am not prone to trust anyone, not my school, family, or church. My own bishop (leader of the congregation) lied to my parents about a sexually abusive situation I had been in, and I quickly lost all trust for what is supposed to be a source of refuge in my religion.

Distrust is a lonely place, but it's a fairly safe place.