How to not feel sad when my girlfriend doesn't message me

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Robben
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12 Dec 2016, 10:23 pm

We have been together for three weeks and so far its been good but sometimes we don't talk to each other for a few hours and it makes me start getting sad and anxious. Most of the time we message each other at least once every two hours. It has rarely been any longer than that without messaging, but once it has been 4-5 hours I start to feel a bit depressed. I did not have this problem in past relationships. I just have these different feelings for this girl that I have never felt for my previous girlfriends and I have been thinking about her a lot recently. We are both clingy but she is clingier and even brags about it sometimes, I am pretty surprised that she isn't the one with this problem. At the same time though I kind of like not talking to her cause it is helping me to become less clingy.



kraftiekortie
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12 Dec 2016, 10:30 pm

Give yourself, and her, a little break.

If you continue texting each other every two hours, the relationship will probably fizzle.

As they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."



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12 Dec 2016, 10:33 pm

That seems a little too frequent, of course I am not big on talking on the phone or text conversations so I've never texted someone that often. Anyways 4-5 hours probably isn't anything to worry about...I'd be more concerned if its been longer than a day. I mean realistically I imagine it will get draining eventually to text so frequently, I can't imagine you and her are going to want to always be glued to your phones whenever your not physically together to text each other.

I'd say for not feeling sad, it would be best to distract yourself with another activity if you start getting worried about that.


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nick007
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13 Dec 2016, 8:14 pm

I had that problem in all 3 of my relationships. I'm a clingy person & thankfully my current girlfriend is pretty clingy too. Getting on anxiety & OCD medication helped me not feel anxious when I don't hear from her for a while. I also tell myself that she's either busy or sleeping. As for not feeling sad, like Sweetleaf said distracting myself helps. There's things I like to do that I don't do much(or as much) when my girlfriend is around or when we're texting alot cuz I'm too distracted. We've been living together for over 4 years now thou so that's probably some of it too. It was worse in the beginning of our relationship.


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ninagrrl
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16 Dec 2016, 2:42 pm

I have a similar issue but it is with physical intimacy. If we go longer than a week without it I start to get paranoid that my partner doesn't desire me... even when logically there is legitimate reason for that, even with verbal reassurance from her.... it's like I crave her and without my "fix" I get depressed. My best guess for myself is that because I don't pick up on her subtle flirtations, I only feel loved when I'm string up a response of oxytocin, that wonderful little love drug you feel during intimacy. For NT relationships the subtle flirting in between is enough reassurance but for me, it ends up being all or nothing. I found it easier to deal with after I explained it to my partner and now all I have to do is tell her I'm lonely and she turns up the affection and verbal reassurance which helps. I can now go a week and a half before this will happen now but it used to be after 3 or 4 days. Aknowledgment, acceptance and honesty. I don't get more sex out of the deal but I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. Don't know if that helps or not.



AngryAngryAngry
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17 Dec 2016, 9:50 pm

Your NUMBER 1 priority in life should be your focus.
That is a goal or three. Not your girlfriend. You'll end up driving her away.

When you have had a busy day focusing on your goals, then you'll be happy to sit down and chat to her about it, or at least have something interesting to tell her.
It might seem counter intuitive, but people don't want what they have, and they want what they don't have. Currently she has you totally, and your value to her is dropping fast - she has no reason to earn your affection. She can become lazy and indifferent, because it won't matter; If she broke up with you, she could get back together the very next day. You are like a wet puppy.
I know it sounds harsh, I'm not trying to be mean. But just want you to save yourself - before she does lose interest or is repelled by you. :heart:



goldfish21
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21 Dec 2016, 12:12 am

Be present. Focus your thoughts on what you're doing in the moment vs. worrying about her messages.

As others have said, way, way too frequent. It's beyond clingy. It's obsessive.

The worst I do when I haven't had a reply to a message/question for several hours or a day or so is assume I've annoyed or offended him. But then I remind myself he has a life, work, friends, family, and other things to do besides reply to my question. Same with me if I'm unable to spend time chatting due to other obligations. My irrational worry thoughts are pretty minimal & momentary, though, certainly within normal range and not a time consuming productivity killing stressful problem.

So far 100% of the time he's taken longer than I may have to reply to something it's been because he was busy with something else, nothing I've said or done. I've never expressed any sort of anxious thought to him. They just cross my mind, I tell myself I shouldn't worry as he's not so sensitive as to be bothered by anything I've said or done and to just be patient and not message him again until I hear a reply. It's a bit of a negotiation technique.. "he who speaks first, loses." Sure, this is meant to apply to business deals.. but the same goes for relationships. If you send repeat nagging messages, you're going to annoy them and lose. Wait patiently for a reply and you've won the reaction you were seeking in your communication. They haven't necessarily "lost" anything, unless you're arguing maybe, but you've won controlling power over the conversation.


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28 Dec 2016, 7:13 pm

I have experience in dealing with the frustration that comes with not hearing from someone you love for a while. I have an intense infatuation with a girl who is a good long-distant friend of mine, and we text quite frequently, usually at least every few days or so. During periods when we go longer without texting, I become incredibly frustrated and start to feel as though she's forgetting about me.

The trouble with this, is that I knew, logically, in my head that this wasn't the case - but ended up acting on it anyway. Sometime about a year and a half ago I became so frustrated that I ended up taking it out on her, and blaming her for it. It was the very first time we argued about something. Once I cooled off, I felt incredibly guilty for letting myself get like that. Luckily, she forgave me, and we're still very good friends until this day, and we still text a lot.

Moral of the story: It's okay to feel frustrated, but it is NOT okay to act on those feelings if you know that the rationale behind them is illogical and unwarranted. I know this is easier said than done. Here are some things that can help:

Read back through all the conversations you've already had, and let them remind you of how much your girlfriend appreciates you. She's taken this much time to continue texting you, and has probably said things that mean a lot. Remind yourself of those things, and fondly look forward until the next time she texts you.

It sounds like a cliche, but you would also benefit from finding something else to focus on. If you can't be texting your girlfriend, what could you be doing instead? Go out and do something interesting, and when your girlfriend texts you again, you can tell her all about it. :D