Eye Contact

Post Reply New Topic

I was talking about this the other day and it occurred to me that a lot people on the spectrum, put a lot of pressure on themselves, (I certainly have) trying to maintain, what we think is appropriate/normal eye contact.
Wanting to fit in is normally the motivation for this, but what if 'normal' eye contact, isn't really that normal, or even healthy?
I know very little about primate eye contact, but i am pretty sure that within primate interaction, eye contact is often perceived as a threat. Obviously not all eye contact is considered a threat, but the degree to which humans exhibit eye contact, would not be appropriate in many primate or within other animal social interactions.
So why is keeping eye contact such a human preoccupation, and not just among people on the spectrum, but also with NT's, especially in certain job situations, such as sales for example?
Is eye contact, in the way human society generally performs it a good thing, or has it become a kind of fetish, where its supposed merits, are not in harmony with how we should live?
Several possible reasons for the preoccupation with giving 'correct' eye contact that come to mind. If you stare back at someone, it could be interpreted, that you are not afraid, are confident, and not submissive. How much of this however is a perversion of real feelings in order to signal that you feel these specific things. Is this a truthful way of communicating, or is it a perceived shortcut adopted by society to mask and cover up actual feelings? Feelings which may be way more complex than the limited 'everything is OK' eye contact.
If i am very comfortable, i may make eye contact for a long period of time, and not even notice i am doing it. Usually its if i like and am interested in what what someone is saying. I am not consciously at least, trying to communicate something to them, my eyes have just wandered to theirs without thinking about it. I wonder is this is perhaps the state, that when we are making eye contact in everyday situations, such as the work place, or in common social situations, that we are seeking to emulate, the intimacy that can occur between people who are engaged in their conversations.
If this is the case, the keenness which people try to emulate that intimacy, is something of lie. I know that lying is an integral part of social interaction amongst not only humans, but many animals. I have watched a monkey for example, innocently pretend that there were no bananas which she had just been guzzling, as soon as another monkey appeared, so that she could continue eating when he left.
I think contact among humans has a lot to do with deception, of sometimes, not wanting to offend, and thus imitating real intimacy, so the situation doesn't become awkward. Many times i have been bored stiff or feel awkward with what someone is telling me, but feel i have to maintain the polite eye contact. I work in retail, so this has happened a lot.
I think that the eye contact social dance, is in fact often based on deception, this has in some ways freed things up for me. I don't feel as pressured as i did, i am more aware of the artificiality of it, and i feel more comfortable, looking away, when i feel like it.

Dogs pick up human emotion by using the same innate ability NT rely on. Eye contact is uncomfortable for me. At one point I attempted to force it but it was unnatural to me.

I am not sure any more what "normal" eye contact is anymore.
Especially as i have read in a recent evaluation about myself is that my eye contact is extremely intense and forced.

I figure in some circumstances, perhaps where our primitive primate or reptilian brain is involved,
intense eye contact can be used in a predatory way. to intimidate prey but also can be used as foreplay as staring someone in the eye intensely can be for some a turn on.

I think that my intense eye contact may be the reason why i have started relationships with some past girl friends. Not because my communication skills are particularly good, but because my intense eye contact was a turn on (although more so years ago when i was younger and hadn't been broken by life).

I wouldn't worry too much yourself. From the photo's you have posted, i think that you likely have or will have potential partners cuing up to be your next partner.

Still, interesting debate. Perhaps there are articles on this area that you can read up on.
Some psychologists and psychiatrists do studies and trials in all sorts of areas of research with some
amazing observations and findings.

Psychology Today is one site that has loads of articles in all sorts of areas.
As well as medline-plus.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/search/ ... %20contact

I remember when I was about 6 or 7 my mom made the point that people in out family always made eye contact. It was at the point I realized that I didn't.

I look at people's mouth. It seems to be close enough to get by, but I cannot handle look into someones eyes unless I feel very close to them.

Having a child in my lap and if they look me in the eye or get too close to my face, it is physically painful.

I hate talking to someone if I can't see their face, which is one of the reasons I don't like talking on the phone, but it's their whole expression I'm interested in, because of what it tells me about how they're reacting to what I'm saying.

The obsession specifically with "eye contact" seems to be something else entirely. I don't really understand why it's such a big deal. It's easily faked, so it's not reliable feedback.

Anyway, for whatever reason, people expect it, but it doesn't come naturally to me and I have to remind myself to do it. What I've found, though, is that remembering to do it isn't nearly as important as remembering to stop

I love eyes. I think they're by far the most beautiful part of the human body. At the same time, I struggle with eye contact too. For the longest time I didn't even realize I actively avoided eye contact until I saw a kid with autism on some TV program looking away from the people he was talking to and I was like "why is he doing that", but then I realized "wait a second, that's what I do too". Since then I've become much better at maintaining it but it still doesn't feel... Right. With people I haven't built a mutual trust with I feel like an animal being scouted for lunch by a predator. I agree that it probably is a learned thing among humans that isn't really natural.

I stare at peoples' chins instead of their eyes. Since I'm shorter than most people, they often don't notice that I'm not quite looking all the way up at their eyes.

I avoid eyecontact completely. It's just too hard for me.

I've heard the point made that the importance placed on eye contact is purely cultural, and that other societies, particularly Japan, a great deal of eye contact is considered extremely rude. It's not an innate human behavior, it's just another social ritual that we have trouble parsing

I have had relatives and friends ask me straight up if they bore me because of lack of my effort to make eye contact. My guess from those experiences is that NT's view it as a part of body language and use it to read you or empathize with you. It sucks having to assure others that I'm not disinterested in them, but it still beats the intense stress of making eye contact for more than a split second.

I actually cant make eye contact, aside from being unnatural i also cant look at a person and listen at the same time. I can only do one or the other, its easier for me to stare off into the distance and focous on what the person is saying. I dont feel the need to make eye contact at all, i dont believe in it.

It's hard for me to tell if I'm just afraid of eye contact or if other people also avoid making it with me. I know that I turn all red if I make it at all and feel naked/ashamed/etcetera, so I avoid it. But recently I've noticed I haven't even had opportunities to make eye contact (because nobody seems to look at me)?

There is a wide variation in reactions to eye contact between species, and also between human cultures. In North American mainstream society, some eye contact is usually expected, but staring can be rude. Robert Persig noted that all teachers are encouraged to make eye contact, but none explain why. He speculated that a mild hypnosis helped to focus attention for the student. I usually look near the eyes but not at them, or leave my own unfocussed. Looking into eyes can be extremely intense, but sometimes it just gives a sense of ongoing agreement.

I couldn't make eye contact with anyone - not even family or friends - for as long as I can remember (so likely the first 18 years of my life) and no one ever tried to help me with it. But recently I noticed that I had been doing it occasionally with one friend ( my best friend ) over the past couple of months. Now I see a therapist about it because I know there is hope that I don't have to live the rest of my life like this. I've been having therapy for 1 month so far and I can now making glancing eye contact (eye contact for a split second) with some people and I look closer to peoples' faces in day-to-day life.

I hope one day it will come naturally to me

I know I don't look people in the eye. I will talk to them but be looking away. It must be odd for them because even though I do it I realize I am expecting eye contact from them. But now that I am older if I make an effort to make myself look I can. I know this has probably affected me at jobs because no contact means I am "rude".

After reading this post I decided to pay attention to eyes more at dinner last night. I end up watching my dinner guest's eye. He has two but I only managed to look at one. It just seemed to roll around in the socket like a blue marble. It was kinda interesting but not particularly helpful and may have contributed to me hitting my social limit at about an hour and a half. Eye contact isn't my thing at all though I can do it when I need to. It is a very strange custom, nearly as strange as shaking hands.