Husband leaving me to deal with son's diagnosis alone

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My son (now 26 months) was diagnosed with ASD when he was 19 months. Although my husband accepts the diagnosis and isn't in denial that my son has ASD, he has left me to deal of all aspects of dealing with our son's diagnosis on my own.

I was the one to call EI when our son was 16 months old and felt something was "off". I was the one who researched and vetted developmental psychologists and made and attended the appointments to get our son diagnosed. I was the one who met with social workers to find resources to help pay for therapies, and have since made and attended every therapy appointment on my own. I have made and attended every single doctor appointment (hearing and vision tests, genetic testing, standard pediatrician visits) alone. I am the only one who has done any reading and any research about ASD. I am the main breadwinner (though my husband does work) and had to put my advancing and promising career on hold to take a position where I could work from home to have the flexibility to handle all of our son's appointments and needs... and frankly I feel like I'm one step away from getting myself fired in the process. I can't quit and stay home with our son because my husband barely makes above minimum wage and frankly, his complete lack of action and interest in dealing with ANYTHING ASD-related frankly makes me feel as if I couldn't trust him to stay home with our son anyway.

I have brought this up to my husband three times now. The first time I mentioned it, he promised me he would start helping. I gave him the task of gathering our financial paperwork to send to the county as part of our MA application. A month later the county contacted me asking where the paperwork was... when I asked my husband about it, he said "he forgot". The second time I brought it up to him, he said he likes to take things "day by day" and that I worry too much. Tonight was the third time I have brought it up, and this time his response was, "Why don't you just divorce me then?"

I am at my wits end. I don't want a divorce, but I am becoming really resentful that I have to handle all of the "adulting" when it comes to handling our son's ASD, paying the bills, and running the household, while my husband justs gets to come home from a day at work (while I also worked a full day, got my son on and off the bus to school, and shuttled him to a therapy appointment) and play with our son for an hour while I cook dinner.

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just a place to vent... has anyone else been in this position?

I'm not a mother myself but I can imagine what your going through is extremely difficult. Your husband is behaving in a way which is very childish and if he is refusing to take an equal load in dealing with his son he is not being a very good father. He may be scared because he has never encountered anything like this before, but he has to remember that your little boy comes before everything else. I hope things get better for you and yours and best of luck

I see three possible explanations:

1) Your husband is a bit ASD himself and is struggling with things like paperwork.
2) Your husband is not well, and is for some reason not on top of things.
3) Your husband is a child, who is trying to get out of the marriage, because he didn't understand the "in sickness and in health" part of the marriage vows. If he wants a divorce, there is little you can do about that.

I think you guys need to sit down and talk in a civilised manner about what is going on.

There is something about your dynamic.....you said you "gave him the task" of paperwork. Did you tell him to do it, or did you guys agree on it together, or did he volunteer?

A piece of hard won advice: you can be the "hard working one" in the marriage, and your husband can be "the lazy one". The better you feel about being better than him, the faster the marriage goes downhill. You need to know if you can accept each other and work out some solution, or if you're better off on your own.

Sorry, this is very Aspie advice, maybe all you wanted was sympathy. It's hard to take care of a marriage when your kid takes all you attention.

Emotional Labour: The MetaFilter Thread Condensed

The above is a really long read, but I found it incredibly enlightening and informative about relationship and family dynamics in regards to emotional labour. The things you talk about in your OP that you have done to get help and support for your son since realising he was different, that is emotional labour--recognising that something needs doing and help is needed in the relationship or in the family, and then making the arrangements and getting it done. Your husband should probably read the google document at that link as well if you can convince him to read it, because it is his responsibility as an adult in an adult relationship to do his fair share of the emotional labour. He may need help to learn what emotional labour is (because culturally speaking--and generalising to a certain extent--men don't get the same training in this regard that women do) and how to pull his weight, but it needs to be done nevertheless.

Obviously, the guy's not stepping up to the plate.

In a nutshell.

He's not stepping up to the plate. That's for sure. And if it was him on this board, I'd probably give him an earful of unwelcomed advice.

But he's not here, the OP is. One thing I have to say to you is that you have taken on the role of CEO in this situation. Your husband then has no-where to be but an underling. That's not cool. Nobody likes to feel like a subordinate in their own home.

I wonder if he's got some kind of sub-conscious expectation that the mother should take care of all things baby. But you did play into this by taking on that role. i hear that you can't simply let go of the boss role. Getting care for your son is too important.

I would suggest, well first obviously you need some couples therapy, stat. Threatening to break up a relationship is a huge red flag, even if he "didn't mean it." But secondly, its time to sit down in a neutral way and divvy up house hold responsibilities in a way that works for both of you. Maybe he'll take on more care of your son. Maybe he'd rather do the dishes every night so that you have more time to do so yourself. But it needs to be respectful and it needs to be fair to all parties. *This is not easy to do when tensions are high. That's why you do the therapy first.

I thought it was just me going through this. Fortunately (I think) I have the privilege of staying home with my children so it certainly affords me more time to do all of this advocating. It doesn't mean I'm any less frustrated to be doing all the reading, watching the lectures, calling the therapists, arranging the groups, etc. I'm the one lying awake in bed for HOURS, neglecting my "work" in the house, because my 4 year old can't sleep and stims all night keeping himself up unless I hold him. I'm the one explaining to the preschool teacher that he's late again because he slept 4 hours the night before and I couldn't bear to wake him. I'm the one making two dinners because the first one wound up on the floor because it was "too squishy". I'm awake all night reading and worrying. I'm the one that used to bake all of our gluten-, dairy-, egg-free food. I'm the one that got hit in the face when my son melted down over not getting a hot pocket because his idiot dad thinks it's acceptable food. I'm the one who will be driving an hour for 12 weeks of ABA with my son and toddler daughter. And he can't even pick up a book!! !

Then you get crap like this: "One thing I have to say to you is that you have taken on the role of CEO in this situation. Your husband then has no-where to be but an underling. That's not cool. Nobody likes to feel like a subordinate in their own home."

I don't know about the OP, but I NEVER WANTED TO BE THE CEO! I'm only taking this role because I'm the only one who will do anything. Doesn't being treated like a servant feel like being an underling? I feel like I'm an unpaid, undocumented slave in my own home. He feels like an underling? Aw, that's sad. Too bad there is stuff to get done and mom's like me and OP don't have time to feel sorry for ourselves because we're too busy getting everything done alone. My son needs care, and damn it, I'm going to make sure he gets it, even if I don't get a paycheck for this intense stuff.

OP, at least you have a paycheck. I'm sure you recognize in this society that if you don't earn actual green, cash-money, no one cares what you do.

You know, PhantasmBear, that the reason we are saying this stuff is that the OP specifically states she doesn't want a divorce.

Something about the language rings a warning bell. Not because I think the OP is a bad person, but because I think she and her husband have a fragile relationship. The way you express yourself is different. You are just talking about how you feel.

Of course it isn't right for a marriage to work like this. There are crappy fathers out there. Sometimes it's easier to go on alone than to drag dead weight around. Sometimes people work out their differences over time. Certainly, toddlerhood is rough on all marriages.

Yes, but the reason that they have a fragile relationship right now is not because the OP has "made herself CEO", it is because her husband is obviously one of the men in our culture that got the clear message that he doesn't need to contribute much in the way of emotional labour in their marriage because "emotional labour is women's work"--this is not to blame the husband (he probably is either partially or completely unaware of the imbalance in their marriage because emotional labour isn't even on his radar as a necessary function of personal interaction because it's never HAD to be on his radar) or the wife in this situation, it puts the blame on how we raise our girls different from our boys and how we do our boys a disservice in the way we raise them by not instructing them in the importance of emotional labour and how to perform it in relationships to make them last and be healthy in the same way and to the same extent that we train our girls as we raise them. This is a leftover sexist attitude in our culture that we need to get rid of by raising both our sons AND our daughters in the understanding that emotional labour is the responsibility of every human being who lives among other human beings, to make interpersonal relationships work and to make society function as a whole, and to educate ALL children on what emotional labour is and how to do it.

I amn't a parent, so, no, I haven't been in your position.

But, I would suggest that you recruit every member of your family, friends, neighbors and church members to help out. Some will, some won't but you will be in a better position than if you try to "go it alone." There is no need to tell them more than you feel comfortable with. Just telling them about your son's various examinations will be enough truth to convince them to help out. Yes, your husband might return, but you should find some people you can count on in your life. And, of course, check in with us Wrong Planetians. We will always be here for you.

Been there too. My hubs never threw out the D word and would die if I did. I also worked part time so had a check, but he was the main breadwinner.

I think the CEO comment is partially on target, but not on tone. I also don't think it's the primary problem. That being said, men, as a gross generalization, have problems with things that they can't control. You earn more, are the mommy so are probably closer to the kid at this age (that's typically how is is for young children), know more about autism, etc. He may be feeling powerless, which is death for most men. Add on to that the fact that his precious child has been diagnosed with this highly stigmatized condition, and he may be feeling embarrassed as well (apple/tree, pride of loins, etc).

None of this is your fault. None. BUT - fault doesn't matter all that much in a marriage. If you play the fault game, you may end up divorced. Self-righteous and justified, but still divorced and absolutely doing everything on your own. If that's not where your head is, then you have to get your psychologist hat on and help him figure out what the hell is going on with him.

Other options - if he hadn't said the D word, threats could be an option. But, if you think he might really walk away, that would be a bad gambit.

It things get really bad, you could remind him that he'd still have to pay child support if he left. Not that much fun on a minimum wage salary. It's cheaper to stay together. And if he loves his kids, he'll also want to see them more than he would in a joint custody situation. That's a defcon 1 tactic, though.

If you really want to fight for this marriage, you're going to have to put on your gloves and use every single tactic available to your clearly very intelligent brain. Not fair. At. All. But very real.

I understand your situation. Your husband probably wouldn't have helped if you had NT kid either. Some men were raised where their moms did all of this, so now they expect the wife to do it all. I think he is probably overwhelmed by the situation though, combined with not caring that much. If your kid had a bleeding wound, he'd probably take care of it ASAP. But because this is just boring appointments and talking and such, he's being lazy. I also think he's probably ASD. The only advice I have is do the best you can and try to relax. If you need to cancel appointments for a month or two, and it won't cause any big problems, then do it. Save yourself and your sanity. When you're not angry, sit down and talk to your husband about it.

I've got a long-term partner and an ex-husband and they're both pretty much like this. I had to work one day and my partner was forced to take my son to his counselor appointment. I think that helped, because he got to feel a little more involved.

Your situation was pretty much mine to the t, with the exception that my husband has a good paying job, and I had 2 kids with issues.

Many years ago, I was in your shoes, my daughter's (2 then, 11 now) diagnosis was new, my son's (6 then 15 now) diagnosis was new, and I was the one left in charge of all of it, even though I was also working. I also did everything around the house. It sucked...and I eventually left for 2 years--with the kids when they were 6 and 10--because he would not move to a suitable school district to get the services my kids needed. That sucked even more, because then I had to pay for childcare on top of everything else, and i was really alone because we had two separate households and I was a 45 minute drive from anyone I knew. He eventually followed, and by that point the kids were older and needed less. I still don't understand why it was like this. I am the one who is neuro-atypical, not him. He's generally a responsible person. He loves his kids. I can't tell you why it happened. I stopped trying to figure it out.

What I can tell you is that, at least for me, focusing on how it was not fair did not help me. I know that probably sounds cold, but I was in survival mode, so I needed to do what I needed to do to survive. So I stayed focused only on what was best for my kids. I survived by pouring myself into meeting the needs of my kids. That included keeping things civil between their dad and I. It was a lot of sacrifice on my part, and my career was temporarily derailed, but looking back, I would not have done anything differently. I am very happy with where we are all now, my career included. My kids are thriving and I know that it is largely because of me...because of everything I did. I don't mean that in a braggy kind of way. I mean it in the kind of way that it was all worth it. Any sacrifice would be worth it for my kids. It has left me with a sense of inner strength and ability that I may not have otherwise had. I know that I am stronger than I ever thought. I know I can persevere through adversity. I know that I can act in a completely selfless way for an extended period of time. IOW, this experience helped me grow and made me a better person.

You will have to decide what is best for you and your family. I am not claiming that my way is the only or best way. One thing that helped me is that I would set a timer for 30 minutes. For 30 minutes, I could cry, rage, throw myself a pity party, think about how it was unfair and my husband was a jerk... really wallow in it. When the timer went off, I put all of that back on the shelf, put my big girl panties on, and focused myself on what I needed to do FOR MY KIDS. Focusing on my kids got me through it.

Sorry you are facing this. I know how much it sucks.

I am not saying it is easy. It is hard. But the outcome is worth it.

It isn't about bean counting, but ideally there is some kind of balance. I am lucky in that my husband does the things I am too tired (emotionally and otherwise) to do-- plus he also works. We both have executive functioning issues, but they are different, so we are lucky in that what needs to be done gets done by somebody.

It could be with the OP, that she is good with things like keeping track of deadlines and tasks but her husband can do the work of collecting the information and other things. If so, then they need to have a talk where she tells him that it isn't about who is the boss, but who can do what. If he thinks that keeping track of tasks makes her the boss, he needs to look at it a different way. Instead of being CEO she can be Project Manager or something. It doesn't matter. She can't do everything, and I suspect her husband is not capable of doing certain things at all. He needs to understand that she is too tired to do everything because there is simply too much. It isn't just about fairness, it is also about just getting the stuff done--which she can't effectively do on her own.

That may involve her reminding him of deadlines and that kind of thing--and yes--that also counts as emotional work b/c she has to stay on top of that, but it has to be done if he can't do it. The harder part is to not make it sound like nagging, especially if she is resentful, she has too much already to do. But, usually the reminders are better than doing everything yourself or having it not done.

As far as the divorce references, I don't know. I don't know if he is trying to weasel out of things, or he just feels exasperated; or if that is he wants b/c he thinks it will let him off the hook. If he mentions it, again, I would make sure he understands that divorce is not a "get out of responsibility free card" He is still going to be responsible for stuff including child care. Could he weasel out of it, yeah, in practice, yes, as long as he pays child support--but I would let him know you are really not amenable to that solution--and likely it will just mean more work for both of you.

In my family, I am the one forgets to send things in, puts appointments in the Google calendar on the wrong day, and finds certain kinds of organization, the kind you need lots of to fill out the typical government form, almost impossibly hard.

I hate it. I wish I was not like this. At times it has driven me to despair and deep depression. But all the wishing in the world doesn't change a thing. There is nothing to be done but cultivate courage and effort, and recognize that things will not always go as planned. Sometimes, when the way ahead is blocked, you have to go around, or under, or over--even though the "normal" way is to go through.

Before I understood that this was all part of autism, I used to be very hard on myself for failing to be someone else. I also avoided dealing with the fact that I really had problems. I tried to hide them from everybody, including myself. When people pushed up against that, I would go to extreme lengths to justify my actions.

There is a lot I can do and I do that. My wife was not ready to hear it when the school wanted our son to be assessed, so I took him alone. We both had a hard time accepting the diagnosis, but I also did all the reading and research to try to understand it--that process also resulted in my own diagnosis. but there is a lot I can't do and my wife has carried a huge burden. I know I can't really do it without her.

The only thing that really counts in the long haul is that you keep caring for each other and paying attention. If you have affectionate love and compassionate attention, seemingly insurmountable obstacles can be overcome daily. I hope things work out awell for both of you and for your son.