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What would dating be like if aspies invented it?

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Zed90230
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14 Feb 2017, 10:30 am

I think the man and the woman would each bring a pen and notepad to their first date and check off each other's desirable traits on their laundry lists... no muss, no fuss... and no silly body language nonsense to throw us off. :-D

It would be pretty funny to watch NTs falling all over themselves in a situation like that... "I-I-I didn't bring a pen or a notepad... this isn't how it's supposed to be done..." XD Yeah, not much fun when the shoe is on the other foot, is it???



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14 Feb 2017, 1:17 pm

I don't think I would have liked that approach....too mechanical, and wouldn't do much to determine if you actually have a connection. I imagine it is possible for two people to check off all the boxes but still not actually feel chemistry towards each other.

Also I forget/misplace things so I probably would have forgot the notepad or pen...


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14 Feb 2017, 1:42 pm

Dating is not how most Aspies get into relationships; the reasons tend to be highly varied though.


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14 Feb 2017, 4:05 pm

I think it would involve mainly holding hands in the library. :D


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BetwixtBetween
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14 Feb 2017, 4:13 pm

I think the man and the woman would each bring a pen and notepad to their first date and check off each other's desirable traits on their laundry lists...

I would love that. I wish that were a thing.



blackicmenace
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14 Feb 2017, 4:19 pm

Ban-Dodger wrote:
Dating is not how most Aspies get into relationships; the reasons tend to be highly varied though.


This is an interesting statement, can you please elaborate?


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14 Feb 2017, 4:28 pm

BetwixtBetween wrote:
I think the man and the woman would each bring a pen and notepad to their first date and check off each other's desirable traits on their laundry lists...

I would love that. I wish that were a thing.

In one of Charles Darwin's notebooks he put down a famous scribble about whether to marry or not marry (my theory about it appears after the text):

[Advantages of marrying:]

Children — (if it Please God) — Constant companion, (& friend in old age) who will feel interested in one, — object to be beloved & played with. — better than a dog anyhow.*– Home, & someone to take care of house — Charms of music & female chit-chat. — These things good for one’s health. — but terrible loss of time. —

My God, it is intolerable to think of spending one’s whole life, like a neuter bee, working, working, & nothing after all. — No, no won’t do. — Imagine living all one’s day solitarily in smoky dirty London House. — Only picture to yourself a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire, & books & music perhaps — Compare this vision with the dingy reality of Grt. Marlbro’ St.

[Advantages of not marrying & Disadvantages of marrying:]

Freedom to go where one liked — choice of Society & little of it. — Conversation of clever men at clubs — Not forced to visit relatives, & to bend in every trifle. — to have the expense & anxiety of children — perhaps quarelling — Loss of time. — cannot read in the Evenings — fatness & idleness — Anxiety & responsibility — less money for books &c — if many children forced to gain one’s bread. — (But then it is very bad for ones health[19] to work too much) Perhaps my wife wont like London; then the sentence is banishment & degradation into indolent, idle fool

*At the time this was written he was courting his future-wife Emma. My theory is that he actually wrote this in a teasing flirtatious manner while sitting next to her. "Better than a dog anyhow" was the point where she swatted him with her fan. :D


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slw1990
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14 Feb 2017, 8:15 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
I don't think I would have liked that approach....too mechanical, and wouldn't do much to determine if you actually have a connection. I imagine it is possible for two people to check off all the boxes but still not actually feel chemistry towards each other.

Also I forget/misplace things so I probably would have forgot the notepad or pen...


I agree. Dates usually feel unnatural enough as it is and common interests alone aren't usually what makes someone attractive imo. I feel like being able to relate to each other is more important



Last edited by slw1990 on 14 Feb 2017, 8:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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14 Feb 2017, 8:24 pm

I'm attracted to people with similar interests to me.



blackicmenace
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14 Feb 2017, 8:27 pm

I also would likely misplace the notepad or pen because I am such a disorganized person. I have never in my life been on a date. Perhaps I am the only one that has never been on a date?


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15 Feb 2017, 2:49 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm attracted to people with similar interests to me.


But wold similar interests alone be enough to form a relationship?


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rdos
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16 Feb 2017, 3:03 am

I know exactly how it works naturally. No dating, no conversations, and a lot of nonverbal communication (ND style, of course). Can be done IRL or online, but it should start IRL, because you cannot communicate nonverbally online. Online you primarily should use hints and monologue, never conversation.

Sharing interests, political views, religion or fashions has no place in ND "dating". It works best if people have no idea whatsoever about each other's social position and cultural preferences.

You also need to have a different time-perspective compared to NTs. A real ND relationship never comes about before you have known each others for several years. It shouldn't because the getting-to-know each other phase is extremely important, pleasant and essential for creating a strong attachment.



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16 Feb 2017, 3:40 am

Zed90230 wrote:
I think the man and the woman would each bring a pen and notepad to their first date and check off each other's desirable traits on their laundry lists... no muss, no fuss... and no silly body language nonsense to throw us off. :-D


In theory this is what "dating sites (and the "dating agencies" which preceded them) do.
In practice doing this well appears to be quite hard. Especially where multiple choice "match questions" are involved.



rdos
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16 Feb 2017, 3:43 am

mpe wrote:
Zed90230 wrote:
I think the man and the woman would each bring a pen and notepad to their first date and check off each other's desirable traits on their laundry lists... no muss, no fuss... and no silly body language nonsense to throw us off. :-D


In theory this is what "dating sites (and the "dating agencies" which preceded them) do.
In practice doing this well appears to be quite hard. Especially where multiple choice "match questions" are involved.


Of course. This is a technique for reducing your dating pool, and as such, has no function for NDs. We already have a small dating pool, and making it smaller will make it non-existent. Especially when dating sites focus on cultural preferences rather than neurologic difference.



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16 Feb 2017, 8:22 am

rdos wrote:
mpe wrote:
Zed90230 wrote:
I think the man and the woman would each bring a pen and notepad to their first date and check off each other's desirable traits on their laundry lists... no muss, no fuss... and no silly body language nonsense to throw us off. :-D


In theory this is what "dating sites (and the "dating agencies" which preceded them) do.
In practice doing this well appears to be quite hard. Especially where multiple choice "match questions" are involved.


Of course. This is a technique for reducing your dating pool, and as such, has no function for NDs. We already have a small dating pool, and making it smaller will make it non-existent. Especially when dating sites focus on cultural preferences rather than neurologic difference.

Given this small "dating pool" it's probably especially important to have a method of identifying these people.



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16 Feb 2017, 9:59 am

rdos wrote:
I know exactly how it works naturally. No dating, no conversations, and a lot of nonverbal communication (ND style, of course). Can be done IRL or online, but it should start IRL, because you cannot communicate nonverbally online. Online you primarily should use hints and monologue, never conversation.

Sharing interests, political views, religion or fashions has no place in ND "dating". It works best if people have no idea whatsoever about each other's social position and cultural preferences.

You also need to have a different time-perspective compared to NTs. A real ND relationship never comes about before you have known each others for several years. It shouldn't because the getting-to-know each other phase is extremely important, pleasant and essential for creating a strong attachment.


Please stop speaking for all NDs. You really think people who stuggle to read body language would date only using that?

Stop painting us all with the same brush