How to cope with finding out?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

I had been feeling off for a while so about two weeks ago I went back to therapy after suffering from "depression/anxiety" for most of my life. After talking to the therapist for a little bit she proposed to me that I might be on the spectrum. When I went home I decided to research what Asperger's really means and it became quickly clear that my therapist was correct. My entire life has never made as much sense as it does now which is a huge relief.

However, I suddenly became hyper-aware of what being on the spectrum really means. I haven't felt like leaving the house and being in social situations because I now realize how uncomfortable they make me and how much acting I've had to do in order to appear normal. I've talked to some of my friends about it but they don't seem to really understand what Aspergers mean and how heavy this actually is.

I am currently in the process of receiving a formal diagnosis but I just wanted to reach out because I feel quite alone right now and I feel as if I am grieving the life I thought I had and the life I could've had if I had known earlier. Is it normal to feel this way? There's a part of me that thinks I should just get over it and move on but I can't stop thinking about it. I want to hear more stories of those who discovered their ASD at a later age and how they felt about it and if it is common to be upset at first.

Thank You

I am in a very similar situation as you are. I am 21 years old and have been told that I probably have aspergers (about 3 months ago). And it explained everything as well. Like you, I felt both good and bad about being told about this syndrome (not officially diagnosed, but it is a work in progress). On one hand, I felt great in the fact that I actually had a name to my problem. In my mind, this means that I can read self-help books specifically on aspergers and autism in order to change my behaviors to those more defined as neurotypical. On the other hand, I realize that I cannot change the way my brain is wired and that there is no cure for autism. This left me feeling dark and depressed.

Ignorance is often bliss, but it's not usually the answer. Like, I could have never went to a psychologist, never been aware of my symptoms and gone on thinking that I was going to lead a "normal life" and that I would just figure things out like every other 'normal person'. But I would still be making the same mistakes in social situations ultimately leading me confused and upset anyways. In the end, I think knowing is a lot of the battle. But acceptance is even more important. I can know everything there is about autism and the spectrum, but if I am just angry and sad all of the time, I can never ultimately help myself live a better life because I'm just wallowing. I can't wish this away (trust me I've tried lol). But if I can accept myself for who I am (which is still a heavy work in progress), accept that I have aspergers syndrome without being angry and upset all of the time and realize that I am not the only one (although it sure feels like it), then I believe I can live a happier life.

I do think it is normal to think the way you do. It's not every day that you learn that you have autism y'know. Sometimes I get down very easily and I don't always handle it well. Sometimes I think I'm just a really weird person. It can be very hard to even go out in public some days. It's not something one just 'gets over', more getting past it I guess. You did say that your friends don't really understand what aspergers is about. I imagine that is really frustrating, but hopefully they will understand with time. I've only told a couple friends. One of them was my friend from 1st grade, and he didn't think of me any differently. My other friend that I told was diagnosed with aspergers as a child, so he definitely understands the nuances of being on the spectrum. I don't talk about it very much with them though. It's just not something I like to discuss, but it's good to know I have a couple friends to turn to if needed.

I also did go to an aspergers support meeting. My doctor and parents suggested it, so I eventually ended up going to one recently. There were maybe a handful of parents who attended who had children (who did not attend) about our age who has aspergers. I didn't really say much aside from answering a few questions, such as why I was at the meeting. It felt odd being the only person with aspergers there at first. With that being said, it's at least an understanding environment, as the parents have quite a bit of experience being with somebody on the spectrum. Most of the meeting was me listening to the parents talk about the problems their children were having, which gave me a little perspective on my own issues. I can't say I would recommend it or not recommend it, just because support groups aren't for everyone. I would look into it though and at least keep it as an option. Some people really get a lot from these types of meetings.

Sorry if this post was really long, but I hope you can get something out of what I said.

Feel free to message me anytime. It's nice to know that I'm not the only new person being put on the spectrum.

Cheers

When I got diagnosed I got hyper aware of autistic traits in myself and others. A lot of people have posted about similar experiences.

You need to let your autistic brain do what it needs to do to process this new information.

I totally agree about letting your mind and system process all this. You know, when people move to a new city, it usually takes 1-2 years before they feel relaxed and settled in. This is so much bigger than moving to San Francisco, or even Japan! It affects everything, for your whole life. OK, maybe not everything, but I just got officially diagnosed 3 months ago and it still blows my mind. I've been researching it for 3 years (and I delighted to get some validation) - but I still find ways that it helps me understand my life better. And I'm still adjusting. But it's also very cool. It just takes time, and a willingness to explore just being yourself, the way you are. You know?

I definitely experienced a lot more sensory sensitivity once I began to believe the diagnosis. I think part of it was like "thawing out", after years of learning to steel myself against stimuli, so no one would think I was weird of something. I don't really hide it anymore. I cringe at loud noises 'cause it feels natural when it hurts. I'm really, really, really tired of pretending, and trying to be whatever normal is. So, there's that.

Wishing you were dx'd earlier is something many of us relate to.

I wasnt dxd until I was almost 60 so I (and many others here) have even more years of our lives than you to look back at and ponder about "if I had only known back then".

But it was worth it to be dxd because of that upside I also relate to of finally finding that missing piece that explains every thing.

My family (mom and sis) had researched it first, and were already versed in the symptoms and gave me the idea to look for a dx. So that part is different from you. My immediate family understood and accepted it even before it was official.

And you dont need to be alone either. There is probably a support group in your town. We have a support group that meets monthly in Washington DC, and there are online support groups (like this site, and Aspie Central).

First off thank you for reaching out and sharing. You are not alone!! !

I found out last year at 43 years old. My oldest son was diagnosed and at the time I had no clue what Asperger's was. After reading about 5 books on the subject, it was the only thing that I had come across that explained my life in its' totality. For years, I had been in therapy for depression and working through stuff from my past. Along the way I was actually diagnosed with ADHD and Depression. Since I found out last October, I have questioned the diagnosis, only to be reassured of its' validity. From their I started watching videos and documentaries, and reading message boards.... this is where I came to accept the diagnosis because I saw people from all over the world that shared very similar experiences and challenges.

Like you, I wonder the "what if's". I think that it is very important that you allow yourself this opportunity to grieve the loss that you perceive. Anything less, and I think you would probably just hold on to an idea that would be impossible to realize.

As we all know, the spectrum is broad in scope. By now, you might have heard or read the phrase "If you have met one aspie, you have met one aspie" I have found this too be true. For me, there are characteristics that some aspies have that I do not (for example, I do not stim) and not relating to all of the characteristics made it harder for me to accept. As you process your diagnosis I think you will come to an understanding and acceptance. Usually from there, you will start seeking new ways to minimize the challenges that Asperger's presents in your life. A part of that will be finding others like you that you can reach out to. My Psychologist put it to me this way...think of the spectrum as a high school (everybody in the school is Autistic) and you are in the cafeteria and you are looking to see what group you will sit down and eat lunch with. I am still in this process. I suppose it takes a little time.

All my life I knew that I didn't want kids. Ironic that it was own son by way of his diagnosis that lead me to an answer that I had been searching for my whole life. Knowing what I know now, I am grateful to have found out when I did. At the young age of 21, you have a lot of time to understand how it creates challenges in your life, and then put things in to place to help manage/minimize their effects. I once heard a speaker that was on the spectrum and also Psychologist say "your diagnosis is not your prognosis" and she is absolutely correct!! !! Kind Regards. Shark

I felt the same way when my dad told me i was diagnosed when i was 14.

It balances out eventually and you start to feel like your old self again.