Not having words for your experiences

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I recently came across an interesting post by an asexual person.

http://starchythoughts.tumblr.com/post/141266238674

She talks about the concept of hermeneutical injustice, which from what I can gather is when discrimination interferes with sharing understanding about your lived experience with others. In her case, specifically, she's talking about how not knowing that she was asexual led her to have sex she didn't want because she didn't feel like she had a good enough reason to refuse.

I was thinking that the experience of being hurt because you didn't have the language to describe what you're experiencing also applies to my experience as a later-diagnosed autistic person.

Terms like sensory overload, executive dysfunction, etc, would have been so useful to know as I was growing up. I didn't know why I hated certain things everyone else liked. I didn't realize that I couldn't do certain things long term, because I could do them short term. I didn't know why people expected me to do things I knew I couldn't do, and I didn't know how to explain that I couldn't do those things. I didn't know why I'd get upset about something when I was overloaded, but be fine with it when I wasn't overloaded. And all of that hurt me because the only explanation I was given was that I wasn't trying hard enough or that I was selfish or bad.

So, what are ways in which not knowing about autism and autistic traits has hurt you?

The most obvious one for me is being sociable in some circumstances and not in others. When I feel safe and comfortable, I can relax and smile and share things alot more. And of course, I've also learned over the years how to act sociable even when I don't feel that way at all. So then, when I can't do it or have trouble, I'm seen as someone who's indulging themselves or selfish or stubborn or basically not being cool like I should be. And of course, any mistakes I made were my own fault.

Regarding executive function, I loved what you said about doing something short-term... I can slam on a brief project - write a paper, move my sister out of her house, build a website in 3 days. But over time, I get confused, lose my focus, get distracted, and have to constantly rebuild my overall sense of what I'm doing these days. I get lost in thinking about it. The result is, I don't really follow through with many long-term goals, and a lot of my work peers react negatively when they learn how much business I have, or how much money I'm making, or that I don't have a house, or that I'm not going any networking (uh!) to build my clientele... So it's weird - I get respect in the short-term (for example, from giving talks - I get to say all I want to about my most special interest!), but it doesn't last 'cause I don't talk to people afterward, or go out to sell myself. Anyway, point made.

Peace to you.

I found reflecting on past experiences, re-framing my understanding of the world and learning a new language to be challenging in my 30s, but better now than later.

I think not understanding that my differences were autistic traits, led me to make ill informed decisions. It introduced an extra layer of confusion into already confusing communications, like the author describes not having the language to describe your experiences to communicate accurately I think this impacted on all areas of my development.

Not knowing impacted on my sense of self, I knew who I was, but not why I was so different in ways I couldn't describe or understand; when many societal, cultural and environmental messages say that your perception is wrong, its hard to have self belief, to experience self efficacy.
My mantra for many years was "there is no such word as cant" so I pushed myself to do many things that exacerbated my high anxiety levels, like exposing myself to loud music trying to desensitise my sensitive hearing, learning to ignore everything my body was telling me... ignoring reality because my experience of reality was obviously wrong. I used depersonalisation as a coping strategy, and learned to keep pushing through pain until I crashed.
Still I must add that among the negative experiences were positive experiences, I accomplished many things that I am proud of and value more now that I understand the effort I really put in to make them happen.

Seems like you're in a pretty good place now.

For sure yes, life is different now, much better. The past is what it is, but I like who I am and wouldn't be this person if I had different experiences.

I can most definitely relate to your post Amity,having gone through life,in the same boat and similar experiences,as yourself.

I'm glad life is much better now for you,as is mine,after coming out,from the other side.


"Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward." Henry Ford.