I'm so lost, at wits end, and just don't know what to do...

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Where... do I even begin?

It's a pleasure to meet you all, my name is Fallen- and I've found myself in quite the predicament for many many MANY years now that I just don't know how to deal with or tolerate any longer which is why I've /finally/ decided to admit it online somewhere and see if maybe there is some way, someone, somewhere that can help me. You see, I identify as a gay man- however, we have one simple problem: I was 'graced' as many would put it, with a female body...

I've known I was supposed to be a guy since I was a knee-high, in all honesty (even dreamed it, every single dream I have!) and ever since I realized this my life has been one of a literal hell for me. Every day waking up is miserable, and every night when I go to bed there seems to finally be some sweet release for when I dream-I can be who I was meant to be.

Not only does life mock me with my wrong body parts, but it also mocks me in the fact that the chances of a gay guy dating a girl are absolutely non-existent and I just don't know what to do. Not only am I uncomfortable in my own body, but now I won't ever get to have a partner to help me feel better and love me for me, and it's just so depressing all the time to the point where I just am so sick of this and feel like I can't be happy anymore.

Now, I know many would offer for me to have a sex change- MtF is so much easier and perfected compared to FtM. Steroids are so much worse on the body than estrogen, and having a working male organ, or something that is even close? Forget about it! I'm sure I'd be happy if I could just be with someone who understood what I was on the inside and didn't mind treating me as such... actually I'm 95 percent sure I'd be fine with that alone. Me changing my body wouldn't just bring on the misery for myself but my beloved mother as well who I couldn't stand breaking her heart.

I'm just so lost. So utterly, completely, unbelievably lost and alone with my gender identity crisis I've been having since I can remember- which is why I'm seeking advice and praying this is the right place to ask it. I don't even know where or how to begin looking for people similar to me, or better yet, how to even find a gay guy who would accept me for me.

I've heard the stereotypical "you can't love somebody if you can't love yourself"- this is definitely not the answer for, so please don't tell me that either. I believe there are quite a few people who don't fall into that because they've learned to hide that pretty well in their life. Not everything is black and white -as we can see in my situation...

Please, help me. At least if anything to tell me I'm not alone and suffering through all this by myself. I know I'm not the only one around who feels this way, but dang it, there are definitely some days where I sure do feel this way and it's just been so exhausting. One can only curl up underneath the hot water of a shower and cry for so long before they lose the ability to shed tears...

I understand completely where you're coming from. I am a queer, non-binary/transmasculine (searching for proper terms makes me squirm) human who was AFAB, but I tended to identify more strongly with traditionally male characteristics when young. Now I feel strangely torn. Being transgender and gay is hard to try and explain to other people. I was conflicted about changing my flesh vessel but I ended up slowly going through a medical transition--partially kickstarted by endometriosis. I had a necessary surgery done and needed to be on HRT indefinitely afterwards or go through menopause at age 20. I decided to start testosterone and I'm pleased with the results thus far ( I'm almost two years in of on and off HRT). Medical transition is scary and everyone has their own list of pros and cons. Personally, I always knew I wanted top surgery even at a very young age. Everything else just happened and here I am. I had top surgery in 2016 and this isn't where I expected to be and it was a confusing process, but I'm content.

I'm also married. I met my partner prior to all this when I was identifying as male but still in female form. He's gay and cisgender but we worked out surprisingly well. It's been over three years and we're still pleased with the arrangement.

I would say that there's no need to shower cry, but I've been there before. It can be kind of therapeutic, and it's better than keeping things pent up. Have you discussed your feelings with anyone you know in the tangible world?

I can't speak for men, but I'm a lesbian who is dating a non passing trans woman. She has a muscle degenerative disease that would make it impossible for hormones to make much of a difference. I love her immensely, don't see her appearance as an issue or her genitals. I know it might be hard, but I'm sure there's someone out there who will appreciate you regardless of your genitals or presentation.

A lot of people have been there man. I remember one interesting youtube video by a guy about dating as a pre-op gay transman - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbKSmt7tw2I
It's focused on sex but still. Have you really looked into this? It may not be as impossible as it seems, especially with a man who is pansexual / bisexual, queer, or accepting of a trans man's identity enough to overlook his body. Maybe you need to get yourself out there in queer circles and see what queer men will make of you. I know that's damn hard when you're dysphoric though.
Yes some aspects of MtF transition are easier / better than FtM (though I wouldn't wish facial feminization surgery on anyone) but the latter has come a fair way in recent years, and will continue as trans men gain more visibility. The cause isn't hopeless - there are options for all kinds of transmasculine folks.
And your mother? Are you sure you being who you are on the outside would upset her? I know of people who have been sure their parents would be transphobic, but once the parents realized that it was THEIR kid who was trans, suddenly they changed their perspectives. Maybe it would be possible to discuss this with her? Could she learn to deal with it if she knew it was making you happy?
Would she be offended if you just started presenting more masculine? That may make you more comfortable without upsetting her, and allow you to interact as male elsewhere while being able to present as female around your mother.
I don't intend to write a list of "fix-its" but I generally find that kind of information most helpful. I have more trans fix-its if you're interested or want to chat - feel free to PM me might be better.

I'm a gay trans man (pre-transition, due to mental health/financial constraints, but hopefully getting back on the horse later this year) who is dating a cis man. We are very happy together, and he is very understanding of my dysphoria. I would say that in order to date a cis guy (or another trans guy, because everyone is different!) you need to be very open with each other.

It can be hard, because it can hurt to talk about your dysphoria and possibly your genitals. It can feel lonely. It can feel like you will never be loved or that you are a freak. But I promise that dysphoria can be dealt with. The first step could be to connect with other trans people offline, or maybe to speak to your doctor. Could you buy a binder and packer? Those help me, and I try to find men's clothes that suit my body and make it look less feminine around my hips. You can even get insoles to boost your height.

And you'd be surprised about surgery. There are new steps being made in medicine all the time. It used to be that phalloplasty wouldn't result in a penis you could pee through, but that's changed now.

I would suggest you maybe go to a local LGBT group. Make friends there, and you can branch out, meet friends of friends, etc. Talk to other trans people. Perhaps seek counselling or therapy to deal with the resultant depression.

I promise that you are a man, and that you aren't alone. Dysphoria is a painful, awful thing, but you don't have to go through it alone. And I'm sure you will find someone. Look after yourself, and feel free to PM me if you need to talk to another gay trans man.

MtF transitioning isn't easier. It's only the SRS that's higher quality for MtF, but passing is way harder. I'm 6'0 and have broad shoulders so I could never pass and would look like a freak. Which is why I'm going to just repress for the rest of my life and try to think about things besides corporeal existence. If you're FtM it's possible though. You'll pass as a young-looking guy.