Do people misunderstand your intentions?

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puzzledoll
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16 May 2017, 3:07 am

I have noticed that people tend to assign intentions to my words that I never intended. I am one of the people that has a very hard time being anything but honest. I have found people reading things into what I say that completely baffle me. Then I realize that they are taking it as though there is some sort of ulterior motive behind what I said when there isn't. I have tried telling people, once I'm comfortable with them, to just take what I say at face value and not to try to read anything into it. That has worked pretty well with a few people.

Has anyone else had this type of issue where people want to believe there is a meaning behind your words when there isn't? Is this something NT people experience too? Is it something in the delivery or does it just say something about the people reading stuff into your comments?



Chronos
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16 May 2017, 3:47 am

puzzledoll wrote:
I have noticed that people tend to assign intentions to my words that I never intended. I am one of the people that has a very hard time being anything but honest. I have found people reading things into what I say that completely baffle me. Then I realize that they are taking it as though there is some sort of ulterior motive behind what I said when there isn't. I have tried telling people, once I'm comfortable with them, to just take what I say at face value and not to try to read anything into it. That has worked pretty well with a few people.

Has anyone else had this type of issue where people want to believe there is a meaning behind your words when there isn't? Is this something NT people experience too? Is it something in the delivery or does it just say something about the people reading stuff into your comments?


Yes. In fact, in most instances, when someone has become upset with me, it's because of this very thing. I'm largely devoid of malevolent intentions and apparently most people are not. Thus most people are predisposed to perceive something which could be benevolent or malevolent as malevolent.



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16 May 2017, 4:17 am

Yes, yes and yes.

It's a bit of both - me being unclear and them interpreting my words to suit their own agenda.
It's very frustrating and confidence destroying.

Frankly, I think it's a power rush for some people to exercise control over the meaning of your own words.
It's pretty f****d up.


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Tom Parker
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16 May 2017, 4:28 am

Yes. Often they misunderstand my intentions as being malicious when I'm merely giving honest criticism (which is sometimes requested.


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Kythe
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16 May 2017, 4:29 pm

Yes, this is something that happens a lot with me. There are plenty of times when people think I'm being rude or passive aggressive when that isn't my intention at all and I'm actually trying to be respectful and considerate of the other person. This happens both in person and online. Sometimes people completely twist my words around into things that I never intended. I've been flamed and have even lost good friends because of this. It's extremely frustrating and makes me feel as if I'm speaking a different dialect of English than everyone else is. I feel like I'm being clear and articulate, but somehow the point of what I'm trying to say goes over people's heads. I really wish I knew how to fix this.



puzzledoll
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17 May 2017, 12:07 am

Kythe wrote:
\It's extremely frustrating and makes me feel as if I'm speaking a different dialect of English than everyone else is. I feel like I'm being clear and articulate, but somehow the point of what I'm trying to say goes over people's heads.


This is exactly how I feel!

Thank you, everyone! You have no idea how reassuring it is to know that other people deal with similar frustrations.



JRCriton
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17 May 2017, 12:28 am

*sigh* Yes and it triggers my social anxiety and I start shut down... This has caused many issues in my relationships with others.... I explain that sometime I am just noticing something. For example sometimes I will think someone looks like a famous person and a common reply is, is that a good thing or a bad? And I'll reply I guess that depends on how you feel about them?



jrjones9933
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17 May 2017, 12:33 am

Sure, if they are used to polite lies. I make an effort at politeness, but sometimes I have to tell people that the worst thing I say resembles my worst real opinion. That, and I try to offer equally genuine compliments frequently.


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futuresoldier1944
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17 May 2017, 11:34 am

Yes, sometimes people misunderstand my intentions and I also misunderstand their intentions. I had this new friend whose relationship with me was strained almost to the point of being broken because my Asperger's caused miscommunication and misunderstanding between us. I misunderstood my friend's intentions. I thought that I knew what his intentions were when we first met. But now, I'm not so sure what his intentions were. And then I miscommunicated my own intentions while my friend misunderstood my intentions. The whole thing between us is stranger than fiction. I always knew that I was socially awkward, but I guess that I didn't realize how socially awkward I really was.



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17 May 2017, 4:54 pm

Yes, it seem to happen a lot when I talk to people. Sometimes I might ask someone a question and a lot of people would seem to think that I'm looking for validation when I would want an honest answer. Some of them also seem to think I'm looking for approval when I apologize about something, but most of the time I'm just trying to be polite like any other person. It also seems like when I would trying to look for ways to solve a problem some people would take it that I'm arguing with them when it's not my intention at all. I get the feeling a lot of people think that I'm stuck up too because a lot of people seem to act hostile towards me. I sometimes wonder though, if they really do misunderstand me or if they are just trying to manipulate me.



Last edited by slw1990 on 17 May 2017, 6:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

skiddlebugz
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17 May 2017, 5:15 pm

This happens to me a lot, but it's mostly with people who i'm not close with.


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17 May 2017, 9:29 pm

I think people sometimes do. I'm a very honest person and I only want what is best for people, but I think that sometimes people assume I have an ulterior motive. I really don't. I think also that a lot of people assume that I act the way I do only for "attention". I have had my mom accuse me of trying to get attention from her when I am stimming or having a meltdown. I can't control those things, and I get even more upset that my mom doesn't understand that.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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17 May 2017, 9:37 pm

yes to all the questions

used to happen a lot.

on the other hand sometimes i have ulterior motives.

but the older i get, the more emotionally fragile i get. and sometimes i feel like those idiots are not worth the energy it takes to interact with them.

and then little morons correct every slightest thing. like i said "BA" instead of "BS" (bachelors degree). like i mispronounced "cumulative".

like i said "greed" instead of "want". that stupid little licensed clinical social worker sure had a huge ego. :roll: the word "want" was not any better, in that context than the word "greed".

but whatever.

the other thing, though, sometimes i wonder. what if they were to have responded the way i wrongfully assumed they would have responded, then what? then whooptie doo. what difference does it make?

it's like the worst response they could have given was :mrgreen: subject to imagination. :ninja:

while the best (most favorable) response they could've given was what, ignoring me? saying "thank you"? saying "ok"?

it's a large risk. a lot to lose. and not much to gain.

and then, for that reason, among numerous others, sometimes i feel too lazy to talk altogether. :twisted:



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18 May 2017, 12:29 am

The guy I'm seeing does this, both interpreting very literally or interpreting intention or meaning that is negative and not part of what I'm saying. I've been asking him to please only interpret my words literally because it's more accurate, but on thinking about this maybe I need to start saying exactly why it is I'm saying something more so he isn't in his head reading his own meanings into it.

Generally, in life as NT, yes I have issues with communicating with people. It's regional. Ever since I moved to a different part of the country, people don't understand me and I don't understand them. The area that I'm in now, when I speak normally and unreserved people find me rude and too blunt. I find the people here indirect and impossible to understand, they're long winded, rambling and talk in circles about nothing. I would like to move.



synthpop
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18 May 2017, 1:08 am

i am constantly misunderstood. people misinterpret my tone, and often think i'm attempting to be snarky or argumentative when i'm merely contributing to conversation or correcting them. people don't really like to be corrected.. as i've gotten older, i've begun to learn to go out of my way to control my intonation and tone so people won't misunderstand me. it takes a lot of effort and i'm not entirely sure how i'm being perceived most of the time so it's often just a shot in the dark. i try my best to take mental notes on how people behave, utilize tone, and pace conversations, but even when going out of my way to act in a socially appropriate manner.
i'm not 'inappropriate' per se, it's just that others often perceive me as aloof, disconnected, rude, or confused.
i often say something simple and innocuous and the people around me look at me as if i'd admitted to killing a man. they accuse me of implying horrible things, when in reality i only meant what i had explicitly stated.

though, i actually read too much into what others say, so i don't blame people for reading too much into what i say often unless it's especially outrageously outlandish and unfounded. i also sometimes do embed implications into what i say. i'm just human, you know? sometimes what i say has no deeper meaning, sometimes it's rife with hidden meaning and implications.


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Anon_92
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18 May 2017, 1:14 am

puzzledoll wrote:
I have noticed that people tend to assign intentions to my words that I never intended. I am one of the people that has a very hard time being anything but honest. I have found people reading things into what I say that completely baffle me. Then I realize that they are taking it as though there is some sort of ulterior motive behind what I said when there isn't. I have tried telling people, once I'm comfortable with them, to just take what I say at face value and not to try to read anything into it. That has worked pretty well with a few people.

Has anyone else had this type of issue where people want to believe there is a meaning behind your words when there isn't? Is this something NT people experience too? Is it something in the delivery or does it just say something about the people reading stuff into your comments?


The world is a game for us LOL and NTs love watching us play hide-and-seek... the more McDonalds they make, the more I want to find a dirtier place nowhere in an alleyway with the best food etc... it's all there, it's up to us to find it LOL because it's all out there.